Archive | January, 2013

“Why don’t they ever a make a movie about what happens after they kiss?” “They do it’s called porn”

30 Jan

Today my long-standing on-and-off friend with benefits, Mr. Irresistible, called me to share some news. He has a girlfriend.

This got me to thinking.

Do we really need to “break up” with out FWBs? I mean it is common curtesy I suppose to inform someone you are sleeping with on a regular basis that that isn’t going to happen anymore. Especially when that someone often gets drunk and leaves you dirty messages on your phone which may or may not ever lead to certain questions from this new significant other which you would rather avoid.

I also suppose that if you are indeed really friends, with benefits, then a friend would want to share that news regardless.

I guess it was just odd to me. Mostly because it really did feel like some sort of break up and the whole point of having a FWB is so you don’t have to go through the hassle of breaking up with someone.

Thoughts?

“Sum Me Up”

26 Jan

I like sharing new artists when I find them. This song is done by an Irish singer/songwriter called BriBry and he’s a recent find of mine. I love this song in particular because if you put aside the specifics of the lyrics, its about someone who basically has no idea what they want in a relationship. They have all these idea of what they don’t want even though half of them are hypocritical and would probably compliment their personality. Then they have all these vague impressions of what they might like, but he can see problems arise if he ever actually got them. Anyway, I’ve babbled enough, just listen and maybe go check out some of his other stuff later.

The Marriage of Moving

26 Jan

Moving is like getting married. Before the proposal you get confused, so many questions run through your mind over and over. Is this the right time? Am I choosing the right one? Should I wait for something better? Am I financially stable enough? What about my family? My friends? And so many others. Then its time, THE question is asked and there is no other answer to give, but yes or no.

You hover somewhere between panic and the thrilling sense of adventure, nerves tingling, head buzzing with all the things you have spent way too much time contemplating in a haze of deliberation. It feels like it takes an eternity, but in reality, the answer escapes you in a flash, based on a culmination of heart and logic. Yes. As soon as the word bursts into the universe you are overcome with relief. The decision is made; you can relax for a moment, take a deep breath.

All of a sudden all of your concerns seem trite. You wonder why you ever doubted because everything just feels so right. You are overcome with joy and excitement. The world is bright and something inside you sings in anticipation.

Then come the baby steps in the planning process. Each one inching you closer to the reality of your decision coming to fruition. Each one bringing its own reminders of the worries you set aside. At first you are still jubilant, but eventually, as with everything else in life, everything begins to even out, come to a balance again.

As the days pass and plans continue to be set in motion, the uncertainties bubble and brew insecurity. It’s terrifying, too terrifying for words. Change always is. The bigger the change, the more times you seriously consider jumping the train. Every time you are on the edge, however, you look ahead and you look behind. You look behind to remind yourself why you ended up here, all of the choices that have brought you to this moment. You look ahead to remember all the wonderful things that this decision will bring. You step back from the edge and decide yet again that you will not remain stagnant; you will not choose to live a mediocre life.

The day arrives and all the stress you have somehow managed to maintain at a manageable level washes over you in waves. You aren’t thinking about your decision, only all the things that could go wrong to ruin your perfect moment. You surround yourself with friends and family to keep your head on straight and convince you it’s going to be ok. The day passes, you don’t explode, and whether or not its perfect, the moment comes and you enter a new phase of your life.

Now, I’ve never gotten married, but I have watched a lot of marriages happen. It is the closest thing I have seen to the process I go through every time I make a giant life decision. I have recently made one of those GLDs and I’m still somewhere in the beginning phases. I’ve said yes, and plans have begun to take form, but its still in the unreal charm of exhilaration. I’m terrified, but it’s only a low hum in some corner of my mind for now.

This Boston girl is moving to the desert, Arizona to be precise. It’s the most extreme thing I’ve done probably ever and it’s already very bittersweet. I’m going to miss so many people and whenever I dwell too long the tears swell. My family and my supports are here, but life isn’t meant to be lived in a comfortable bubble. I will not be the girl who has never lived outside of New England. I want adventure in the great wide somewhere (yes, I’ve been channeling Belle for a few days now) and I refuse to allow myself to say no to an opportunity I’ll always wish I had taken. Leaving may be hard, but staying would be harder.

Besides, I could not have asked for a more exciting living situation. How many times in my life will I get the chance to live with my best friend? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am moving in with LP. If I’m honest with myself, I know it very well could end in disaster, but I think we have both decided to make sure it doesn’t. We’re all adults here after all.

More details on that adventure to come, for now I’ll leave you with the anticipation.

Daylight

21 Jan

There are days you just feel bipolar. You know the days I’m talking about. One second you’re smiling and the next you are one sad song away from a complete breakdown. It’s those days I am the most pensive, for better or for worst.

I was walking the malamutes for my last walk of the day, and spaced out into this daydream where I was talking to new work crush about why I was single. Long story short, daydream me said some things real life me rarely says out loud. Being a bipolar day, I’m dwelling.

Sometimes I wonder if in all seriousness I’ll always be single. Most of the time I am positive and chipper, convinced I’m just not willing to settle and one day yada yada. It’s only in the shadowed corner of my heart that the thought clings on and festers. What if I missed it, my chance?

I have only ever had one serious relationship, one boy to call mine (one boy to rule them all, and in the darkness find them…sorry, had to, LOTR geek). It has been just over five years since that relationship ended. Since, I have had my fair share of trysts, but nothing of any merit really. With the exception of HB, of course. Mr. Wrong was, well, wrong, and HB, he was something else. That boy would have given me the world if I could have just taken a moment and gotten over myself.

In all that time I was being self-centered and convincing myself I didn’t need anybody, what if he came in and left again, and I didn’t even notice? I mean it has been five years for God sake. Besides, some people are happy just being there own person, it happens, I could see it. Maybe I’m just going to spend the next decade or so bouncing around from one to the next until I get bored, throw my hands in the air, finally just accept my spinster-hood and get a dog (I still refuse to be the crazy cat lady).

Or maybe I’m just being crazy. However, a fear is a fear no matter how small and sometimes it makes it feel better simply to share. Maybe you are reading this and are totally relating. Maybe it’s something you only allow yourself to admit in a drunken stupor because if you said it out loud in the light of day, you’d want to swallow some pills. That’s ok, I’ve been there, and there’s nothing wrong with thinking positive thoughts instead. Just know you’re not the only one, part of me really thinks all us single people are in the same boat.

In fact, that brings me to that previous post I wrote, you know the one. I really think we need to start a club. We’re single and proud or something less cheesy, A LOT less cheesy. But there would have to be rules. Like no judging the couply people, and no trying to keep someone in it, and no being bitter. Just a thought. Like all the rest of the stuff that comes out of my head.

PS Dear HB,

Resoluting

2 Jan

Happy New Years!!

As most of the population this time of year often brings about reflections on the previous year…which more often than not in recent years brings about reflections on my entire fucking lifespan. The question “how did I get here?” often resonates with me.

But I’m not here to talk about that tonight. Mostly because I’m doing my best not to think about it.

…awkward silence…QUICK say something funny!!

Poop

Now that we’re past that fork in the road, I want to share my resolutions for the year.

Every year up until last year I always made the same ones. Be less fat. Be more healthy. Talk to God more (WHAT! she’s a Christian!?!), figure out what I’m doing with my life….and so on. Typical bull shit, never going to get done because there is never a real plan attached to them, resolutions. Except that one year after college when I lost 50 pounds. Good year.

Last year I decided not to fall into the trap and instead made “goals” for 2012. Which turns out was just a more creative way of saying resolutions that I actually wrote out a plan for. I would tell you what they were, but by October the pretty paper I had them plotted out on was in the trash. I do remember I was going to drink less, work out more, and find a new job. Guess how much of that I accomplished and then managed to maintain as a lifestyle. Ch-yeah.

This year I am picking one very simple, very concise thing. I want to learn something new everyday. No limitations no guidelines and in fact I’m pretty sure I do that anyway.

Why? Because I can.

“But PR if you already do it then its not really a resolution.” Fuck you, doubter. Here’s the life change. I’m going to document it. No, not here necessarily, we all know how blog everyday for a week went…or rather didn’t. One little notebook, maybe some sharing, just to show some sort of progress. Maybe it will bring inspiration to higher goals, maybe it will be a reminder I’m not stuck in an endless abyss, maybe it will do nothing but be an annoying chore, but I won’t know until I try and that’s the damn point of a resolution right?

As a measure of good faith I am going to share my something new for today. It may be January 2nd and I may have already forgotten my new thing from yesterday, but hey, no one is perfect.