Archive | August, 2012

Does this mean I have to be an adult now??

27 Aug

In a few short days I will be 25 years old. That is halfway through my 20s, a quarter of a century, probably at least a third of the way to dead. Its a big deal.

You may not have realized this about me yet, but I tend to have major freak outs over things most others would find fairly simple. I don’t think turning 25 is underwhelming, but more than once I have been informed it really isn’t that big of a deal, I’m still young, and I need to calm down.

NO!!

I feel what I feel and I can’t help it. I’ll have mini panic attacks, semi-inconvenient crises, and whatever the eff else I feel like having!!

FFeeeewww deep breathes.

Suffice it to say, I am dealing, but not always well. Part of me feels as if I should have progressed farther along my life path by now, part of me is impressed with myself for getting where I am and maintaining a rockstar lifestyle, and part of me wants to revert, abandon everything, and live on a commune for a few years (a commune with booze, and maybe some illegal substances).

Take my party for example. I’m having it a few days after the fact so I can celebrate with friends back home. What I really want to do is go on a tour of the Naragansette Brewery in Cranston, RI then out for lunch at my favorite chinese buffet. Instead of just saying this, I thought maybe I should make sure my friends weren’t expecting something a little more grown up. After days of no response, having to repeat myself, and one even saying he wants to throw a fucking surprise party for his fiance the same fucking day, what I really WANT to do is throw a fucking temper tantrum and make everyone do what I want to do. ITS MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

Of course there is that little voice in my head telling me no and reining me in and reminding me I’m turning 25 and I need to be an adult about this and share my toys. However, there is still that 5 year old in there beating her fists on the ground and even if she manages to put on her party dress and play big girl for the day, she’s going to be pissed. Why should she (I) have to on the one day I’m supposed to be allowed to be selfish??

We’ll see what happens, but in all seriousness, this birthday has brought on a lot of self-reflection and evaluation of life choices. I have felt the need more than once to make some amends as well as make some hard decisions.

TOGA and I had a pretty rough fight over a week ago and haven’t spoken since. I don’t know that we will make nice this time, and for lots of reasons I’m ok with that. It breaks my heart, don’t get me wrong here. I’m devastated by this turn it seems we have taken, but it took just that one push to see just how unhealthy we are for each other. We bring out the worst in the other. I used to be able to say he makes me want to be a better person, but now all I see is judgement and blame for the things I can’t fix. I’m no better, and that is the point, we stopped building up and started tearing down.

Anyway, random tangent, but its things like that, and things that still need fixing from a year ago. I still yearn for that fresh start, a new path that breaks the old cycles. I need out of my comfort zone and into a new adventure. Quarter life crisis? Maybe, but who ever said that was a bad thing?

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Ideally he will love football

9 Aug

Tonight is the first game of the Patriots 2012 season. Granted it is still preseason and the games don’t really count, but this is better than drugs. The hype, the sense of community, the adrenaline, all culminating in a few hours of pure ecstasy. I LOVE football season!!

LP and I share this passion and tonight mid-game, we were discussing how much the men in our lives tend just not to get it. Do you find this as surprising as I do, because really, I always assumed it would be the other way around. Alas, when I tell a guy I’m interested in just how into this sport I am, he always brushes it off and then mid-season complains about how anal I become about my weekly ritual.

“Why do you have to watch EVERY week?” “Why are you upset, we’re only 15 minutes late?” “I seriously can’t talk to you until the commercial?” “Really??”

Theory: So many girls have feigned enthusiasm to impress men that the rest of us are now less believable.

On the list of characteristics a future mate must have officially includes one who loves fucking football as much if not more than I do. I’m talking battling teams in a fantasy league, religiously watching every single game beer in hand, and debating who will be Brady’s chosen receiver that week. No wishy washy, take it or leave it attitudes.

That is all.

GO PATS!!!