“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”

25 May

I always fall in love with the ones that break my heart.

This applies to every kind of relationship I have. I undeniably am more likely to care about you if you are someone that will hurt me.

I started thinking about this the other day when LP and I were amidst a huge blow out fight that left us on non com for over a week. I am convinced this phenomenon connects to my god complex. I want to fix people and I always always always believe the best about people until they give me a reason to believe otherwise.

In my friendships I am the one that gives my time, my energy, and my love while rarely receiving it equally back. I am a social worker because my heart doesn’t feel right unless I am working to better someone else’s life. My romantic relationships, or lack thereof, always end with me finding out the man I chose to pursue will never be able to meet me on equal ground.

In my early years I was so damaged and had so little self worth that I was grateful for any attention any other human being sent my way. I soaked in every hint of anything that could be construed as love because I didn’t know any better.

I have grown enormously sine then, but I still seem to attract the same genre of people, even if I have ceased to accept the same abuse I used to. Mixed in with that personal growth I suppose a harder shell developed. I don’t know how to change the recurring pattern, but I know how to make it hurt less. I think most of the time I convince myself that this means that I have changed how I interact with people, but if I look close enough, I know it has not.

How do you change a part of your life that more often than not seems almost entirely out of your control?

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2 Responses to ““So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.””

  1. You know who January 31, 2017 at 6:02 pm #

    I think this is bullishit. From sweetheart to porn star WTF. Then try to make others look bad to cover ones ass. Tell the truth! And gold on tight I’ve nothing to loose.!!!.

    • adventuresoftheprettyreckless February 2, 2017 at 9:28 pm #

      I respect your opinion and I won’t say that out of all of the things I have done, said, or felt in my lifetime none of them were bull shit. However, it has always been my intention to be honest here, if not always elsewhere. Just one of the many reasons I don’t share this space too often with family or friends. I am who I am. In the moments I wrote the things that exist here, I was honest and spoke from the heart. I am not a perfect person, never intended to be, and I won’t make excuses for my mistakes or perspective on my experiences.

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