Tag Archives: confidence

Depression…what a bitch!

20 Apr

I hate to whine and make people listen to my problems. You know its bad when I can’t find an appropriate level of positivity to hold up a conversation. I have to admit that even I, with ability to always find the silver lining and snap myself out of a funk within a day or two, have hit a great big wall that’s making it hard to get out of bed.

Feeling that you are one heartbeat away from failing is a hard feeling to fight. You start at the top of this spiral where confidence is high and your determination is strong. Then with each road block your confidence and determination are slowly chipped away at. When one decreases the other falls with it. Then what fills up the space that is left is fear and hopelessness. Once the equilibrium is more fear/hopelessness than confidence/determination, its hard to get out of bed and do anything to help yourself out of the hole.

This my friends is depression at its finest. We all get there at some point in our lives, some more intensely than others, but if you’ve ever had a day it felt better to stay in bed with the blinds closed sleeping and having hours long marathons of tv shows you don’t even care about, than get up, take a shower, and do even the slightest thing to make the situation better, you know what I’m talking about.

I meant to start this post days ago, but instead wallowed, watched A LOT of netflix, and considered buying a plane ticket home. Of course the concept of living with my parents and abandoning all my things was enough of a deterrent, so now, days later, or like a week, I have almost come to terms with where I’m at and begun making a new plan.

How did I get here? Well it all started with the death of Skittles. Not having a car has made getting a job hard, which led me in an act of desperation to buy a car at a car auction with half of my remaining savings. The car is, and I’m being nice when I say this, a dirty whore bitch with more problems than I can even consider.

Hind sight is 20/20 and mine is crystal clear. I know exactly what I would do to not have ended up here, but none the less, here I am and I can either continue to wallow until I am left with no choices at all, or rebuild. Its still hard and I’m still struggling, and part of me wants to cry pretty much every second of the day, but life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you have to get off your privileged high horse and  take a very large bite of reality, knowing that in the end it will make you a better, stronger person.

Saying this out loud helps. I repeat it to myself constantly. There is always someone who has it worse off than you do. I am not in a good place necessarily, but I have all my basic needs met and still enough audacity to have some self-pity. I’m sure in the months to come it will continue to be hard and I’ll still have days that I want to swallow a handful of vicodin. However, I am blessed with a vast support group of friends and family, who, even from thousands of miles away for the most part, still manage to make me feel loved and reassured. THAT is what keeps me going, THAT is how I get out of bed everyday, and no matter how bad things get, I will forever be thankful for those people.

Side note: as I was writing this it reminded me of another blog I had read a while back. The entire things is great, she’s freaking hilarious, until the last post and I haven’t seen anything new since *sadface* Check it out – Adventures in Depression 

A Girl Worth Fighting For

14 Nov

I had a thoughtful moment in the shower this morning and wanted to get it out before I forgot because I think its important, if not for you or anyone else, for me.

Girls are always looking for that boy who will fight for them. Sometimes some of us, for a myriad of reasons, run away from something good just to see if they will chase after us. We need to be reassured that someone else finds us necessary in their life. For me it comes from the deep dark place that doesn’t always feel I am deserving of love.

More often than not in this day and age, men don’t chase. Women get older and settle because there is still that societal faux pas that we had not yet shed just yet.

That line of thought is going in a direction I don’t want to explore just yet, not why I started this so let me change tracks. Women complain that men have lost their gentlemanly qualities. Many (not all!) feel free to misuse us, objectify us, mistreat and ignore us. This slowly chips away at our self worth and confidence until we are hurt and crying and wondering how we got here.

Its a travesty. But who is really to blame? Men? I would argue that the majority of the blame is not on them anymore. Maybe in the dark ages before we had a voice, before we had rights unique to ourselves, but the suffrage movement began centuries ago. It may not have hit America until the 19th century, so maybe we have an excuse to be a little behind the rest of the world, but it has still been decades.

In my life I am blessed to have male friends who are able to love and respect me for who I am and what I bring to the table. In the past there have been some that have tried to use me for all the many reason you can use a woman, but they were quickly rebutted and either learned to have me as the friend I deserve to be, or were given a choice word and swift kick out of my life. Men are capable of treating women as they ought to be treated. It is US who allows them to believe we are objects, toys, or trash.

If a man walks up to us and asks us to become something we aren’t and don’t want to be, but we do it anyway because we feels its the only way he will love us, we tell him its ok. Read that again. We tell him, without uttering a word, that its ok.

I know why we do it. I am by no means innocent of this perpetration. However, it doesn’t make it ok. We know its not ok, we have the power to fix it, and men will adjust when we do, we simply have to find the strength within ourselves to believe we deserve it, we are worth it, we are worth fighting for.

One more track change but hopefully I’ll end up in the station I meant to end this journey in.

I started this new diet thing. I’m calling it a diet because that is what it is to me. I’m not big on dieting, I’d rather find ways to be healthy and maintain a healthy weight without radical life changes that can’t be sustained. Regardless, I fell into this one. Without going into details I am taking a hormone daily to boost my metabolism and some other stuff. The science is interesting and seems legit, but we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, I am not one of those girls that would seriously say I’m fat. I mean some days yes, when I’m feeling self conscience or bitter or just having a crappy day, but I’m a girl, it happens. On a day where I’m thinking logically and feeling up to my normal self, I would recognize that although I may wish to be a smaller pant size, I am comfortable in my skin and satisfied with my body. Yet, me, of all people, am taking a hormone to lose weight. How does this happen?

The same way women let men walk all over them. Because we walk all over ourselves first. I love those women who diet, but don’t call it a diet. They say they aren’t trying to lose weight they are just trying to be more healthy. Then a miracle happens – they lose weight! Or they give up after a week or so because nothing is happening. More power to her for convincing, not just everyone else of that, but herself as well. I sincerely hope those women can maintain that attitude forever, but its masking the underlying issues of self worth. See how I keep coming back to self worth? That is truly what it all boils down to, I’m convinced.

Ok I’m going to stop my ranting with this. We need to hold each other up. Men don’t get it (but that doesn’t mean you can’t do your part!). We need to stop calling each other sluts and whores and fat bitches and love one another so maybe one day all of us will be able to love ourselves (too touchy feely?). Side note, have you ever noticed the difference in what men call each other opposed to what women call each other? Men: Bro, Homie, Gangsta… Women: see above. Words speak volumes and we project what we feel about ourselves onto others. Just saying.

Lets boost the cheese up another notch shall we: