Tag Archives: DUI

Losing My Humanity

17 Oct

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24 Aug

Life is about choices. Where we go, how others perceive us, the paths we traverse, are all determined by the big choices, the small choices, and all the ones in between. Bad people make positive choices, good people make poor choices. Nothing is predetermined or predictable.

Three years ago I felt like my life was ending when I got a DUI. Time stopped and when the whole ordeal was over, I promised myself I would never find myself in that position again. Apparently promises we make to ourselves are worthless.

You almost never get caught the first time you slip up. The last few months have been scattered with time I should have known better. I got too comfortable, let my confidence convince me I was invincible again. I really should not have been surprised when I saw those blue lights flaring behind me again.

I made a choice, and again I am walking a path I could not imagine I would see. I felt above it all and can only theorize where I learned this carefree attitude from. My privileged upbringing, getting away with to many things up to this point, being American, take your pick. What I do know is that this is yet another turning point, an important one. I can either change, accepting my flaws and working hard to reverse them, or continue ruining things one after another.

Acceptance is the first step I hear. Accepting I am flawed, accepting I have a problem with self control, accepting my life is going to be very different in the coming months. This has been easier than I would have thought. I have not been feeling content with myself for a while. On the outside I have been for the most part put together and moving forward. My career, my apartment, my social life, all would look to be in working order. In general I am a positive person, confident and strong. However, in those quiet moments alone, shame, guilt, and dissatisfaction haunt my consciousness.

I am in this place now because I ignored the warning signs and dismissed the voice whispering in the back of my thoughts. I chose to keep pushing through the mud instead of finding a higher ground.

I am ready now to face the new dawn. It may have taken a giant screaming shove, but I am doing what I do best…planning. There is no going back, there is only accepting the present and preparing for the foreseeable future. It is terrifying, but I feel more capable than I did the first time. I am focused and know where I can draw support from. Family, friends, myself, but most importantly my faith.

This is my life at 26. Reliving mistakes and realizing I will never be done learning. I can’t afford to live in my comfort zone and ignore my own choices, vowing to do better next time but not actually changing anything. There is no next time, there is only now and every moment counts.

Self Evaluation is Hard

16 Jul


UuuuuuuuUUUUUuuuuuuMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmMmMMmMm, yeah.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head that need to be shared, and no, I am not drunk (entirely). Its only 9, get you head out of the gutter! Whores.

Remember that one time when I got that DUI and then had to go take alcoholic classes (aka 24D classes that were more like therapy, but I hated them so much I called them whatever the fuck I wanted to)? Well I missed a few, for entirely legit reasons (except that one I just slept through), so now I am being re-traumatized visa vie make-up classes. UGH!!

Anyway, tonight the guy I had was cool and more interesting than my actual teacher/therapist/torture supervisor and it didn’t entirely feel like hell…until the end. Fucking ass hole had the audacity to give HOMEWORK!! Who the fuck does that? Fuck.

We had to evaluate out physical/emotional/self-worth relationships to drinking. Basically there’s this sheet with lists of things we have to circle if they have been affected by our drinking. AND THEN we have to give it to a friend or family member and have them do the same thing. Hells balls if I’m giving it to a family member, so I gave it to LP aka my best friend, aka the only one I trust not to judge or lecture me in any way.

Partially it was a slap in the face, partially I already know I may or may not have a problem, but mostly I don’t need to tell some sweaty, fat, bald man that doesn’t give two shits even if I do! I’m ok with where I am despite my hiccups here and there, I’m alive, I’m still having fun, so just, stop. Would I encourage anyone to live my lifestyle, no. Would I have concerns if I saw someone else living the way I live, yes. However, you don’t know me. I’m cool for now. Whatever.

Complete change of subject, mostly because I’m sick of that one. I am currently OBSESSED with Daily Grace. Go check her out. Seriously.

In closing, a random thought I found from when I was drunk the other night that I thought was rather poetic/insightful/random/slightly relavant:

I’m not entirely single because I want to be. Its because I’m so good at the lie, and so scared of the truth. Sex, lust, infatuation, they’re all so simple, easy. Truth and commitment, a future beyond the morning after, now that my friends is terrifying. Walls are safer. They contain you and all the parts you’re sure no one will want to see, they keep you safe.