Tag Archives: bitter

The Inevitability of Existence

5 Jun

We all spend at least some time imagining how we are going to die. It’s a side effect of being human. We know it will inevitably occur, so we can’t help but be curious.

How?

When?

Why?

I used to say I wanted to die quietly in my sleep. Painless. Simple.

More recently, I got it in my head I wanted my death to be quick, but really cool. I wanted people to tell my story and be excited about it. I wanted people to think of my memory with a smile.

As of late, I’ve begun to wonder if I couldn’t die just knowing my existence simply did no harm. I doubt it…but one can hope. I am pretty selfish when all is said and done. I’m sure I’ve already left a scar the sizeof the Grand Canyon in my wake, but still, it’s something to aspire to.

In case you’re wondering, I just finished reading John Green’s “The Fault in our Stars.” Usually I abhor books about death and the Big”C,” books that by nature leave a hole in my heart. I like to read novels with warmth and a happy ending. I read to escape more often than not, not to embrace the harsh realities of a cold world. However, every once in a while, one comes along which I am thankful to have taken in because it leaves something else with me in place of the hole.

I had this really great thought earlier while I was reading and I wish I had written it down, but I wonder what kind of person I would be if I knew I was dying sooner rather than later. Would I be the optimistic, grateful-for-every-small-experience person? Or will I be bitter, resentful, and snappy? Maybe somewhere in the middle. I am pretty upbeat about just about everything, but I am also a realist, weak and tawdry. I do know for  fact that I would have a zero tolerance policy for sappy well wishers, pretending to make it about me but really making it about them.

One practical resolution I have gleaned, however, is not to feel bad about spending, for example, $600 on a plane ticket in a few weeks. I may not have cancer, but I do have a limited amount of sunrises. I would rather be a little irresponsible and spend my time and effort celebrating life with the people I care about, having experiences that make my life feel full, that not see tomorrow and regretting missed opportunities.

The point is that we do not now when our last good day will be so we owe it to the universe to participate and to give back what we have been gifted.

“‘Sometimes it seems the universe wants to be noticed.’ That’s what I believe. I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it – or my observation of it – is temporary?”

Sometimes you just need to shut up and enjoy it

4 Dec

This can be said about so many things.

I think when I wrote this idea down it was specifically intended to be about Tup. A bitter soliloquy on the ending of what was obviously something never meant to be and just a delusional dream. However, now that I have found it again, I am thinking I need to write it on a poster and post it somewhere I’ll see it everyday.

I don’t know about you, but I spend so much of my life thinking about the future. What is it going to look like? Where am I going to be? Who am I going to be spending my time with? And on and on and on. Its exhausting sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong. A life without some semblance of a plan is a useless waste of existence, but sometimes we have to buckle down and accept that the things we want are going to take time. Staying at a job that is less than ideal to build your resume. Being single for a while in order to learn new things about yourself and reconnect to the person you want to be. Living with your parents to build up that savings account so you might actually get to live somewhere decent (thank God I’m past that one!). All semi-torturous things that we wish we could change, but maybe in the moment are more beneficial to endure than to escape.

We’re all big kids now. We should be past thinking that life is just going to be all sunshine and rainbows. I am wholeheartedly an advocate for making every second exciting and everyday an adventure, but I am also realistic and recognize that that’s impossible. Nor would I really honestly want every moment to be happy and boistrus. How can we truly appreciate the great moments if we don’t know what the other end of the scale is like? If everything is the same, nothing is special.

Today was a day I was questioning everything. Wondering what I am really doing. A conversation with LP and  few glasses of wine later, I am much more content than I was this morning. Nothing has changed. I am not any different. I just know that eventually I’ll get to where I want to be. I am putting in my time and counting my pennies, tedious tasks, but necessary for an even greater next step.

Just wanted to share and hopefully encourage. XOXO

Flowers are stupid and monogamy is confusing

9 Oct

I don’t know at what point flowers became the thing to give a girl on a date, but the idea is morbid and needs to be exterminated. What do you expect from me?

Guy: “Hey baby, here’s some flowers”

Girl: “Ermehgerd! They are so pretty and smell so pretty and make you look so pretty!! Must suck your dick now!!!”

…No

Really, its an insulting and morbid concept. It assumes the relationship is based on a cliche and sexist formality and is fleeting at best. Boy who have given me flowers in the past have almost across the board been insincere, uncreative, and hoping my simple female mind would be impressed by such a “gentlemanly” gesture.

Ok ok maybe I’m being a bit bitter about the whole thing and speaking from my own personal perspective (duh, my blog here). I don’t judge girl that much who enjoy getting pretty colored weeds that die within a week of receiving them. However, the concept confounds me. Chocolate, ok, yum. Even jewelry, although frivolous, has some purpose in existing. Flowers have no practical usefulness at all.

I know that I am not of the norm here, but I would much rather if an individual feels the need to impress me or woo me or whatever, bring a gift which is going to serve a purpose in my life.

With that said, yesterday I had quite a lovely date with TUP in Mystic, CT, and he brought me wine. Not just any wine, Riesling because he remembered it was my favorite. You best believe that boy got in my pants.

Speaking of, while I’m actually writing a post, TUP also decided to end the evening on a confusingly annoying note. Being as unexperienced as he is, I’m not entirely surprised, but it still took me by surprise a little.

We were having a great little spontaneous date which ended humorously sexy in my backseat, and then he drops this bomb on me. Not a bomb, that was an exaggeration, really it was meant to be a simple inquiry, but nothing in my life is apparently simple.

He in a very round about way asked me if I was sleeping/fooling around with anyone else. Of course I was! I don’t do monogamy very well, and although I would probably at least consider the concept when the time arose, a few facts are very evident to me. 1. despite how adorable and well meaning TUP is, he was a virgin when I met him and needs to build up to being able to satisfy me the way I need him to, 2. he lives quite far and its difficult for us to physically connect on a regular basis, 3. he has mentioned more than once he doesn’t want to label the relationship at this point and I have agreed entirely. I avoided the question, which of course he picked up on, and I eventually gave a vague answer.

He maintained that he didn’t want to define the parameters of our arrangement, but was clear he would not be trying to sleep with anyone else. Which I find ridiculous. I don’t think that after 28 years of virginity he is all of a sudden going to become some voracious sex-amal. I wouldn’t care if he did, but saying it out loud puts an expectation on me. I DO have a voracious sexual appetite, which at some point he might be able to fulfill, but at this moment the fact of the matter is, he cannot. It understandable, there is a certain amount of pleasure I get from the student-teacher relationship that naturally formed, but he’s sexually young and inexperienced, period.

Why can’t I tell him everything else without telling him the things he doesn’t want to know? Why do guys insist in claiming territory and getting upset when they find out the women in their lives might have needs they can’t fulfill? It would be one thing if we had been clear from the beginning, but we weren’t. How can one of the things I love about him the most, his innocence, be one of the most annoying things about moving forward?

Have I gotten in too deep?

The fact of the matter is that at the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I’m moving across the country within the year and nothing and no one is going to keep me here. Really, the appropriate thing to do would be to tell him that’s the plan and save us both a lot of trouble. But I like him. I like not having to edit myself, or put on a show, or try to fit a mold. He doesn’t care. He sees me, and he doesn’t care I have some cracks. That is a rare and unique thing. I just worry that when he sees all the shit underneath that has built up over the years, he’ll be just like all the rest.

On that positive note! My groupon good came in today and he entire Harry Potter series on DVD is waiting for me. Although I might wait to start that adventure and read a few more chapters of Fifty Shade of Grey.

Its Only TUESDAY!

27 Mar

I realized today its been a while since I posted and that is unacceptable!

I also realized that in just over a month I will be in Vegas with the love of my life (TOGA). Shortly after that adventure I will go to Phoenix to see LP. You know its going to be a good time when you get into a city on the day of prayer, leave on Nurses’ Day and get to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in the middle.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how things change. Life goes by in the blink of an eye. The people that you spend the majority of your time with one day, you barely speak to the next. Shit happens. Lately, I’m assuming because of my age, its been graduation, marriage, babies, moving, jobs…

I feel that I have gotten bitter and cynical because I keep putting in the effort, while everyone else moves on without me.

This has lead me to two conclusions…one, some people never gave a real shit in the first place, two, some people are even more selfish than I am.

I realize that these are both negative assumptions, and maybe its just life getting in the way, but I travel across the world to see the people I care about, and once I allow you into my life I care about you forever. People leave an imprint on my heart and I find it hard to just let that go.

I guess we’re all wired differently, I just wish I didn’t feel so disposable.

But enough with the negative, I choose to dwell on the positive, and soon enough I will get a chance to be with two of my favorite people in the whole world and that had made this Tuesday exciting and worthwhile. My advice of the day: keep the ones you care about close to your heart, because you ever know how much time you will get to have with them.

Idiots in Love – A case study of Wizard and Sammie

5 Mar

** I wrote this post in two parts. The first I started a few months back when I wasn’t in a very good place about the ordeal. Since then things are a bit more settled, less strings are left untied, and I have found a place of acceptance for what things are…here goes.

I don’t know what it is about love, but I have met very few people that are able to be smart about it. The mix of hormones, endorphins, flowery language, and finally having our narcissistic need for attention met creates a dangerous melting pot that, if we aren’t careful, can quickly turn from the warm fuzzies to singeing self-deprecation. I can only truthfully say I have been in love once. Mini-romances and minor flirtations aside, real, honest love, is life-consuming. It takes up every waking thought, seeps into every minute detail, until you have formulated a life in which you are constantly waiting for those next precious moments to be shared with the person you have made your end-all-be-all. Then when it ends, you physically feel an empty chasm in your chest that makes everything seem dark until you can fill it with brick and mortar and swear to yourself you will never let yourself fall so easily into the delirium again. Only, we always do, and most of us do it willingly.

You would think a woman would be the reason this procession of thought has come upon me. And although I will freely admit I see this train crash of amorous events happen more often in the land of estrogen, today’s homily on the pitfalls of affection sprouts specifically from the male half of a couple I have taken nearly a year to observe and (as I often do) analyze. For the sake of this case study and to maintain confidentiality, we’ll name them Wizard and Sammie.

Sammie, who also happens to be my estranged roommate (which may explain any negative bias I may have, although I promise to at least try to stay neutral), had been Wizard’s girlfriend for six years (with a short break a couple years back if I remember the story properly). Recently, approximately six weeks ago, they called a “break” in their relationship. This of course crushed Wizard who, despite explanation, did not truly understand the reasoning behind this turn of events. I of course know both sides given my situation, but from his perspective, he was told Sammie needed to work on herself and that she could not do that within the bounds of a relationship.

In the background, Sammie was trying to deal with her guilt around having feelings for another man, “Sloth,” whom she had met the previous year briefly, but then over the summer, had seen socially on multiple occasions. Sloth did not have a flattering reputation within the group, but he had certain skills which the other gentlemen he hung out with valued if I understand it correctly. Sammie and Sloth had an instant connection and began spending time together more privately. I bet you can already see where this is going, especially when I mention that sobriety was not always a factor in their dalliances.

One thing led to another and Sammie was dealing with the guilt of kissing, rather heatedly, Sloth when she called the break between her and Wizard. Being “single” and dealing with confusing feelings towards Sloth only increased the ante leading to a scandalous affair of both the heart and the flesh (despite the pledge Wizard had made to never return to her if she so much as touched another man while they were separated).

I hope you are beginning to see my pickle. Being the roommate, I was privy to information no one else could know and sworn to secrecy, but being Wizard’s friend made it difficult to balance a neutral stance while being supportive. Not to mention the complication of remaining in contact with Sloth. He was a conundrum I was determined to unravel.

I have never claimed to be perfect, nor will I ever hold hope of being so. Maybe in a way chronicling this tale for you is my way of trying to find redemption. Whatever the case, after nearly a month my conscience and my loyalty were stretched to their limits. My head was full to bursting with information I had to very carefully navigate in conversations with the three players in this game. Over and over again Sammie sealed our conversations with vows of secrecy. I complied, not because I believed what she was doing was honorable, mostly I detested it, but I cared for her and we do foolish things for our friends. That is until we reach our breaking point.

A football game, apparently, was mine. The beer in mason jars more than likely didn’t help matters. I met up with Wizard and Mr. Big in Foxboro to watch our beloved Patriots at Toby Keith’s. Mr. Big was feeling generous and bought me several rounds of drinks during the course of the game. We were having a great time and the party didn’t end when the game did. Long, somewhat embarrassing, story short, the night ended with me and Wizard sobering up in my car, not silently. For most of the night I had avoided the Sammie conversation, but alone, in such close proximity, with my friend in need, I couldn’t help myself when he introduced the subject.

Put yourself in my shoes for a moment and look through my alcohol-clouded eyes. My friend, sitting in the car, heart in pieces, talking about his semi-ex-girlfriend and how much he loves her and hopes that he can find a way to stay with her. He trusts her, he tells me she’s told him everything, and even though it hurts, he’s just happy she hasn’t slept with this other guy. I know differently, and at first, its easy to let him believe this girl is being truthful because his heart is already hurting too much. But he keeps talking and something sets me off. I start thinking how deceitful this whole thing is, how despicable I feel for hiding the truth, for letting him believe she is worth his time. How do you care so much about someone, and hurt them so completely?

Before I know it, the words are escaping my lips and then they are there, out in the world. “You know she’s sleeping with him right?” Wizard just looks at me, and as he processes this information, I see his facial expression change from shock, to confusion, to rage. It’s the last one that scares me a little, makes me realize the chain reaction I have just put into motion. He jumps from the car, slams the door, and begins dialing. I know who he’s calling and I start to chase after him, I just want to fix it somehow, but he’s walking so fast and I can hear his voice rising. I know its too late, regret floods my mind, and I sink to the pavement as the tears start rolling down my face.

I don’t know how long I sat there, not long, but long enough to loose sight of Wizard. I start to run around Patriots’ Place, looking anywhere I can of where he might have gone. My phone is dead and I’m sure I look a little crazed when I finally decide to go back to my car. I wait. He parked near me so I figure he has to come back eventually. Again, I lost track of time, but eventually, I saw him, walking laboriously across the parking lot. I don’t know what words we exchange or how we said good bye, but I do remember him telling me he talked to her, how enraged he was, confusion tingeing every word he said.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

It’s been a few months since that moment. The drive home was filled with doubt and I began questioning myself, analyzing every minute leading up to that one. The series of events that followed were a shit storm of dramatic soliloquies, awkward tension, and the breakdown of trust. Sammie and I found a way to recover after that first blow to our friendship, but a short time later, another situation, related, but ancillary, shattered it permanently. I am too ashamed still to divulge the details. I take the blame for it wholeheartedly, but no amount of penitence can make up for it in her mind. We almost amended the situation at one point about a month ago, but I quickly realized the surface bond was not strong enough to rebuild the bulk of the structure back up. I may not be perfect, but she is a child sometimes, and in the interim of our breakdown, I think I realized some things I had overlooked. Roommates we remain, but civility is not always a constant in our world any longer.

As for Wizard, he remains the victim of the tale, but his naivety has since dissolved my empathy. He is still chasing after a dream I don’t think he realizes should be left to rest, but he’s in “love.” Sammie got just what she wanted, the ability to chase after other men, while still having her backup plan.

I’m not really sure how to end this without sounding bitter and disillusioned. Love is wonderful and sustaining when its healthy and mutual, but how often do we pervert it, fake it, or try to force it into our own little mold? Romance clouds our minds, but love isn’t logical either. How do we let our heart fly free when we might loose our heads in the process? To every risk there is a consequence, and pain sometimes walks hand-in-hand with pleasure. I guess I’m just hoping I can learn to walk the tightrope before I take my next leap of faith.