Tag Archives: connected

Tiny Little Voices

4 Jul

The last two weeks have been hard. I have felt vulnerable at best and worthless at worst. You wouldn’t think getting passed over for a promotion would do that to you, except that the insult was one in a string of many. Now this isn’t a post about how horrible my job is, although I could go on about that for ages, but about that tiny voice I really should listen to more often.

I call that voice God, but others may call it something else. Conscience. The universe. Reason. Tina Turner. Really to each his (or her) own.

I consider myself a spiritual person. I pray. I do yoga. I make an attempt at meditating. I like feeling connected to the world around me and spirituality is one way I achieve that. I grew up in the church and always found peace there. When I moved out of my parents’ place after college, I stopped going. Stopped as in not even the rare visit on holidays. I wouldn’t say my life has fallen apart because of it nor that I have stopped calling myself a Christian. However, I will say I consistently look back at that period of my life and miss the feeling of purpose I had. I was more fulfilled then than at ay other point of my life.

Now, back to the last two weeks. It seems that two thing coincided. My job became a sinkhole of despair and my relationship hit a giant fucking road block. They say bad things come in threes so I am waiting for one more big life failure like my parents dying on their way back from Canada or finding out I am pregnant…any day now. The first two, however, have been bad enough so I am ok if it is just a duo this time. My emotional health has been plummeting and I have had little motivation to fix it. Initially I was keeping up with little things like housework and my physical wellbeing, but even those are falling to the wayside.

How do all of these random ideas fit together, well let me tell you. Today Michigan went to the gym and I had no motivation to go to yoga so I was about to put on an episode (or 4) of the last season of Hart of Dixie when it occurred to me that I might find a more productive use of my time. I went to my book shelf to pick out one of the few self-help books I have purchased, and remembered I was in the middle of working through the Captivating companion journal/guide thing. I pulled out the book and the journal and plopped onto the couch. About halfway through, while tears were streaking my cheeks, a realization hit me that had I not listened to that tiny little voice I would not feel as good as I did in that moment.

I am not saying that I am all better and a miracle happened this morning, but sometimes that voice knows exactly what you need when you need it. What I needed this morning was that book and some self-analysis.

It happened earlier this week too. One night when I was full-on pity party and in bed before Michigan, I pulled out the Brene Brown book I keep on my bedside table. Her words were exactly what I needed to hear.

That voice is hard to hear sometimes through the cacophony that is our lives, but it is so so important to listen, to take time for ourselves; to find what we need and allow ourselves the time to be present and accepting of it. For me, this week, it has been books, but sometimes it is time with a friend, or making a detour for coffee, or just sitting in silence to find a snippet of peace. I don’t know what it is for you, but I encourage you to listen to it and take advantage of the things that make you feel connected to the world around you.

“To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.”

24 Oct

May 2013 – – For the past few months there has been a hole in my life, initially easy to ignore, as of late easier to blame on missing family, friends, and the place I’ve called home for over 20 years…about a week ago, within the spanse of 48 hours the dawning realization occurred to me that although these things do in fact have an impact on my inner peace, the majority of the emptiness has been having no where to put my deeper need to put my healing hands (for lack of better terminology) to use. I missed my work, yes a job is important, but that driving force that put me in this profession in the first place is tantamount. I finally have a whole new gaggle of kiddos whose lives I can’t wait to be a part of.

After three long days of training and two days of shadowing, I was finally settled into a new rhythm and doing what I do best. Its not perfect, and not all of it is roses, but its fulfilling in a way that making coffee in a cafe could never be. It may just be because I am new, but it feels good to quickly have become a requested staff member.

It feels even better that within a half hour on my first day I had a client connecting with me and processing some tough stuff she was going through. These kids are so lost and most of them find it so hard to trust people that it is an honor to be so easily accepted as someone she could talk to.

Then the first day I was alone in a dorm after training I had to give a consequence out. I hate consequencing, always have. I used to work in a group home, a much different setting, but similar kinds of kids, back when I first graduated college. It was a difficult adjustment for me. The shy awkward kid I once was peeked it head out and taking the authority role on was a big step. Being here in a similar position adjusting so easily made me think back and see all the strides I have taken in the last five years. I always thought of my four years in school being the formative years, the ones that changed me and made me who I am. However, every once in a while a moment comes that reminds me life is a process of changing. Sometimes it is fast and hard and sometimes it is slow and steady, but it is a constant process.

Finally, I am thankful for supportive coworkers. They may not realize the impact of little acts of kindness, but they are enormous and meaningful. I feel connected to this place because of the people that surround me and I am immeasurably grateful for the opportunity.