Tag Archives: Harry Potter

Thoughts from the Mad

10 Oct

A lot has happened recently. If one of my clients was complaining to me about this shit, I would say something along the lines of “life’s hard, get a helmet.” I can’t find my helmet.

Work is difficult to live with, and more difficult to leave.

My anxiety is overwhelming and destructive.

My relationships seem to be unravelling and I don’t know how to mend them.

There is just too much going on, the ship is sinking and I can’t fins my fucking bucket. Well, I found the one with the hole in it, but the water is coming in and the one without the hole would be really useful.

Every time I think about my blog, I think “gosh, I need to write more,” but how do I write more when it is so hard to think and/or be sane.

I have ideas and inspiration at all the most inconvenient moments. Then, by the time I find a pen or a keyboard, the inspiration had fizzled. Have you ever seen Jane the Virgin? She knows what I mean.

I was listening to Harry Potter and the Sacred Text podcast while walking my dog this evening (I have one of those now!), and inspiration smacked me on the back of the head, but it took me 45 minutes to get home. It went something along the lines of finding meaning in the simple moments. Finding fulfillment when it seems inconvenient.

In addition, I have been contemplating a move to the event planning field and taking a break from the social services where I was so committed to spending my life serving. I was unsure and in a moment it washed over me and I realized I felt selfish. My commitment was to service, to bettering the world, and now what? I want to make more money and be more at peace? How long until I hate that and then hate myself for leaving something that was at least karmically fulfilling?

So many thought, so little sobriety.

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“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

17 Feb

There are things in our lives that are out of our control and which we cannot change. When we encounter these things, we have three options.

  1. We can live in agony, obsessing over it, and believing we will simply have to remain miserable until the pain dulls.
  2. We can run away from it and mask it with other things that allow us to forget to some degree.
  3. We can accept it and find a way to incorporate it into our reality.

Obviously, not all of these are healthy. More often than not, however, we take the easy paths of misery or forgetfulness because adjusting our terms of how we encounter the world is an arduous process.

We are selfish beings. It is who we are and the sooner we can see that, the easier option number three is. Being selfish and only allowing ourselves to see the world through out specific lens, means that we have a difficult time accepting things that others see in a way we do not. More often than not, the situations that are beyond our control stem from someone else seeing something differently than we do.

In this instance, and the whole reason I am even on this tangent, is because of Toga. At some point I’m sure I will chronicle out whole stupid story, but for now the basic gist is that we are friends, I want more, and he does not.

It has been a long process; one that is still ever changing and adjusting, but maintaining our friendship when we are both on very distinctive pages in this has been, to say the least, complex. At the end of the day, it was and is a situation I have had to accept I cannot change and either walk away from or find a way to incorporate it into my life. There was a time, not too long ago (read “Does this mean I have to be an adult now??”), which I thought it would be easiest to walk away. I was wrong, although I can’t say that I have consistently been confident in that decision since.

It isn’t about consistency though. It is a moment-to-moment battle. It is a decision that has to be made again and again. But sitting here, watching him tinker with his newest car project for the last few hours, I can’t help but think it’s a battle I’ll continue to come out on the same side of. Sometimes a little heartache is good for us, makes us stronger, and it does get easier if they are worth having in your life. The biggest question is whether or not you can live with the choices you make.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Flowers are stupid and monogamy is confusing

9 Oct

I don’t know at what point flowers became the thing to give a girl on a date, but the idea is morbid and needs to be exterminated. What do you expect from me?

Guy: “Hey baby, here’s some flowers”

Girl: “Ermehgerd! They are so pretty and smell so pretty and make you look so pretty!! Must suck your dick now!!!”

…No

Really, its an insulting and morbid concept. It assumes the relationship is based on a cliche and sexist formality and is fleeting at best. Boy who have given me flowers in the past have almost across the board been insincere, uncreative, and hoping my simple female mind would be impressed by such a “gentlemanly” gesture.

Ok ok maybe I’m being a bit bitter about the whole thing and speaking from my own personal perspective (duh, my blog here). I don’t judge girl that much who enjoy getting pretty colored weeds that die within a week of receiving them. However, the concept confounds me. Chocolate, ok, yum. Even jewelry, although frivolous, has some purpose in existing. Flowers have no practical usefulness at all.

I know that I am not of the norm here, but I would much rather if an individual feels the need to impress me or woo me or whatever, bring a gift which is going to serve a purpose in my life.

With that said, yesterday I had quite a lovely date with TUP in Mystic, CT, and he brought me wine. Not just any wine, Riesling because he remembered it was my favorite. You best believe that boy got in my pants.

Speaking of, while I’m actually writing a post, TUP also decided to end the evening on a confusingly annoying note. Being as unexperienced as he is, I’m not entirely surprised, but it still took me by surprise a little.

We were having a great little spontaneous date which ended humorously sexy in my backseat, and then he drops this bomb on me. Not a bomb, that was an exaggeration, really it was meant to be a simple inquiry, but nothing in my life is apparently simple.

He in a very round about way asked me if I was sleeping/fooling around with anyone else. Of course I was! I don’t do monogamy very well, and although I would probably at least consider the concept when the time arose, a few facts are very evident to me. 1. despite how adorable and well meaning TUP is, he was a virgin when I met him and needs to build up to being able to satisfy me the way I need him to, 2. he lives quite far and its difficult for us to physically connect on a regular basis, 3. he has mentioned more than once he doesn’t want to label the relationship at this point and I have agreed entirely. I avoided the question, which of course he picked up on, and I eventually gave a vague answer.

He maintained that he didn’t want to define the parameters of our arrangement, but was clear he would not be trying to sleep with anyone else. Which I find ridiculous. I don’t think that after 28 years of virginity he is all of a sudden going to become some voracious sex-amal. I wouldn’t care if he did, but saying it out loud puts an expectation on me. I DO have a voracious sexual appetite, which at some point he might be able to fulfill, but at this moment the fact of the matter is, he cannot. It understandable, there is a certain amount of pleasure I get from the student-teacher relationship that naturally formed, but he’s sexually young and inexperienced, period.

Why can’t I tell him everything else without telling him the things he doesn’t want to know? Why do guys insist in claiming territory and getting upset when they find out the women in their lives might have needs they can’t fulfill? It would be one thing if we had been clear from the beginning, but we weren’t. How can one of the things I love about him the most, his innocence, be one of the most annoying things about moving forward?

Have I gotten in too deep?

The fact of the matter is that at the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I’m moving across the country within the year and nothing and no one is going to keep me here. Really, the appropriate thing to do would be to tell him that’s the plan and save us both a lot of trouble. But I like him. I like not having to edit myself, or put on a show, or try to fit a mold. He doesn’t care. He sees me, and he doesn’t care I have some cracks. That is a rare and unique thing. I just worry that when he sees all the shit underneath that has built up over the years, he’ll be just like all the rest.

On that positive note! My groupon good came in today and he entire Harry Potter series on DVD is waiting for me. Although I might wait to start that adventure and read a few more chapters of Fifty Shade of Grey.