Tag Archives: control

Cohabitation

31 Mar

For someone who has never lived with their significant other, it is a difficult transition at 27 years old to readjust. I mean that is almost three decades of patterns to shove someone into. Add in the OCD factor and commitment issues…the WTF moment was bound to come. It took 8 days, but the melt down came like cheese on a grilled sandwich…maybe a nice caprese. The first, was quick, however, compared to the one after that and then the one after that, and let’s not forget the one after that.

It has been two months now and there is a strange balance coming into view. Not always an easy one, but one that doesn’t have me wanting to cry myself to sleep every night wondering if I made the right choice. The situation is peculiar. Going from seeing each other for a few days every month or so to every single day ever. Cohabiting is hard, and we had the unfortunate situation in which it was a quick fix to a problem that would have destroyed us otherwise.

It has taken me so long to write this post, finally, after starting it several times, because words have been failing me. There are so many emotions roiling in my brain and I didn’t know how to phrase my tribulations without making it sound like a horror movie. I will say that the more I try to predict the next page, the less accurate I turn out to be, and I think that is what I was trying to do in earlier drafts, predict the future. I am by no means a fortune teller and I think I am finally coming to terms with that.

I love Michigan. That is first and foremost what I remind myself on a daily basis. Love, however, is adaptable, it changes with time and circumstance. Saying those words is easy, I have always known that which is why I avoided them so much during my lifetime. Meaning them, acting on them, despite every flaw, is a daily effort, a choice one must make again and again. Putting “I love you” to work takes strength, a strength I hoped I had, toyed with, but am still working to fully grasp. Living with someone is giving up some of your control, some of your will to an outside force that may or may not always be exactly what you want. Love is hard man.

There are problems I expected, planned for. Then there were the surprises that took me for a loop. I used to really honestly believe I was easy to be with, maybe not to live with, but I though I was an exceptional partner. No longer do I believe that. I respect him for putting up with my crazy, even if some of the things he attributes to my craziness are totally in the normal realm for me. I get angry and then get more angry he doesn’t understand why. We both suck at talking about the hard stuff and that is going to need some serious work. Sex for instance, sex has been such an issue, and that is definitely something that has never caused problems with us before. I have questioned who I am as a person because we weren’t doing it like rabbits. Why? I don’t know, well I have guesses, but that is probably something I should discuss with a therapist of some sort.

When all is said and done, I love coming home to him, even if the dishes are still a little dirty after he does them. I love falling asleep next to him, even if his sex drive doesn’t quite keep up with mine. I love sitting on the couch together, even if he will sit there while I unpack out whole house. I love going out on the town with him, even if he is addicted to his phone and doesn’t always turn it off in public. There are things I can’t live without, and things I am willing to live with. Balance and compromise. With some small break downs in the mix to teach me where my limits are and make me work on my communication skills.

Now that that is done, maybe I can actually get back on track with posting, I really suck at this goal this year guys.

Advertisements

Michigan

31 May

The hardest thing I do in my life is to accept I have control over nothing. Sometimes I get it spot on, let go, and find contentment. Then something changes, there is a shift in the status quo and my world is flipped in ways I couldn’t have predicted. It is then that I realize I didn’t actually accept my inability to shape my universe, I simply became comfortable with the direction things were going. Change is inevitable, changes you create yourself are necessary, but they also make you crazy.

I have mentioned once or twice one of those huge changes in life, a new piece to the puzzle which I can now see is shifting my world and making me second guess everything and myself in the process.

Eight months ago in October I started dating this amazing man who I fell for almost immediately. He is kind and generous and rocks my socks in bed. He doesn’t complain that I do my own thing and accepts my crazy, loving me not despite of it, but because of it. On paper he is exactly what I need and despite his flaws, of which I have found few, I have yet to come across anyone in real life that would be more perfect for me.

The problem, however, is that he lives in Michigan. How did that happen? Well by the powers of the internet of course! It is a long story, but short version is that we were both part of this online fitness support group. Out of the blue one day he started messaging me, one thing led to another and flirting turned to feelings which eventually lead to an actual visit. We started talking not long after I moved to Arizona and so the idea never even crossed my mind that this innocent dalliance would ever become more. My life was too unstable for any relationship, let along a long distance one, it was just supposed to be a fun distraction.

Then the distraction lasted all summer, my life became more stable, and my dalliance began to look more sincere. I was in love with him by the time we met in real life, I just hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. It took one weekend, one drunken night and a fight with his best friend for me to admit, crying at a bus stop, that I needed him. Miraculously, despite the tears running down my face, he said he wasn’t letting me go.

It hasn’t been easy. I am not one to be content with happy feelings for very long. I push, I scream, I run in the opposite direction. Which is exactly what I started doing after a few months. Each time it happens, however, he is right there telling me it is ok that I am scared, but he will keep chasing.

This may in fact be a highly romanticized version of reality, but you aren’t here for reality and this is close enough that I am ok seeing it this way.

I don’t always know what to do with all of this, and a part of me wants to run for the hills, end it now before it implodes in on itself. A bigger part of me can’t imagine being that cowardly. I wish I had a plan, I wish I knew it was going to end well for us, but there are only two options: happiness and misery. The misery is the part that scares me, it is a misery I have not allowed into my life for quite some time. Accepting its inevitability if I can’t solve this puzzle is something I am having a hard time doing. However, there is no going back and we can only accept the choices we make and have faith that we are strong enough to face whatever end the path brings.

What I do know for sure is that I haven’t wanted to fight this hard for many people in my lifetime and even fewer have wanted to fight with me.

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”

25 May

I always fall in love with the ones that break my heart.

This applies to every kind of relationship I have. I undeniably am more likely to care about you if you are someone that will hurt me.

I started thinking about this the other day when LP and I were amidst a huge blow out fight that left us on non com for over a week. I am convinced this phenomenon connects to my god complex. I want to fix people and I always always always believe the best about people until they give me a reason to believe otherwise.

In my friendships I am the one that gives my time, my energy, and my love while rarely receiving it equally back. I am a social worker because my heart doesn’t feel right unless I am working to better someone else’s life. My romantic relationships, or lack thereof, always end with me finding out the man I chose to pursue will never be able to meet me on equal ground.

In my early years I was so damaged and had so little self worth that I was grateful for any attention any other human being sent my way. I soaked in every hint of anything that could be construed as love because I didn’t know any better.

I have grown enormously sine then, but I still seem to attract the same genre of people, even if I have ceased to accept the same abuse I used to. Mixed in with that personal growth I suppose a harder shell developed. I don’t know how to change the recurring pattern, but I know how to make it hurt less. I think most of the time I convince myself that this means that I have changed how I interact with people, but if I look close enough, I know it has not.

How do you change a part of your life that more often than not seems almost entirely out of your control?

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

17 Feb

There are things in our lives that are out of our control and which we cannot change. When we encounter these things, we have three options.

  1. We can live in agony, obsessing over it, and believing we will simply have to remain miserable until the pain dulls.
  2. We can run away from it and mask it with other things that allow us to forget to some degree.
  3. We can accept it and find a way to incorporate it into our reality.

Obviously, not all of these are healthy. More often than not, however, we take the easy paths of misery or forgetfulness because adjusting our terms of how we encounter the world is an arduous process.

We are selfish beings. It is who we are and the sooner we can see that, the easier option number three is. Being selfish and only allowing ourselves to see the world through out specific lens, means that we have a difficult time accepting things that others see in a way we do not. More often than not, the situations that are beyond our control stem from someone else seeing something differently than we do.

In this instance, and the whole reason I am even on this tangent, is because of Toga. At some point I’m sure I will chronicle out whole stupid story, but for now the basic gist is that we are friends, I want more, and he does not.

It has been a long process; one that is still ever changing and adjusting, but maintaining our friendship when we are both on very distinctive pages in this has been, to say the least, complex. At the end of the day, it was and is a situation I have had to accept I cannot change and either walk away from or find a way to incorporate it into my life. There was a time, not too long ago (read “Does this mean I have to be an adult now??”), which I thought it would be easiest to walk away. I was wrong, although I can’t say that I have consistently been confident in that decision since.

It isn’t about consistency though. It is a moment-to-moment battle. It is a decision that has to be made again and again. But sitting here, watching him tinker with his newest car project for the last few hours, I can’t help but think it’s a battle I’ll continue to come out on the same side of. Sometimes a little heartache is good for us, makes us stronger, and it does get easier if they are worth having in your life. The biggest question is whether or not you can live with the choices you make.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

The Carpenter

16 Apr

I feel like its been a while since I’ve talked about adventures in the world of romance. I think part of my goal in starting to blog again was to channel Carrie from Sex and the City. I in fact want to BE Sarah Jessica Parker, but that is altogether a side note from why I started this post.

A couple posts ago, I debated the relevance of online dating (click here to satiate any curiosity). Post posting I went on a few dates off POF. The first was a dud, the night wasn’t bad, but red flags kept kicking up, and he never called me anyway. Sorry I didn’t want to go back to your place to “play 007.” Can we even recognize that as a “get in my pants” line?

Anyway, I really only went out with that one because the guy I had been talking to simultaneously and who I actually wanted to ask me out hadn’t yet. We had been exchanging messages for like 2 weeks before he even asked for my number. He didn’t want to “jump over any steps” or something. I found this endearing and I was intrigued.

We’ve been on 4 dates since, and although the beginning was entertaining and sweet, I have since begun to lose interest through no fault of the Carpenter’s (ps he’s a carpenter).

I’m sick. I want to have to work for what I want or I quickly loose interest. I like to hear someone tell me “no” because it poses a challenge. In the end, that is what happened with HB. It was too easy, I knew I had won before we even began, and the thrill of the chase was gone. I see myself falling into the same pattern with the Carpenter.

Of course every girl wants a guy to fall at her feet and tell her how amazing she is. Unfortunately, its just not enough. We need a mystery. A feeling of suspense. That’s what creates the excitment to move forward, the yearning to see what’s around the corner. When all the cards are on the table, it takes away the climax.

Our first date was simple, kind of fun, nothing extraordinary. I hinted all day that I had nothing to do that night, but it wasn’t until a couple hours before we actually planned to meet up. I should have taken this as a sign. I broke my first rule: no accepting dates the day of. I just didn’t see the harm in making an acception. We had dinner and watched a movie at my place. He was so innocent, not pushy at all, I again didn’t see the harm. Broken rule number 2: no hanging out at my apaertment for the first 3 dates. We were off to a great start.

He didn’t even kiss me at the end of the night. At the time I saw this as a sign he was respectful and a gentleman.

Date two I wanted him to plan. He didn’t. I suggested we go into Boston, I drove, I navigated, I was in control. I like being in control, its hard for me not to be, but also healthy for me to relinquish. We won’t go into the gritty details, but at the end of the night, I let him come up for a bit, he asked if he could kiss me, and we made out for a bit. Again, nothing extraordinary.

Date 3 I rescheduled 3 times. I’m a busy lady, but I did feel bad so I offered to make dinner. I hadn’t started by the time he got to my place, which was fine. It also lead to me learning an important lesson. He hovers. Every move I made caused a ripple effect. I think it was the first time I was legitimately annoyed with him, and a boundary once broken, is hard to rebuild.

We went walking after, got ice cream, and watched some of the Bruins game. I wanted him to make it up, to prove to me I was beginning to form an unwarranted opinion.

The last date we went on was a couple weekends ago. I explicitely told him to have a plan, that I was letting him take the lead. I thought maybe with the right encouragement…

He had no plan.

I chose dinner and a movie and tried to rein in the bubblying bitchiness that was floating to the surface. I had to keep reminding myself this is a good guy, its not his fault he’s not the right guy for me. When that didn’t work I had to continuously scold myself for not giving him enough of a chance. Really, he hadn’t DONE anything, but treat me like a princess. The only problem with me being a princess is that he was playing the role of jester, and I was growing impatient.

I am now in an internal debate over what to do. I don’t want to give up on him, but it is glaringly obvious to me that the liklihood of me growing to adore his shortcomings is slim.

He’s texted a few times, but I just can’t bring myself to make time for him. I feel like there should be more, but I think I just needed to write this to make sure I thought this through.