Tag Archives: fear

Crazy Cat Lady

30 Oct

August 12, 2013 – – There are many days I wonder if I am destined to become the crazy cat lady in the weird smelling apartment upstairs. I don’t want pets, but every once in a while I consider getting one. I convince myself not to because there is too much responsibility involved, but someday it is feasible that I won’t shy away from responsibility as much as I do now. That’s not really the point though is it. It’s never about the cats its about the lady upstairs. Its about living a life of solitude and letting it drag you into the abyss.

I like my time on my own, but every so often I crave interaction So much so that I’ll go out to the store or to buy a coffee so I can talk to an actual human being.

That had been the hardest part of this move. Now that basic needs are accounted for, I ache for the social life I had in New England. Ache to be able to call up a friend I have known for years and grab dinner. LP is wonderful to have, but she is not enough, especially now that she spends every aching moment with her new and improved bf of the moment and doesn’t even care to spend time with anyone else.

There I go exuding that bitterness I can’t seem to keep in check.

I was watching a movie tonight (currently watching actually its just that boring and I wish I could stop but I have a problem with not finishing things) and there was some guy living in an abandoned building trying to kill the main character. He literally went insane from the solitude. Although, to keep things in perspective, the main character went insane from a different kind of solitude. He was surrounded by many and had no one he new intimately. The dichotomy of those characters is extremely interesting to me.

Growing up the adults in your life tried to convince you that its not about the amount of friends you had but the quality of the friendships. In your formative years, however, it doesn’t feel that way. The more friends you have translates to your popularity, and popularity is important. The more people that like your company the more worthy of their time you must be.

Clearly at this stage of my life I have for the most part moved beyond that mode of thinking, but the older you get the more difficult it also is to make those close friendships. You are simply not thrown into the same social situations you once were and when you are a work-a-holic like myself most of the people you meet are from the workplace which can become difficult to balance.

I began by talking about the crazy cat lady many of us ladies fear becoming. I think we fear the loneliness, the solitude, the feeling of worthlessness we battled with in our childhood. We fear losing the intimate connections that make us human. It is an irrational fear for most of us, peeking out from behind the curtain in our weakest moments. Many of us cling to shallow friendships in an effort, no longer to prove or popularity, but to attempt to build an arsenal for the future.

Unless I crawl under a rock for the next fifty years, I fully intend to live a full and active life with an ever changing flow of new and old friends, but the “what if” always remains. Always fights to be heard and acknowledged. We are the only ones that control that fate. We have the power and it is our insecurities and doubts that try to strip us of that. The key is to ignore the voices of negativity and embrace the powerful, vivacious  people we have all the potential to be. Easier said than done, but none the less a battle worth fighting.

Depression…what a bitch!

20 Apr

I hate to whine and make people listen to my problems. You know its bad when I can’t find an appropriate level of positivity to hold up a conversation. I have to admit that even I, with ability to always find the silver lining and snap myself out of a funk within a day or two, have hit a great big wall that’s making it hard to get out of bed.

Feeling that you are one heartbeat away from failing is a hard feeling to fight. You start at the top of this spiral where confidence is high and your determination is strong. Then with each road block your confidence and determination are slowly chipped away at. When one decreases the other falls with it. Then what fills up the space that is left is fear and hopelessness. Once the equilibrium is more fear/hopelessness than confidence/determination, its hard to get out of bed and do anything to help yourself out of the hole.

This my friends is depression at its finest. We all get there at some point in our lives, some more intensely than others, but if you’ve ever had a day it felt better to stay in bed with the blinds closed sleeping and having hours long marathons of tv shows you don’t even care about, than get up, take a shower, and do even the slightest thing to make the situation better, you know what I’m talking about.

I meant to start this post days ago, but instead wallowed, watched A LOT of netflix, and considered buying a plane ticket home. Of course the concept of living with my parents and abandoning all my things was enough of a deterrent, so now, days later, or like a week, I have almost come to terms with where I’m at and begun making a new plan.

How did I get here? Well it all started with the death of Skittles. Not having a car has made getting a job hard, which led me in an act of desperation to buy a car at a car auction with half of my remaining savings. The car is, and I’m being nice when I say this, a dirty whore bitch with more problems than I can even consider.

Hind sight is 20/20 and mine is crystal clear. I know exactly what I would do to not have ended up here, but none the less, here I am and I can either continue to wallow until I am left with no choices at all, or rebuild. Its still hard and I’m still struggling, and part of me wants to cry pretty much every second of the day, but life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you have to get off your privileged high horse and  take a very large bite of reality, knowing that in the end it will make you a better, stronger person.

Saying this out loud helps. I repeat it to myself constantly. There is always someone who has it worse off than you do. I am not in a good place necessarily, but I have all my basic needs met and still enough audacity to have some self-pity. I’m sure in the months to come it will continue to be hard and I’ll still have days that I want to swallow a handful of vicodin. However, I am blessed with a vast support group of friends and family, who, even from thousands of miles away for the most part, still manage to make me feel loved and reassured. THAT is what keeps me going, THAT is how I get out of bed everyday, and no matter how bad things get, I will forever be thankful for those people.

Side note: as I was writing this it reminded me of another blog I had read a while back. The entire things is great, she’s freaking hilarious, until the last post and I haven’t seen anything new since *sadface* Check it out – Adventures in Depression 

Daylight

21 Jan

There are days you just feel bipolar. You know the days I’m talking about. One second you’re smiling and the next you are one sad song away from a complete breakdown. It’s those days I am the most pensive, for better or for worst.

I was walking the malamutes for my last walk of the day, and spaced out into this daydream where I was talking to new work crush about why I was single. Long story short, daydream me said some things real life me rarely says out loud. Being a bipolar day, I’m dwelling.

Sometimes I wonder if in all seriousness I’ll always be single. Most of the time I am positive and chipper, convinced I’m just not willing to settle and one day yada yada. It’s only in the shadowed corner of my heart that the thought clings on and festers. What if I missed it, my chance?

I have only ever had one serious relationship, one boy to call mine (one boy to rule them all, and in the darkness find them…sorry, had to, LOTR geek). It has been just over five years since that relationship ended. Since, I have had my fair share of trysts, but nothing of any merit really. With the exception of HB, of course. Mr. Wrong was, well, wrong, and HB, he was something else. That boy would have given me the world if I could have just taken a moment and gotten over myself.

In all that time I was being self-centered and convincing myself I didn’t need anybody, what if he came in and left again, and I didn’t even notice? I mean it has been five years for God sake. Besides, some people are happy just being there own person, it happens, I could see it. Maybe I’m just going to spend the next decade or so bouncing around from one to the next until I get bored, throw my hands in the air, finally just accept my spinster-hood and get a dog (I still refuse to be the crazy cat lady).

Or maybe I’m just being crazy. However, a fear is a fear no matter how small and sometimes it makes it feel better simply to share. Maybe you are reading this and are totally relating. Maybe it’s something you only allow yourself to admit in a drunken stupor because if you said it out loud in the light of day, you’d want to swallow some pills. That’s ok, I’ve been there, and there’s nothing wrong with thinking positive thoughts instead. Just know you’re not the only one, part of me really thinks all us single people are in the same boat.

In fact, that brings me to that previous post I wrote, you know the one. I really think we need to start a club. We’re single and proud or something less cheesy, A LOT less cheesy. But there would have to be rules. Like no judging the couply people, and no trying to keep someone in it, and no being bitter. Just a thought. Like all the rest of the stuff that comes out of my head.

PS Dear HB,