6/10

3 Oct

It has been almost a year since my last post.

So much has happened.

My heart just wants to cry out to the void. Maybe someone will care.

Maybe not…and that’s ok too.

 

Sometimes you just need to pour your heart out to the unknown because you want to hold onto the image you have with others so badly that you can’t tarnish with words of regret or disappointment.

 

I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want you to think poorly of me. I want to be the strong and positive human I strive to be. I just find the story of tonight ironic.

 

Work was hard, but then on a drive to the grocery store for wine and ice cream, I decide I am going to be happy. I can plan it. I can force it. I make a plan. I will wake up everyday with a happy tune. I will tell myself to fake it ’til I make it. I will become the person I dream of one tiny baby step at a time.

Then that song comes on. Not even THAT song, just the one that reminds me that this is all temporary and makes me ask the question, “how much does it actually matter?”

I cry in the car in my driveway.

I remember it is all so transient. Hopelessness sneaks in again.

I stare into the night until I convince myself to go cuddle my dog.

A few glasses of wine later, I am listening to the saddest songs Dodie Clark has to offer and reminding myself how extraordinarily alone I am. I know I am not alone. That doesn’t keep the thoughts and questions out of my mind. The reminders that my irrational brain finds to say that I am alone. Why bother? What does it matter anyway?

In those moments I try to remind myself all the people I could call before my fingers fail. I remind myself that I do this to myself before another tear falls. I scream (in my head) to just give up the act because my life isn’t all that bad. None of it matters when the anxiety, my best friend, has its fingers twiddling the strings.

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