Crazy Cat Lady

30 Oct

August 12, 2013 – – There are many days I wonder if I am destined to become the crazy cat lady in the weird smelling apartment upstairs. I don’t want pets, but every once in a while I consider getting one. I convince myself not to because there is too much responsibility involved, but someday it is feasible that I won’t shy away from responsibility as much as I do now. That’s not really the point though is it. It’s never about the cats its about the lady upstairs. Its about living a life of solitude and letting it drag you into the abyss.

I like my time on my own, but every so often I crave interaction So much so that I’ll go out to the store or to buy a coffee so I can talk to an actual human being.

That had been the hardest part of this move. Now that basic needs are accounted for, I ache for the social life I had in New England. Ache to be able to call up a friend I have known for years and grab dinner. LP is wonderful to have, but she is not enough, especially now that she spends every aching moment with her new and improved bf of the moment and doesn’t even care to spend time with anyone else.

There I go exuding that bitterness I can’t seem to keep in check.

I was watching a movie tonight (currently watching actually its just that boring and I wish I could stop but I have a problem with not finishing things) and there was some guy living in an abandoned building trying to kill the main character. He literally went insane from the solitude. Although, to keep things in perspective, the main character went insane from a different kind of solitude. He was surrounded by many and had no one he new intimately. The dichotomy of those characters is extremely interesting to me.

Growing up the adults in your life tried to convince you that its not about the amount of friends you had but the quality of the friendships. In your formative years, however, it doesn’t feel that way. The more friends you have translates to your popularity, and popularity is important. The more people that like your company the more worthy of their time you must be.

Clearly at this stage of my life I have for the most part moved beyond that mode of thinking, but the older you get the more difficult it also is to make those close friendships. You are simply not thrown into the same social situations you once were and when you are a work-a-holic like myself most of the people you meet are from the workplace which can become difficult to balance.

I began by talking about the crazy cat lady many of us ladies fear becoming. I think we fear the loneliness, the solitude, the feeling of worthlessness we battled with in our childhood. We fear losing the intimate connections that make us human. It is an irrational fear for most of us, peeking out from behind the curtain in our weakest moments. Many of us cling to shallow friendships in an effort, no longer to prove or popularity, but to attempt to build an arsenal for the future.

Unless I crawl under a rock for the next fifty years, I fully intend to live a full and active life with an ever changing flow of new and old friends, but the “what if” always remains. Always fights to be heard and acknowledged. We are the only ones that control that fate. We have the power and it is our insecurities and doubts that try to strip us of that. The key is to ignore the voices of negativity and embrace the powerful, vivacious  people we have all the potential to be. Easier said than done, but none the less a battle worth fighting.

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One Response to “Crazy Cat Lady”

  1. Aussa Lorens November 10, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

    You make good points on the whole “young and popular and want a bunch of friends” thing. I’d never thought about it that way, but it’s very true… Now that I’m elderly (27…) I am happy with my 3 friends, the closest of which is still 45 minutes away and the other two are in Philadelphia and China. It helps just knowing you have them in your life and distance and time doesn’t affect those connections.
    Also: You should TOTALLY get a pet. My dog kept me from so so so much loneliness for years… and I’m hardly a responsible human being and I have kept her alive for almost 6 years (knock on wood) so if I can do it, YOU can do it.

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