Tag Archives: Hannah Hart

The Gender Tag Project

28 Feb

I found this originally through on of my favorite YouTubers, Hannah Hart, and knew immediately I was going to do my own. Working with the age group I do, it has become one of my life missions to talk about issues of gender and equality. Start ’em young!!

The project is pretty cool and I recommend checking it out, but without further ado, The Gender Tag.

1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

I identify as female. I am fortunate to identify with my biological gender. That doesn’t mean, however, following the expectations and norms of that gender is always straightforward or freeing, sometimes it is suffocating.

2. What pronouns honor you?

I am a “she”/”her” kind of gal.

3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

It depends on the day, the mood, the energy level, etc. Mostly these days I would describe my style as lazy hipster co-ed. Lots on legging, lots of yoga pants, recently joggers, all paired with t-shirts, tank tops, and sweaters. My job affords me the privilege of comfort and I usually take full advantage.

4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?

Currently my head hair is long and two-toned. I dye it because I don’t enjoy my natural shade of dirty blonde and for the last several years I have been growing it out. Recently ┬áthe urge to chop it all off has taken a strong hold.
As for the rest of my bodily tresses, I tend to tend to them once a week-ish unless a good reason arises. It used to be an upcoming hot date most often, but solidly in relationship mode, the absolute necessity of wearing shorts seems to be the only thing with enough motivation (and sometimes not even then).

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?

Makeup on occasion, really when I want to/need to/already feel “pretty.”
Nail painting rotates between often and rarely, I am currently in a rarely phase.
Soap and perfumes both I tend to go for “clean” or “floral” or “musky.” I don’t use perfume often, every once in a while a splash of body spray (usually some bottle that has been gifted to me), I rely on my deodorant for any extra enticing scent (my latest addiction is Old Spice Figi).

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?

Misgendered, no, at least that is no how I would describe it. Felt pressured or expected to act a certain way because of my gender, a big big yes. This seems to happen less as I have gotten older, certainly as I have become more open in being entirely who I am, but when I was younger the struggle was very real.

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

Again, less as I have grown older. When I was a teenager, it was a constant struggle to stay positive about my life and where my path would lead me. These days, I am generally satisfied and although there are goals I would still like to accomplish and things I struggle to change, I have more faith in my own process. Of course, no one is perfect and I have dark days that seem to swallow every ounce of sunlight, but even in the middle of the tunnel, I know there is another side I am going to come out on.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

NO. Sorry that was blunt. I do not desire at this point in my life to have a child. The thought terrifies me on several levels, and in all honesty, although I believe that if I was committed to the process, I would be an excellent parent, I don’t ever see myself being committed enough. I am going to be honest, I am selfish. I don’t want to struggle financially just when I feel like I almost have my head wrapped around what stability would look like, I want to travel, I want to go out on weekends and not worry about a babysitter for little Susie (not what I would name it btw). I just want to be able to live my life and I can’t even keep a plant alive while doing that.

9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

My relationship with money is interesting (at least to me). I don’t have a lot of it, and really I view it more as a necessity than an objective or a means to happiness. However, because I don’t have a lot of it I am often stingy with it. On the other hand, I am also very prideful and glean a lot of self worth from being able to support myself and not only pay my own way, but sprinkle my friends with generosity too. On more than one occasion I have had enough in the bank to only cover myself, but because of some weird social obligation I sometimes feel, have paid for an entire bill. I hate being in debt, but struggle to get out of it once I am in it because I have a hard time turning down social outings through which I may gain in iota of acceptance.
Long story short, I don’t relate to money via my gender or obligation I feel because of it in a grand sense, but in a more communal way which I may or may not have learned because of my gender assignment.

10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

On the whole I think the story of me and gender is this: the older I get the easier it is to come to terms with expectations that may be placed on me due to my femininity. Despite some of the obstacles that have come with identifying as female, I am appreciative that I was born already comfortable in the skin I have (in a sense). That doesn’t mean I stop striving to understand the battles that others face or lend my voice when I can.

That Small Feeling You Get When Life Grows Too Big

12 Sep

This week I have felt smaller than small. Which is ironic because over the weekend I felt like a GIANT. Oh how far the mighty fall.

Sunday was my birthday. I am firmly in the downward swing of my 20s – 27, UGH. It isn’t the number so much, just the feeling that I haven’t grown up as much as I should have by now.

I went to Vegas for the weekend with my recently married lady friends and Michigan. It was a blast…with the usual bumps. I drove out Friday morning with the girls and we picked Michigan up from the airport. We couldn’t check in right away but the strip was calling anyway!

With a good buzz on a couple hours later and some sights seen, we checked in, got settled, and played some cards in the hotel. After a few rounds and a few more drinks, we went out for some more exploring. However, my patience was low and my libido was high (3 months does a number on you), so it wasn’t long before we separated and had some alone fun.

Fully satisfied and post-shower we were back out on the town…because that’s what you do in Vegas. We hit up Liasons, danced, talked…drank. Memory gets a little blurry around the time we left, but apparently I got a little grumpy. Best guess is because Michigan wouldn’t dance with me, but it could have been any other number of minor, perceived insults. Does it matter?

The hangover, needless to say, was harsh. I stayed in bed until almost one in the afternoon. I did manage to get up when the girls got back from the pool and consumed copious amounts of water with a splash of a few painkillers. Just in time for the brunch buffet! This was either the best idea ever or the worst, but either way it was yummy. I do regret not feeling well enough to partake in free mimosas though, I love mimosas. Vegas is about over indulgence and clearly thus far I was succeeding.

Since we hadn’t done any gambling yet, that is what came next. I lost 20 bucks in the slots and watched Michigan lose some money at the blackjack tables. No one was winning so naps sounded like a better idea (yes, I could sleep more). Feeling more alive, the second round of gambling proved more lucrative…for everyone but me…who was up 40 bucks at one point then lost it all…self control issues. I do enjoy the free drinks that come around when you are spending money though.

Afterwards we did the silly tourist thing, took some pictures, saw the Bellagio water show, all the fun things before changing and heading to this outdoor club near our hotel. I wore my tiara out since it was my birthday night. This turned into over indulgent bartenders giving me and my companions awesome free shots, and sometimes just pouring them into my mouth and the mouth of whoever was up there with me. That and they kept getting on top of the bar and pouring them into everyone’s mouths, it was like, why even buy anything? We ALL danced that night, I think Michigan was making an effort because it was an issue the night before and has been more than once previously. It was a live band even which I love!

I was not nearly as drunk as I was the previous night, but I still got a little weird after the girls left to utilize the empty hotel room. The drama started when Michigan and I finally left and I wanted to walk, but Michigan didn’t. I clearly do what I want so we walked. I don’t remember why, but he had my wallet and when I realized this, I asked for it back…aaaand he wouldn’t give it to me. Angry, I walked faster. Eventually he gave it to me, but the damage was done. I probably kept the fumes going for about a mile, but then I realized it was going to take forever to walk back, so we crossed the street at the mall and sat down.

Michigan, in an attempt to salvage the night, asked if I remembered what I had asked for for my birthday. I had asked for a timeline for when he was going to move so I could plan and stop freaking out that it was never going to happen and I was wasting my time. I was certain that it would be no later than early December, I could have sworn that we had mentioned this before. When he told me late January, maybe you can begin to imagine why my hopes were crushed. I hugged my knees into myself and buried my face in them as the tears welled up and spilled over.

When I finally got the tears to stop, I looked up, said, “I don’t know if I can wait until January,” and walked away.

Back at the hotel, I did the very adult thing of locking myself in the bathroom to lie on the floor until Maria came in and convinced me to go to bed. The cool tile just felt so nice.

Sunday I woke up feeling physically fine, but with a killer emotional hangover.

After we checked out, we still had a lovely day. It was my birthday! We had lunch at Planet Hollywood which I felt very proud to remember how to find. We took a ride on the ferris wheel and saw the entire strip, I recommend going at night though, it mostly just looks like desert in the day time. Then we had cupcakes at Sprinkles. I just couldn’t get rid of my little black cloud (insert Winnie the Pooh song).

I wanted him to fix it…or maybe just show me he was feeling as much hurt as I was. I hated (hate) that this is where we are at, five month of never enough.

To top it off, my parents didn’t call. LP wasn’t there, again. The car ride ahead seemed miserable. Even though I didn’t even want to look at him, I still didn’t want to say good bye to Michigan. Nothing felt in sync. Social obligation was the only thing staving off the inevitable break down.

I did eventually talk to Michigan about how much it sucked and he tried hard to sympathize, maybe even cheer me up, but I was firmly in my funk. A funk that stuck with me. The following week shrunk my spirit even further. All of the things acting together to microwave my positivity, optimism, and any motivation.

Yada, yada, yada, stop complaining. This is just where I am at right now. 27 and feeling utterly lost.

I have been reading Hannah Hart’s book and it has been a little shining light, not life changing or anything, just a good reminder that life sucks before it gets better. It helps that I have a major crush or her. But, srsly, I recommend it to all twenty-somethings.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” -Rumi