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Where one story ends another begins

22 Oct

Dear HB,

It has been a while since I have written to you. I still think of you often, but lately it has been out of nostalgia for good times with old friends than anything else. I do miss you and hope you are well. It sounds like you are based on random facebook updates I find and the occasional mention you receive in conversation with the Wizard.

Tonight I have a reason to write you. I want to tell you some news! I have found someone. Maybe that is not something you want to hear because I am sure part of you still wishes me eternal misery for the hurt I inflicted, but I hope part of you can be happy as well.

I am changed drastically from the girl that broke your heart, and in large part that is because of the love and care you showed me when I truly was underserving of something so generously given. You showed me a door out of the bitter and secluded world I had built for myself, and I am sincerely sorry I could not go through it with you. With that said, I do believe everything happens for a reason.

You made me believe again in unconditional love and gave me the hope that someday I would be worthy of such a thing. My only hope is that out of the pain, you found something as well. I would like to think that our time together gave you the strength to go out into the world and really be vulnerable in a way you hadn’t been in years. That perhaps out of contention came courage to move forward.

That is what I would like to think anyway. The only proof I have of this, however, is your upcoming nuptials with your lovely fiance.

Perhaps that is my wishful thinking, but I still owe you a resounding thank you for the beauty you created in my life. If there is anyway I can ever repay you know that I would be willing and thrilled.  I fervently wish you the best, and even if our paths never cross again you will always be an irreplaceable piece of my history.

Your friend,
PR

Daylight

21 Jan

There are days you just feel bipolar. You know the days I’m talking about. One second you’re smiling and the next you are one sad song away from a complete breakdown. It’s those days I am the most pensive, for better or for worst.

I was walking the malamutes for my last walk of the day, and spaced out into this daydream where I was talking to new work crush about why I was single. Long story short, daydream me said some things real life me rarely says out loud. Being a bipolar day, I’m dwelling.

Sometimes I wonder if in all seriousness I’ll always be single. Most of the time I am positive and chipper, convinced I’m just not willing to settle and one day yada yada. It’s only in the shadowed corner of my heart that the thought clings on and festers. What if I missed it, my chance?

I have only ever had one serious relationship, one boy to call mine (one boy to rule them all, and in the darkness find them…sorry, had to, LOTR geek). It has been just over five years since that relationship ended. Since, I have had my fair share of trysts, but nothing of any merit really. With the exception of HB, of course. Mr. Wrong was, well, wrong, and HB, he was something else. That boy would have given me the world if I could have just taken a moment and gotten over myself.

In all that time I was being self-centered and convincing myself I didn’t need anybody, what if he came in and left again, and I didn’t even notice? I mean it has been five years for God sake. Besides, some people are happy just being there own person, it happens, I could see it. Maybe I’m just going to spend the next decade or so bouncing around from one to the next until I get bored, throw my hands in the air, finally just accept my spinster-hood and get a dog (I still refuse to be the crazy cat lady).

Or maybe I’m just being crazy. However, a fear is a fear no matter how small and sometimes it makes it feel better simply to share. Maybe you are reading this and are totally relating. Maybe it’s something you only allow yourself to admit in a drunken stupor because if you said it out loud in the light of day, you’d want to swallow some pills. That’s ok, I’ve been there, and there’s nothing wrong with thinking positive thoughts instead. Just know you’re not the only one, part of me really thinks all us single people are in the same boat.

In fact, that brings me to that previous post I wrote, you know the one. I really think we need to start a club. We’re single and proud or something less cheesy, A LOT less cheesy. But there would have to be rules. Like no judging the couply people, and no trying to keep someone in it, and no being bitter. Just a thought. Like all the rest of the stuff that comes out of my head.

PS Dear HB,

Aside

Tragic Girl

1 Feb

1. Weezer is one of the greatest bands of all time.

2. I meant to write a post a while back around this song theme type thing, but it never happened.

3. This song definitely fits the theme of today’s post, so I’m throwing it out there as a supplement.

Laundry

25 Oct

October 23, 2011

Dear HB,

I was doing laundry tonight at my apartment, and realized the last time I had done it here and not at my parents’ house was with you. It seems an odd thing to bring you to mind, doing laundry, I didn’t even let you help, so I have to ask myself why it made me miss you so much. Laundry. I’m laughing at myself now, but I literally had to stop and take a deep breath. I wanted to call you, and just hear your voice, but its Sunday night and I’m pretty sure you are out of work, and even more sure that if you are, you are with her.

I know I can’t contact you directly, so I got the brilliant idea to write to you, and put it out into the universe, hoping that maybe, just maybe you’ll read this and realize you miss me too. I haven’t written letters I had no intentions of sending since Mr. Wrong and I broke up, so the fact I feel the need to do it again is worrisome. It makes me wonder why I ever needed to give you up. Not to say how I was feeling wasn’t valid, or that I was in love, or  even that the fact you were wasn’t terrifying, but all you were asking for (in theory) was time. Was my time really so precious I couldn’t give you a fraction of it?

Alas, this is where we are. You are with her and I am…dealing. I know the most likely scenario is that I will write you a dozen letters, you’ll never read them, and I will eventually move on, but I need to do it. I need to hope that you’ll stumble upon one of them and miss me enough to call, or that one day you will break up with her and I’ll have some sort of record to show you  I wasn’t lying when I told you I cared. I do miss you, and there’s not a day that goes by I don’t think of you. All I want is for you to be happy, however, and if that is a life without me, then so be it. I’ll come to accept that. For now, don’t judge me too much for almost driving up your street sometimes one my way to work, or for craning my neck to see if you are driving the Ford truck in front of me.

All the Best,

PR