Archive | December, 2011

White Horses

10 Dec

I have a rule. I don’t date army boys. Only problem is, I can never keep myself from breaking it. I always fall for the man in uniform off risking his life. Despite the heartache, despite telling myself over and over again why it such a bad idea, knowing beyond a doubt that in the end it won’t be worth it, I still let myself fall a little every time one of those roving pair of tormented eyes turns my way. My resolve weakens and I make excuse after excuse.

Today, it hit me why I let it happen. It has a little to do with every last one of us humanoids turning into idiots in love, a little to do with little girl fantasies of princes on white horse, but mostly it has to do with my own need to for salvation. Every girl growing up in a middle class family with Disney movies being the normative background to an unbalanced and idealistic vision of romantic development has a similar, unattainable dream for her happily ever after. Even my pessimistic scrutiny of the idea of true love is overcome from time to time by that built in foundation where Cinderella lives happily ever after despite her tumultuous upbringing. If she can be happy, and all her little princess friends, and even some of my own friends and acquaintances, why can’t I?

And that my friends, is problem number one. It is one thing to be a die hard romantic, yet another to be a blabbering idiot living in a fairytale. Problem number two comes after we let the delusion take over, we convince ourselves we are in love, or even that we have finally found “the spark.” Its all bull shit. It feels good, great even, but if we don’t catch it fast enough, those bubbly feelings have the strength to tear down even the strongest among us. More on that later.

Problem number three, and this one is the kicker for me personally, is how broken we let ourselves get by the first two problems. The learning curve is a kicker and the more times you go around the block, the more cynical you become. However, at the same time something is happening under the surface, and this can bring about a few different outcomes. For me, I internalized, kept my game face on, but couldn’t let go of the little girl fantasies. I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man, and I don’t. I still let myself hope for one though. Despite myself, despite what I want in the end, I push the good ones away, finding one excuse after another why they aren’t worthy, or more why I’m not worthy for them. And it is true, most of them couldn’t handle me, but that is because I have put up a wall so thick and so high that they could never break it down. The heartache got to me and I’m scared to let someone else in, give yet another person the capacity to add on another layer. Instead, I sit in my tower and wait for the one who can break down the doors and rescue me from myself.

That brings us back around. Why do I fall for army boys? They symbolize exactly what I need, what a lot of us need. A hero. Only more often than not, they are as broken as I am if not more. No one can be someone else’s savior. What we can do is love. Love one another, love ourselves, love life, no matter how crappy it can be.

And on that cheesy note (sorry for the barf fest, I guess my introspection the last few weeks has led me to be a little more mushy than witty for the time being), I leave you with a fairly appropriate song by one of the best bands ever…

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