Tag Archives: birthday

That Small Feeling You Get When Life Grows Too Big

12 Sep

This week I have felt smaller than small. Which is ironic because over the weekend I felt like a GIANT. Oh how far the mighty fall.

Sunday was my birthday. I am firmly in the downward swing of my 20s – 27, UGH. It isn’t the number so much, just the feeling that I haven’t grown up as much as I should have by now.

I went to Vegas for the weekend with my recently married lady friends and Michigan. It was a blast…with the usual bumps. I drove out Friday morning with the girls and we picked Michigan up from the airport. We couldn’t check in right away but the strip was calling anyway!

With a good buzz on a couple hours later and some sights seen, we checked in, got settled, and played some cards in the hotel. After a few rounds and a few more drinks, we went out for some more exploring. However, my patience was low and my libido was high (3 months does a number on you), so it wasn’t long before we separated and had some alone fun.

Fully satisfied and post-shower we were back out on the town…because that’s what you do in Vegas. We hit up Liasons, danced, talked…drank. Memory gets a little blurry around the time we left, but apparently I got a little grumpy. Best guess is because Michigan wouldn’t dance with me, but it could have been any other number of minor, perceived insults. Does it matter?

The hangover, needless to say, was harsh. I stayed in bed until almost one in the afternoon. I did manage to get up when the girls got back from the pool and consumed copious amounts of water with a splash of a few painkillers. Just in time for the brunch buffet! This was either the best idea ever or the worst, but either way it was yummy. I do regret not feeling well enough to partake in free mimosas though, I love mimosas. Vegas is about over indulgence and clearly thus far I was succeeding.

Since we hadn’t done any gambling yet, that is what came next. I lost 20 bucks in the slots and watched Michigan lose some money at the blackjack tables. No one was winning so naps sounded like a better idea (yes, I could sleep more). Feeling more alive, the second round of gambling proved more lucrative…for everyone but me…who was up 40 bucks at one point then lost it all…self control issues. I do enjoy the free drinks that come around when you are spending money though.

Afterwards we did the silly tourist thing, took some pictures, saw the Bellagio water show, all the fun things before changing and heading to this outdoor club near our hotel. I wore my tiara out since it was my birthday night. This turned into over indulgent bartenders giving me and my companions awesome free shots, and sometimes just pouring them into my mouth and the mouth of whoever was up there with me. That and they kept getting on top of the bar and pouring them into everyone’s mouths, it was like, why even buy anything? We ALL danced that night, I think Michigan was making an effort because it was an issue the night before and has been more than once previously. It was a live band even which I love!

I was not nearly as drunk as I was the previous night, but I still got a little weird after the girls left to utilize the empty hotel room. The drama started when Michigan and I finally left and I wanted to walk, but Michigan didn’t. I clearly do what I want so we walked. I don’t remember why, but he had my wallet and when I realized this, I asked for it back…aaaand he wouldn’t give it to me. Angry, I walked faster. Eventually he gave it to me, but the damage was done. I probably kept the fumes going for about a mile, but then I realized it was going to take forever to walk back, so we crossed the street at the mall and sat down.

Michigan, in an attempt to salvage the night, asked if I remembered what I had asked for for my birthday. I had asked for a timeline for when he was going to move so I could plan and stop freaking out that it was never going to happen and I was wasting my time. I was certain that it would be no later than early December, I could have sworn that we had mentioned this before. When he told me late January, maybe you can begin to imagine why my hopes were crushed. I hugged my knees into myself and buried my face in them as the tears welled up and spilled over.

When I finally got the tears to stop, I looked up, said, “I don’t know if I can wait until January,” and walked away.

Back at the hotel, I did the very adult thing of locking myself in the bathroom to lie on the floor until Maria came in and convinced me to go to bed. The cool tile just felt so nice.

Sunday I woke up feeling physically fine, but with a killer emotional hangover.

After we checked out, we still had a lovely day. It was my birthday! We had lunch at Planet Hollywood which I felt very proud to remember how to find. We took a ride on the ferris wheel and saw the entire strip, I recommend going at night though, it mostly just looks like desert in the day time. Then we had cupcakes at Sprinkles. I just couldn’t get rid of my little black cloud (insert Winnie the Pooh song).

I wanted him to fix it…or maybe just show me he was feeling as much hurt as I was. I hated (hate) that this is where we are at, five month of never enough.

To top it off, my parents didn’t call. LP wasn’t there, again. The car ride ahead seemed miserable. Even though I didn’t even want to look at him, I still didn’t want to say good bye to Michigan. Nothing felt in sync. Social obligation was the only thing staving off the inevitable break down.

I did eventually talk to Michigan about how much it sucked and he tried hard to sympathize, maybe even cheer me up, but I was firmly in my funk. A funk that stuck with me. The following week shrunk my spirit even further. All of the things acting together to microwave my positivity, optimism, and any motivation.

Yada, yada, yada, stop complaining. This is just where I am at right now. 27 and feeling utterly lost.

I have been reading Hannah Hart’s book and it has been a little shining light, not life changing or anything, just a good reminder that life sucks before it gets better. It helps that I have a major crush or her. But, srsly, I recommend it to all twenty-somethings.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

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Does this mean I have to be an adult now??

27 Aug

In a few short days I will be 25 years old. That is halfway through my 20s, a quarter of a century, probably at least a third of the way to dead. Its a big deal.

You may not have realized this about me yet, but I tend to have major freak outs over things most others would find fairly simple. I don’t think turning 25 is underwhelming, but more than once I have been informed it really isn’t that big of a deal, I’m still young, and I need to calm down.

NO!!

I feel what I feel and I can’t help it. I’ll have mini panic attacks, semi-inconvenient crises, and whatever the eff else I feel like having!!

FFeeeewww deep breathes.

Suffice it to say, I am dealing, but not always well. Part of me feels as if I should have progressed farther along my life path by now, part of me is impressed with myself for getting where I am and maintaining a rockstar lifestyle, and part of me wants to revert, abandon everything, and live on a commune for a few years (a commune with booze, and maybe some illegal substances).

Take my party for example. I’m having it a few days after the fact so I can celebrate with friends back home. What I really want to do is go on a tour of the Naragansette Brewery in Cranston, RI then out for lunch at my favorite chinese buffet. Instead of just saying this, I thought maybe I should make sure my friends weren’t expecting something a little more grown up. After days of no response, having to repeat myself, and one even saying he wants to throw a fucking surprise party for his fiance the same fucking day, what I really WANT to do is throw a fucking temper tantrum and make everyone do what I want to do. ITS MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

Of course there is that little voice in my head telling me no and reining me in and reminding me I’m turning 25 and I need to be an adult about this and share my toys. However, there is still that 5 year old in there beating her fists on the ground and even if she manages to put on her party dress and play big girl for the day, she’s going to be pissed. Why should she (I) have to on the one day I’m supposed to be allowed to be selfish??

We’ll see what happens, but in all seriousness, this birthday has brought on a lot of self-reflection and evaluation of life choices. I have felt the need more than once to make some amends as well as make some hard decisions.

TOGA and I had a pretty rough fight over a week ago and haven’t spoken since. I don’t know that we will make nice this time, and for lots of reasons I’m ok with that. It breaks my heart, don’t get me wrong here. I’m devastated by this turn it seems we have taken, but it took just that one push to see just how unhealthy we are for each other. We bring out the worst in the other. I used to be able to say he makes me want to be a better person, but now all I see is judgement and blame for the things I can’t fix. I’m no better, and that is the point, we stopped building up and started tearing down.

Anyway, random tangent, but its things like that, and things that still need fixing from a year ago. I still yearn for that fresh start, a new path that breaks the old cycles. I need out of my comfort zone and into a new adventure. Quarter life crisis? Maybe, but who ever said that was a bad thing?