Tag Archives: God

Tiny Little Voices

4 Jul

The last two weeks have been hard. I have felt vulnerable at best and worthless at worst. You wouldn’t think getting passed over for a promotion would do that to you, except that the insult was one in a string of many. Now this isn’t a post about how horrible my job is, although I could go on about that for ages, but about that tiny voice I really should listen to more often.

I call that voice God, but others may call it something else. Conscience. The universe. Reason. Tina Turner. Really to each his (or her) own.

I consider myself a spiritual person. I pray. I do yoga. I make an attempt at meditating. I like feeling connected to the world around me and spirituality is one way I achieve that. I grew up in the church and always found peace there. When I moved out of my parents’ place after college, I stopped going. Stopped as in not even the rare visit on holidays. I wouldn’t say my life has fallen apart because of it nor that I have stopped calling myself a Christian. However, I will say I consistently look back at that period of my life and miss the feeling of purpose I had. I was more fulfilled then than at ay other point of my life.

Now, back to the last two weeks. It seems that two thing coincided. My job became a sinkhole of despair and my relationship hit a giant fucking road block. They say bad things come in threes so I am waiting for one more big life failure like my parents dying on their way back from Canada or finding out I am pregnant…any day now. The first two, however, have been bad enough so I am ok if it is just a duo this time. My emotional health has been plummeting and I have had little motivation to fix it. Initially I was keeping up with little things like housework and my physical wellbeing, but even those are falling to the wayside.

How do all of these random ideas fit together, well let me tell you. Today Michigan went to the gym and I had no motivation to go to yoga so I was about to put on an episode (or 4) of the last season of Hart of Dixie when it occurred to me that I might find a more productive use of my time. I went to my book shelf to pick out one of the few self-help books I have purchased, and remembered I was in the middle of working through the Captivating companion journal/guide thing. I pulled out the book and the journal and plopped onto the couch. About halfway through, while tears were streaking my cheeks, a realization hit me that had I not listened to that tiny little voice I would not feel as good as I did in that moment.

I am not saying that I am all better and a miracle happened this morning, but sometimes that voice knows exactly what you need when you need it. What I needed this morning was that book and some self-analysis.

It happened earlier this week too. One night when I was full-on pity party and in bed before Michigan, I pulled out the Brene Brown book I keep on my bedside table. Her words were exactly what I needed to hear.

That voice is hard to hear sometimes through the cacophony that is our lives, but it is so so important to listen, to take time for ourselves; to find what we need and allow ourselves the time to be present and accepting of it. For me, this week, it has been books, but sometimes it is time with a friend, or making a detour for coffee, or just sitting in silence to find a snippet of peace. I don’t know what it is for you, but I encourage you to listen to it and take advantage of the things that make you feel connected to the world around you.

Resoluting

2 Jan

Happy New Years!!

As most of the population this time of year often brings about reflections on the previous year…which more often than not in recent years brings about reflections on my entire fucking lifespan. The question “how did I get here?” often resonates with me.

But I’m not here to talk about that tonight. Mostly because I’m doing my best not to think about it.

…awkward silence…QUICK say something funny!!

Poop

Now that we’re past that fork in the road, I want to share my resolutions for the year.

Every year up until last year I always made the same ones. Be less fat. Be more healthy. Talk to God more (WHAT! she’s a Christian!?!), figure out what I’m doing with my life….and so on. Typical bull shit, never going to get done because there is never a real plan attached to them, resolutions. Except that one year after college when I lost 50 pounds. Good year.

Last year I decided not to fall into the trap and instead made “goals” for 2012. Which turns out was just a more creative way of saying resolutions that I actually wrote out a plan for. I would tell you what they were, but by October the pretty paper I had them plotted out on was in the trash. I do remember I was going to drink less, work out more, and find a new job. Guess how much of that I accomplished and then managed to maintain as a lifestyle. Ch-yeah.

This year I am picking one very simple, very concise thing. I want to learn something new everyday. No limitations no guidelines and in fact I’m pretty sure I do that anyway.

Why? Because I can.

“But PR if you already do it then its not really a resolution.” Fuck you, doubter. Here’s the life change. I’m going to document it. No, not here necessarily, we all know how blog everyday for a week went…or rather didn’t. One little notebook, maybe some sharing, just to show some sort of progress. Maybe it will bring inspiration to higher goals, maybe it will be a reminder I’m not stuck in an endless abyss, maybe it will do nothing but be an annoying chore, but I won’t know until I try and that’s the damn point of a resolution right?

As a measure of good faith I am going to share my something new for today. It may be January 2nd and I may have already forgotten my new thing from yesterday, but hey, no one is perfect.