Tag Archives: future

Unwinding Disilussion

3 Oct

The more I let go of my past, the more I realize how tightly I have been holding on to things that I should have left behind long ago. The harsh side effect of this is that I have not been fully embracing the future my current path is leading me towards. There is a vast difference between missing things and trying to build on crumbling foundations.

TOGA has a girlfriend. She is someone I know…and do not respect. More importantly, she is not me. After spending half an hour on the floor crying one of those body-racking cries the night I found out, it was obvious I have yet to let go of the future I had hoped for with him. All of this despite the one year anniversary on the horizon with Michigan.

Whoever says you can’t love two people at once is full of crap. I love Michigan in a very life-consuming way. I want to share my entire being with him in a way I haven’t wanted to share it with anyone in a very long time. There is nothing uncomfortable about our relationship and we accept each other where we are at completely. I love TOGA too. My love for him is lasting and stagnant. I love him with a yearning for something that will never be. Furthermore, I have been unable to accept the impossibility of the situation.

It is time to start seeing it and letting it take hold. I have yet to decide if doing so will mean extricating him from my life entirely or finding a way to heal before allowing the relationship to continue. It is very clear that regardless of the solution, it is unfair to Michigan and unfair to myself to make no change whatsoever.

Letting go is hard, but what comes next can be so much better if the heart is allowed some room to breathe.

Advertisements

Chapter Something

5 Jun

The door opens and as LP enters, I can’t help but stare menacingly at her and take another sip, realizing that the drink in my hand, my third, is probably stronger than I intended.

“Hey, whatcha doing?”

“Michigan proposed today.”

LP stares at me astonished.

“I don’t know what is wrong with me. All I could do was stare and immediately felt like all I wanted to do was drink, curl up in a ball and listen to extremely loud indie music. Something is wrong with me. I mean shouldn’t I be overjoyed and telling all my friends? I just wanted to be happy, say yes and live my life with the guy I know I should be with. Then my brain kicked in and Mr. Wrong and HB flew in and took away my ability to speak. How do I explain that to Michigan, better yet how do I just get over myself and be less….stupid?”

This is a reoccurring fantasy I keep having. I am at the stage I have begun to wonder what I would do if Michigan proposed. I know I am no ready and in reality we aren’t there yet, but what will it take for me to be ready when we are there?

I heard a quote the other day that when we are living in the past we can’t live in the present…or something. Which is true, but what happens when a part of you feels like you need to make amends to your past before you can embrace what is next? Even more complex, what if making amends really isn’t an option and trying to do so may actually just make things worse?

When Michigan and I started, all I could see was him. The joyously bubbly feelings were overwhelming enough to forget. As the air has settled, I find it hard to think about a future with Michigan without remembering the regrets of my past. They may have been necessary for me to become the person I am and form the path I am on, but what about the casualties? Can I really just ignore them and accept them as building blocks I had no choice but to step on?

Not to mention recently a ghost from Michigan’s past reared its ugly head in the form of a Facebook message. His ex, whom I know very little about and have not pressured much to hear about, contacted me out of the blue to “warn” me about their history. I do not believe most of what she said, but it got me to thinking why we have never really discussed her if it was such a huge part of his life.

Then I remember I haven’t gone into detail about my exploits either and have no desire to whatsoever.

I don’t even know how to handle the dichotomy of wanting to share everything with him, and yet not everything. I would never lie if he asked, but I am not in a hurry to discuss the sordid details.

This is what happens when you avoid serious relationships like the plague and keep romance to the surface, you don’t know how to manage when it goes a little deeper.

Every Blessing Comes with a set of Curses

7 May

You know the saying. Hindsight is 20/20. That’s all well and good except that most days I wish I could see the future as well as I can see the past. Not even the details, just the vague outline. But that’s what its all about right? Not knowing. Jumping into the abyss day after day and hoping you come out the other side with no major injuries. I mean, in reality, sometimes even the past takes some time to come into focus. It could be months, years, even decades before it all makes sense.

This is starting to sound decidedly negative-y which was not my intention in the least. I guess I’m just feeling reflective…or something.

Really I wanted to share some big news. As of this week, I am officially employed! (Jumps up and down in a very cheerleader type fashion) Not almost employed like before when I got all excited, but for real employed and starting on Monday. Clearly I have mixed feelings about it. It would be out of the norm for me to just simply be satisfied, let’s be honest. I am thankful to have a job again, something to do with my days, and an actual income. I am excited to start catching up on bills and start the arduous process of rebuilding my savings account. I am ecstatic to stop being anxious about failing in this great endeavor and having to return home with my head hung in shame. Seriously, probably would have become a hermit if that had happened for at least 6 months.

However, I can’t help but not be as excited as I could be. Reality did not meet expectation in the end and part of me is severely disappointed. I feel like I’m taking a huge step back. I guess starting over means starting from scratch, but I was kind of hoping I could start everything else over and still maintain the progress I had built in my career path. Perhaps that was too much to ask for.

The job is in a residential facility for teen coping with mental health and substance abuse. I’ve done this before so I know I can do it again, but I left originally for a reason. Its a lot of stress, a shit schedule, and the pay cut is significant. It IS in my field so its going to pay off in the end, but the question is how long the waiting will take.

I put a six month time stamp on it. I will work my ass off and focus on the positive until then. After I put in the time (and get financially stable again) then I can kick it into high gear and find something I actually want and can feel passionate about again. Not to say that I’ll entirely stop looking for six months or that if something works out that is better for me then I won’t take it, I just refuse to stress over it until then.

In other news, TOGA is all done fixing the bitch whore and soon she will be sold and a little extra cash will be coming my way.

In other boy news, add another one to the list. LP and I have been getting to know our new downstairs neighbors. There’s three guys, all single, but one of them, Jack-of-all-trades, and I have been spending a lot of time together. It started a couple weeks ago. LP had been out, I was partying with people at the complex, when she came home there were more people that came with her…one of those nights. As the night quieted down, LP, one of the Parasites, and I were outside on our porch-esque area having a conversation when we heard the guys downstairs. LP being LP said something and one thing lead to another before we were all outside their apartment making introductions and chatting. Jack is a talker to say the least and has some pretty amazing stories to tell and if you have caught on about LP much, she can get pretty social herself. Personally I was commenting where I had an input, but mostly just enjoying the atmosphere.

The one thing I do remember talking about was my situation which at the time was still jobless and getting short on the financial side. Jack has a few projects he’s working on and said in a mostly off-hand way that he might be able to help me out. It was a nice thing to say, but I didn’t put much stock into it, I mean I had JUST met him. However, a few days later, there he was outside his apartment again when I came home in the afternoon from some distraction, and asked me if I had a second to talk. We went into his apartment, he told me about this project he’s been working on, and details about how I could get involved. Since then, I’ve been helping out where I can, less for the money, more because his personality makes it so hard to say no. Jack is very open and make you feel comfortable just by how he holds himself. Sometimes we hang out and work on something for his business, sometimes we just hang out, but I always lose track of time. I’m not getting all girly here, just stating facts.

Regardless of what happens with Jack, or with the job, or anything else that is in the development stages, I finally feel a bit more at peace and that is a nice feeling. The temperature is on the rise and so am I. New adventures await.

PS Happy Cinco de Mayo…meant to stick that story in here, but got a little carried away. Suffice it to say, it did not go as expected…aka I was convinced I could stay sober then ended up in bed (FULLY CLOTHED!) with two guys.

He’s Just Not That Into You

11 Apr

I no longer understand men. Or maybe I never did and I’ve just been bragging that I had them cornered for too long.

Out of all the things I thought I have learned over the years, I am constantly being proven wrong, over and over again. I don’t “love” easily, but I “like” quickly. I am a sucker for attention and I want my happily ever after so badly that sometimes I see it where it doesn’t exist.

That has never kept me from trying.

I was watching “He’s Just Not That Insto You” again for the thousandth time tonight while talking to not only Toga, but the Hipster too. My feelings toward both are complicated and strange and…well so many things except for simple.

Its at moments like this I wish I could see the future. Maybe not even the whole future, just the vague idea of what the future might be. Then at least I’d have a road map, however crude it might be. I wouldn’t pine for the men that I know I’ll never have and ignore the ones that might actually be worth my time.

No tea leaves, no horoscopes, no trying to invent truth serum or use the force to extract information. That shit’s exhausting.

PS the Hipster really just wasn’t that into me…but he liked the head so he kept coming back. Fucking hipsters

Sometimes you just need to shut up and enjoy it

4 Dec

This can be said about so many things.

I think when I wrote this idea down it was specifically intended to be about Tup. A bitter soliloquy on the ending of what was obviously something never meant to be and just a delusional dream. However, now that I have found it again, I am thinking I need to write it on a poster and post it somewhere I’ll see it everyday.

I don’t know about you, but I spend so much of my life thinking about the future. What is it going to look like? Where am I going to be? Who am I going to be spending my time with? And on and on and on. Its exhausting sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong. A life without some semblance of a plan is a useless waste of existence, but sometimes we have to buckle down and accept that the things we want are going to take time. Staying at a job that is less than ideal to build your resume. Being single for a while in order to learn new things about yourself and reconnect to the person you want to be. Living with your parents to build up that savings account so you might actually get to live somewhere decent (thank God I’m past that one!). All semi-torturous things that we wish we could change, but maybe in the moment are more beneficial to endure than to escape.

We’re all big kids now. We should be past thinking that life is just going to be all sunshine and rainbows. I am wholeheartedly an advocate for making every second exciting and everyday an adventure, but I am also realistic and recognize that that’s impossible. Nor would I really honestly want every moment to be happy and boistrus. How can we truly appreciate the great moments if we don’t know what the other end of the scale is like? If everything is the same, nothing is special.

Today was a day I was questioning everything. Wondering what I am really doing. A conversation with LP and  few glasses of wine later, I am much more content than I was this morning. Nothing has changed. I am not any different. I just know that eventually I’ll get to where I want to be. I am putting in my time and counting my pennies, tedious tasks, but necessary for an even greater next step.

Just wanted to share and hopefully encourage. XOXO