Archive | May, 2014

Michigan

31 May

The hardest thing I do in my life is to accept I have control over nothing. Sometimes I get it spot on, let go, and find contentment. Then something changes, there is a shift in the status quo and my world is flipped in ways I couldn’t have predicted. It is then that I realize I didn’t actually accept my inability to shape my universe, I simply became comfortable with the direction things were going. Change is inevitable, changes you create yourself are necessary, but they also make you crazy.

I have mentioned once or twice one of those huge changes in life, a new piece to the puzzle which I can now see is shifting my world and making me second guess everything and myself in the process.

Eight months ago in October I started dating this amazing man who I fell for almost immediately. He is kind and generous and rocks my socks in bed. He doesn’t complain that I do my own thing and accepts my crazy, loving me not despite of it, but because of it. On paper he is exactly what I need and despite his flaws, of which I have found few, I have yet to come across anyone in real life that would be more perfect for me.

The problem, however, is that he lives in Michigan. How did that happen? Well by the powers of the internet of course! It is a long story, but short version is that we were both part of this online fitness support group. Out of the blue one day he started messaging me, one thing led to another and flirting turned to feelings which eventually lead to an actual visit. We started talking not long after I moved to Arizona and so the idea never even crossed my mind that this innocent dalliance would ever become more. My life was too unstable for any relationship, let along a long distance one, it was just supposed to be a fun distraction.

Then the distraction lasted all summer, my life became more stable, and my dalliance began to look more sincere. I was in love with him by the time we met in real life, I just hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. It took one weekend, one drunken night and a fight with his best friend for me to admit, crying at a bus stop, that I needed him. Miraculously, despite the tears running down my face, he said he wasn’t letting me go.

It hasn’t been easy. I am not one to be content with happy feelings for very long. I push, I scream, I run in the opposite direction. Which is exactly what I started doing after a few months. Each time it happens, however, he is right there telling me it is ok that I am scared, but he will keep chasing.

This may in fact be a highly romanticized version of reality, but you aren’t here for reality and this is close enough that I am ok seeing it this way.

I don’t always know what to do with all of this, and a part of me wants to run for the hills, end it now before it implodes in on itself. A bigger part of me can’t imagine being that cowardly. I wish I had a plan, I wish I knew it was going to end well for us, but there are only two options: happiness and misery. The misery is the part that scares me, it is a misery I have not allowed into my life for quite some time. Accepting its inevitability if I can’t solve this puzzle is something I am having a hard time doing. However, there is no going back and we can only accept the choices we make and have faith that we are strong enough to face whatever end the path brings.

What I do know for sure is that I haven’t wanted to fight this hard for many people in my lifetime and even fewer have wanted to fight with me.

Family Vacation version 26.0

30 May

I have not been on a vacation with my family in at least a decade. I honestly don’t even remember because once I started working this concept became increasingly more difficult. I became a slave to the dollar almost as soon as I started earning them for myself. I like a hefty savings account to take care of all of my stupid mistakes.

Mom proposed the idea to me several months ago and the planning process was hell until I washed my hands of it and told her to just tell me when to take time off work (I may be too OCD for my own good). It all came together in the end, and they arrived a couple weeks ago. We had Easter at my house, which I largely failed at. You see my boyfriend also decided to come out and meet them and between a life crisis, trying to plan a meal to host and overwhelming myself in the process, and having limited funds, we ended up going out to eat instead. It was pleasant none-the-less and everyone survived the meeting of the significant other so we will still call it a win.

My favorite boys

My favorite boys

Me, the BF, and the rents

Me, the BF, and the rents

My parents then left the following Monday to go to California for a week, returning Saturday. I took off a few days that week and we went on a mini road trip from Phoenix to Sedona, the Grand Canyon, the Hoover Dam, and Vegas. Other than four days being an awfully long time to be together non-stop, it went well and I saw some really cool things I have never had the chance to see before..and all free of charge (yay parents!).

Sedona was stop number one and it was absolutely gorgeous. We took a jeep tour up into the mountains on this old road that needs some major TLC but GPS still considers the shortest route from Sedona to Flagstaff (I’ll go the long way thank you). The views were amazing and when we got back we ate at this restaraunt where there were cowboys serving your food (yum). I ate bison just for shits and giggles…tasted like a cheeseburger. The only disappointment I had there was that Giselle was in town and I had not even one spotting!

Smokey the Bear Sedona Mom, Dad and I in Sedona

The next day we were off to the Grand Canyon, a stop I have been meaning to make for quite some time. I don’t think it is possible to describe the vastness of this place. I mean it exceeded my wildest dreams and I could have spent days there and still probably wouldn’t fully appreciate the magnitude. The downer was that some lady jumped off the edge shortly before we arrived. Apparently death follows my parents because the same thing happened on their visit to Niagra Falls.

It doesn't even seem real, I felt like I was staring at a painting

It doesn’t even seem real, I felt like I was staring at a painting

I loved this one with mom

I loved this one with mom

Family at Grand Canyon

After spending a day there just soaking it all in we headed off to Nevada. Another attraction that I have been meaning to make time for and also I was not entirely prepared for – the Hoover Dam. So many dam jokes were told my ears were bleeding, but we had a cool tour guide and it was neat to see the inside and learn about the history of this crazy engineeringĀ feat. Mom and I even high-fived across state lines.

Hoover Dam Hoover Dam Hoover Dam Hoover Dam

High fiving over the NV/AZ state line

High fiving over the NV/AZ state line

 

After spending a few hours there we headed up to Las Vegas!! Mom really wanted to see it, dad was no so much excited, neither left feeling it was worth the time. We stayed a the Flamingo for super cheap and they upgraded us to a suit which was pretty sweet. I had fun showing them around a little and actually managed to stay sober the whole time (yay self control!).

Las Vegas

Riding the moped in "Italy" at Caesar's Pa;ace

Riding the moped in “Italy” at Caesar’s Pa;ace

Dad and I

Dad and I

Mom and I

Mom and I

All in all it was a good trip, but as soon as we got home it hit me hard I had been non stop with my parents for four days and I needed some me time. I have a hard time doing that with anyone and I didn’t even have my house as a safe haven…ugh!! Anyway, we survived and I will be planning my next road trip hopefully very soon.