Tag Archives: facebook

Chapter Something

5 Jun

The door opens and as LP enters, I can’t help but stare menacingly at her and take another sip, realizing that the drink in my hand, my third, is probably stronger than I intended.

“Hey, whatcha doing?”

“Michigan proposed today.”

LP stares at me astonished.

“I don’t know what is wrong with me. All I could do was stare and immediately felt like all I wanted to do was drink, curl up in a ball and listen to extremely loud indie music. Something is wrong with me. I mean shouldn’t I be overjoyed and telling all my friends? I just wanted to be happy, say yes and live my life with the guy I know I should be with. Then my brain kicked in and Mr. Wrong and HB flew in and took away my ability to speak. How do I explain that to Michigan, better yet how do I just get over myself and be less….stupid?”

This is a reoccurring fantasy I keep having. I am at the stage I have begun to wonder what I would do if Michigan proposed. I know I am no ready and in reality we aren’t there yet, but what will it take for me to be ready when we are there?

I heard a quote the other day that when we are living in the past we can’t live in the present…or something. Which is true, but what happens when a part of you feels like you need to make amends to your past before you can embrace what is next? Even more complex, what if making amends really isn’t an option and trying to do so may actually just make things worse?

When Michigan and I started, all I could see was him. The joyously bubbly feelings were overwhelming enough to forget. As the air has settled, I find it hard to think about a future with Michigan without remembering the regrets of my past. They may have been necessary for me to become the person I am and form the path I am on, but what about the casualties? Can I really just ignore them and accept them as building blocks I had no choice but to step on?

Not to mention recently a ghost from Michigan’s past reared its ugly head in the form of a Facebook message. His ex, whom I know very little about and have not pressured much to hear about, contacted me out of the blue to “warn” me about their history. I do not believe most of what she said, but it got me to thinking why we have never really discussed her if it was such a huge part of his life.

Then I remember I haven’t gone into detail about my exploits either and have no desire to whatsoever.

I don’t even know how to handle the dichotomy of wanting to share everything with him, and yet not everything. I would never lie if he asked, but I am not in a hurry to discuss the sordid details.

This is what happens when you avoid serious relationships like the plague and keep romance to the surface, you don’t know how to manage when it goes a little deeper.

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I get by with a little help from my friends

24 Oct

Social media sights get a lot of negative talk, and for good reason. We as a society have become much to programmed into the techno world with less and less face-to-face interaction. I rant as much as the next person about it on a nearly daily basis (while at the same time, very much misusing my ability to speak to a vast amount of people). But for all the negative things attributed to the internetual modalities of communication, there are a fair amount of positive aspects that can be derived as well.

I wanted to share one example of this because it inspired and moved me during a time I was struggling with some of my life choices (like yesterday).

I posted on my FB wall: “New food for thought: what make a life full? Is living responsibly always the best decision we can make for ourselves or are we supposed to take risks and live as unhindered as we can? In essence what are the things we will regret at the end of it all?”

TS responded: “The idea that we can only have a fulfilled and god-centered life if we only do hard things that make us grow/miserable–I cannot agree with this. If we are to truly be the very best that we can in order to help as many other people that we can, then happiness is key. 

Happy people have more to give than unhappy people. 

And I’m not talking about just chasing pleasure after pleasure. I’m talking about true happiness and finding the place in the world where you personally fit. Some people fit in one place their whole lives. Others need to travel, finding fulfillment in many places. We should look at other’s lives as guidelines, not rules–things to maybe try so we can find what works best for us. 

Good luck my friend.”

BC responded: “Happy people have more to give than unhappy people. 

I completely agree, but your initial statement somewhat contradicts that in a few ways. 
1) people do find pure, unsolicited, genuine happiness through God. Some may say it gives people the strength and the example, as Christianity means putting the teachings of an exemplary figure, (J. Christ) into practice. It’s ACTION rather than thinking. 
2) Religion can bring out the very best in your spirit. Through that constant connection, your esteem, worth and value are raised due to a better understanding of yourself, purpose and direction. You DO have more to give, and an “endless, infinite battery” you use to recharge yourself everyday. 

I think we just need to tap into our source of energy, whether it’s God, individuals in your life, or exemplary figures that show us there is something deeper. It’s finding that energy source that will keep you running and active, being the best you can be in order to, as it was mentioned before, “help as many other people as we can”. Help them reach that happiness you’ve obtained:)”

KD responded: “Its technically about focusing on living in holiness, not happiness…BUT happiness falls into place naturally on our journey because its a gift from God…this is much easier said than done because we are humans. We will never be perfect in this life and God does not expect it, but He does expect us to SEEK holiness above our selfishness. Like I said, easier said than done- just ask me. 😉;) I also like what Tai emphasized- its not about seeking pleasure after pleasure, but finding where we fit.”

The Unemployed Philosopher

22 Sep

This is more a story about one of those guys that sneaks up on you and morphs into something entirely unexpected before you really have much of a chance to realize what’s happening. The Unemployed Philosopher is one of those guys no body “gets.” You’ve met them, a little odd, kind of douchy, aloof. If you are a girl like me you take one glance and want to punch them just so you don’t have to hear their voice, but you assume such an action would just bring on another long-winded conversation around the human race’s need to inflict pain on one another to feel powerful and dominant, yada yada. TUP is one of those…until you get to know him. Which probably explains why at 27 he was still a virgin, but we’ll get back to that.

TUP and my friend the Seaman from high school (you know, the one getting married to SMC) have known each other since elementary school. He was always a name I had heard here and there so I knew he existed, but we had never met. Until last year. That is when SMC wanted me to help her throw a surprise party for the Seaman’s 27th birthday. We planned it for a couple weeks and she asked me if I knew him. I told her the tale, which wasn’t much, and she took it from there. The day of the party she gave him my number since she was going to be with the Seaman prior to the surprise and we were all meeting at Dave and Busters. The texts prior and the party that night further convinced me he was just what I expected him to be, but I did think his brother was rather adorable (that’s important-ish later).

Months go by and nothing of note to this particular story occur. Well, other than he Seaman and SMC getting engaged. I guess that’s kind of a big deal. Especially since SMC’s psycho mother decides to throw an engagement party. The bridal party was invited and as I was asked to be a bridesmaid and TUP asked to be a groomsman, we both attended. TUP also brought his brother interestingly enough, and despite my attempts to flirt discreetly I was apparently not as undercover as I suspected I was.

Facebook being the great connector to people you wouldn’t otherwise speak with, created a little circle of connections around the upcoming nuptials. About a week after the party, I was feeding my addiction to the website, and TUP messaged me rather unexpectedly. He started by calling me out on flirting with his brother and this led to an extended conversation into the wee hours of the morning. I thought little of it, but I felt after this that perhaps I had misjudged his character. We had a lot in common and this was surprising to me. I also discovered his tendency to be more than a little honest, he didn’t seem to hide much and I respected that.

There were a few more conversations similar to that one which led me to believe his motives were not entirely based on developing a purely social relationship, and then he told me he wanted to sleep with me and my suspicions were confirmed. Surprisingly for me by that point I wasn’t opposed to the idea.

Enter my birthday.

Every year it turns into a week long extravaganza during which I roam from town to town celebrating with all my different circles of friends. This year when I was making plans with my friends back home, one of my priorities was including TUP. He ended up joining a few of us on a bar hop in Providence. Alcohol, good friends, and ending the night in a dark and dingy club created a feeling of euphoria, as it often does, and he and I ended up wandering the streets on our own in search of pizza (which we never found).

It wasn’t until sitting on the stairs under a flickering street light when he told me he’d never been with a woman that I decided he was my newest project. I liked him, I had admitted that to myself, and the addition of having that unique aspect of power and control sealed the deal. It helped that I found the ease with which I could make him uncomfortable amusing. Straddling his lap, between kisses, I told him all the things I would teach him and I could feel his excitement building.

Sidebar. Recounting this now, I realize how much it resembles a harlequin romance novel. Oops.

We went back to the car and found an empty lot off the beaten path. Under the stars (yes we went outside, the hood of his car seemed more interesting than the back seat), we kissed and disrobed, and I realized just how much work I had committed to, but it was fun and felt a tiny bit dangerous. Before we could actually engage in the big finale, however, TUP noticed another car had pulled into the lot and after hastily replacing out clothing, we jumped back into the car. I had a big laugh, he was not as amused and didn’t get quite the same rush, but he was a trooper. He brought me back to my car and we said good night.

I went to Arizona for the rest of the week (post to come) and so it was another week until any plans could be made to make good on my newest life goal.

I got back on the following Monday and invited him over for some Monday night football. Living in RI and being unemployed (don’t judge), this was not the simplest of tasks, but he managed to find a way and despite the traffic, survived the trip. The night was, eventful, more for him than for me. He was a virgin, I didn’t expect much, and we had some fun. It was simple. Very by the book, but I liked that we could laugh and joke around about the awkwardness for him and the challenges presented for me. It was refreshing to not have to be “on” and in the game since I was literally the best he’d ever had.

The next morning was just as easy and simple. We went for another round, took showers, I made breakfast, we went for a walk around Salem since he’d never been and we just talked. One of his friends texted him at some point to ask how it went, and he let me respond which I found amusing as well.

After he left I really felt that there was a connection. I wanted more time with him. I wanted to make something out of the raw materials he presented. We shared an honesty, a need to remove ourselves from the pressure society puts on us to be in a mold. I believed there was a mutual respect and understanding in the personality aspects we both held that often reflected negatively with other people. It was promising and then some.

Its been a couple weeks since that moment. I haven’t seen him and our conversations are not nearly as intriguing and insightful more often than not. Reality has set in. He’s unemployed, far away, and difficult to be spontaneous with. Even if I were to put aside the fact he’s never had a girlfriend and doesn’t react the way I expect to my womanly snares, it seems I am falling into my regular pattern after the bubblies of a new possibility die down. It is interesting how every time I truly believe I won’t find a reason to end up here, and every time I’m not all that surprised that I do.

Who knows, maybe he’ll surprise me. He was a big enough deal to feel the need to write this. Maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe I really am being realistic. Only time will tell.