Unwinding Disilussion

3 Oct

The more I let go of my past, the more I realize how tightly I have been holding on to things that I should have left behind long ago. The harsh side effect of this is that I have not been fully embracing the future my current path is leading me towards. There is a vast difference between missing things and trying to build on crumbling foundations.

TOGA has a girlfriend. She is someone I know…and do not respect. More importantly, she is not me. After spending half an hour on the floor crying one of those body-racking cries the night I found out, it was obvious I have yet to let go of the future I had hoped for with him. All of this despite the one year anniversary on the horizon with Michigan.

Whoever says you can’t love two people at once is full of crap. I love Michigan in a very life-consuming way. I want to share my entire being with him in a way I haven’t wanted to share it with anyone in a very long time. There is nothing uncomfortable about our relationship and we accept each other where we are at completely. I love TOGA too. My love for him is lasting and stagnant. I love him with a yearning for something that will never be. Furthermore, I have been unable to accept the impossibility of the situation.

It is time to start seeing it and letting it take hold. I have yet to decide if doing so will mean extricating him from my life entirely or finding a way to heal before allowing the relationship to continue. It is very clear that regardless of the solution, it is unfair to Michigan and unfair to myself to make no change whatsoever.

Letting go is hard, but what comes next can be so much better if the heart is allowed some room to breathe.

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