Tag Archives: HB

Chapter Something

5 Jun

The door opens and as LP enters, I can’t help but stare menacingly at her and take another sip, realizing that the drink in my hand, my third, is probably stronger than I intended.

“Hey, whatcha doing?”

“Michigan proposed today.”

LP stares at me astonished.

“I don’t know what is wrong with me. All I could do was stare and immediately felt like all I wanted to do was drink, curl up in a ball and listen to extremely loud indie music. Something is wrong with me. I mean shouldn’t I be overjoyed and telling all my friends? I just wanted to be happy, say yes and live my life with the guy I know I should be with. Then my brain kicked in and Mr. Wrong and HB flew in and took away my ability to speak. How do I explain that to Michigan, better yet how do I just get over myself and be less….stupid?”

This is a reoccurring fantasy I keep having. I am at the stage I have begun to wonder what I would do if Michigan proposed. I know I am no ready and in reality we aren’t there yet, but what will it take for me to be ready when we are there?

I heard a quote the other day that when we are living in the past we can’t live in the present…or something. Which is true, but what happens when a part of you feels like you need to make amends to your past before you can embrace what is next? Even more complex, what if making amends really isn’t an option and trying to do so may actually just make things worse?

When Michigan and I started, all I could see was him. The joyously bubbly feelings were overwhelming enough to forget. As the air has settled, I find it hard to think about a future with Michigan without remembering the regrets of my past. They may have been necessary for me to become the person I am and form the path I am on, but what about the casualties? Can I really just ignore them and accept them as building blocks I had no choice but to step on?

Not to mention recently a ghost from Michigan’s past reared its ugly head in the form of a Facebook message. His ex, whom I know very little about and have not pressured much to hear about, contacted me out of the blue to “warn” me about their history. I do not believe most of what she said, but it got me to thinking why we have never really discussed her if it was such a huge part of his life.

Then I remember I haven’t gone into detail about my exploits either and have no desire to whatsoever.

I don’t even know how to handle the dichotomy of wanting to share everything with him, and yet not everything. I would never lie if he asked, but I am not in a hurry to discuss the sordid details.

This is what happens when you avoid serious relationships like the plague and keep romance to the surface, you don’t know how to manage when it goes a little deeper.

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Where one story ends another begins

22 Oct

Dear HB,

It has been a while since I have written to you. I still think of you often, but lately it has been out of nostalgia for good times with old friends than anything else. I do miss you and hope you are well. It sounds like you are based on random facebook updates I find and the occasional mention you receive in conversation with the Wizard.

Tonight I have a reason to write you. I want to tell you some news! I have found someone. Maybe that is not something you want to hear because I am sure part of you still wishes me eternal misery for the hurt I inflicted, but I hope part of you can be happy as well.

I am changed drastically from the girl that broke your heart, and in large part that is because of the love and care you showed me when I truly was underserving of something so generously given. You showed me a door out of the bitter and secluded world I had built for myself, and I am sincerely sorry I could not go through it with you. With that said, I do believe everything happens for a reason.

You made me believe again in unconditional love and gave me the hope that someday I would be worthy of such a thing. My only hope is that out of the pain, you found something as well. I would like to think that our time together gave you the strength to go out into the world and really be vulnerable in a way you hadn’t been in years. That perhaps out of contention came courage to move forward.

That is what I would like to think anyway. The only proof I have of this, however, is your upcoming nuptials with your lovely fiance.

Perhaps that is my wishful thinking, but I still owe you a resounding thank you for the beauty you created in my life. If there is anyway I can ever repay you know that I would be willing and thrilled.  I fervently wish you the best, and even if our paths never cross again you will always be an irreplaceable piece of my history.

Your friend,
PR

Daylight

21 Jan

There are days you just feel bipolar. You know the days I’m talking about. One second you’re smiling and the next you are one sad song away from a complete breakdown. It’s those days I am the most pensive, for better or for worst.

I was walking the malamutes for my last walk of the day, and spaced out into this daydream where I was talking to new work crush about why I was single. Long story short, daydream me said some things real life me rarely says out loud. Being a bipolar day, I’m dwelling.

Sometimes I wonder if in all seriousness I’ll always be single. Most of the time I am positive and chipper, convinced I’m just not willing to settle and one day yada yada. It’s only in the shadowed corner of my heart that the thought clings on and festers. What if I missed it, my chance?

I have only ever had one serious relationship, one boy to call mine (one boy to rule them all, and in the darkness find them…sorry, had to, LOTR geek). It has been just over five years since that relationship ended. Since, I have had my fair share of trysts, but nothing of any merit really. With the exception of HB, of course. Mr. Wrong was, well, wrong, and HB, he was something else. That boy would have given me the world if I could have just taken a moment and gotten over myself.

In all that time I was being self-centered and convincing myself I didn’t need anybody, what if he came in and left again, and I didn’t even notice? I mean it has been five years for God sake. Besides, some people are happy just being there own person, it happens, I could see it. Maybe I’m just going to spend the next decade or so bouncing around from one to the next until I get bored, throw my hands in the air, finally just accept my spinster-hood and get a dog (I still refuse to be the crazy cat lady).

Or maybe I’m just being crazy. However, a fear is a fear no matter how small and sometimes it makes it feel better simply to share. Maybe you are reading this and are totally relating. Maybe it’s something you only allow yourself to admit in a drunken stupor because if you said it out loud in the light of day, you’d want to swallow some pills. That’s ok, I’ve been there, and there’s nothing wrong with thinking positive thoughts instead. Just know you’re not the only one, part of me really thinks all us single people are in the same boat.

In fact, that brings me to that previous post I wrote, you know the one. I really think we need to start a club. We’re single and proud or something less cheesy, A LOT less cheesy. But there would have to be rules. Like no judging the couply people, and no trying to keep someone in it, and no being bitter. Just a thought. Like all the rest of the stuff that comes out of my head.

PS Dear HB,

The Carpenter

16 Apr

I feel like its been a while since I’ve talked about adventures in the world of romance. I think part of my goal in starting to blog again was to channel Carrie from Sex and the City. I in fact want to BE Sarah Jessica Parker, but that is altogether a side note from why I started this post.

A couple posts ago, I debated the relevance of online dating (click here to satiate any curiosity). Post posting I went on a few dates off POF. The first was a dud, the night wasn’t bad, but red flags kept kicking up, and he never called me anyway. Sorry I didn’t want to go back to your place to “play 007.” Can we even recognize that as a “get in my pants” line?

Anyway, I really only went out with that one because the guy I had been talking to simultaneously and who I actually wanted to ask me out hadn’t yet. We had been exchanging messages for like 2 weeks before he even asked for my number. He didn’t want to “jump over any steps” or something. I found this endearing and I was intrigued.

We’ve been on 4 dates since, and although the beginning was entertaining and sweet, I have since begun to lose interest through no fault of the Carpenter’s (ps he’s a carpenter).

I’m sick. I want to have to work for what I want or I quickly loose interest. I like to hear someone tell me “no” because it poses a challenge. In the end, that is what happened with HB. It was too easy, I knew I had won before we even began, and the thrill of the chase was gone. I see myself falling into the same pattern with the Carpenter.

Of course every girl wants a guy to fall at her feet and tell her how amazing she is. Unfortunately, its just not enough. We need a mystery. A feeling of suspense. That’s what creates the excitment to move forward, the yearning to see what’s around the corner. When all the cards are on the table, it takes away the climax.

Our first date was simple, kind of fun, nothing extraordinary. I hinted all day that I had nothing to do that night, but it wasn’t until a couple hours before we actually planned to meet up. I should have taken this as a sign. I broke my first rule: no accepting dates the day of. I just didn’t see the harm in making an acception. We had dinner and watched a movie at my place. He was so innocent, not pushy at all, I again didn’t see the harm. Broken rule number 2: no hanging out at my apaertment for the first 3 dates. We were off to a great start.

He didn’t even kiss me at the end of the night. At the time I saw this as a sign he was respectful and a gentleman.

Date two I wanted him to plan. He didn’t. I suggested we go into Boston, I drove, I navigated, I was in control. I like being in control, its hard for me not to be, but also healthy for me to relinquish. We won’t go into the gritty details, but at the end of the night, I let him come up for a bit, he asked if he could kiss me, and we made out for a bit. Again, nothing extraordinary.

Date 3 I rescheduled 3 times. I’m a busy lady, but I did feel bad so I offered to make dinner. I hadn’t started by the time he got to my place, which was fine. It also lead to me learning an important lesson. He hovers. Every move I made caused a ripple effect. I think it was the first time I was legitimately annoyed with him, and a boundary once broken, is hard to rebuild.

We went walking after, got ice cream, and watched some of the Bruins game. I wanted him to make it up, to prove to me I was beginning to form an unwarranted opinion.

The last date we went on was a couple weekends ago. I explicitely told him to have a plan, that I was letting him take the lead. I thought maybe with the right encouragement…

He had no plan.

I chose dinner and a movie and tried to rein in the bubblying bitchiness that was floating to the surface. I had to keep reminding myself this is a good guy, its not his fault he’s not the right guy for me. When that didn’t work I had to continuously scold myself for not giving him enough of a chance. Really, he hadn’t DONE anything, but treat me like a princess. The only problem with me being a princess is that he was playing the role of jester, and I was growing impatient.

I am now in an internal debate over what to do. I don’t want to give up on him, but it is glaringly obvious to me that the liklihood of me growing to adore his shortcomings is slim.

He’s texted a few times, but I just can’t bring myself to make time for him. I feel like there should be more, but I think I just needed to write this to make sure I thought this through.

Magic….the gathering…and dismantling

7 Mar

I was going to write a post about the card game magic…

Then I decided just to post this video and put a short, vague reasoning under it.

I got into this game for a bit due in large part to Sammie, HB, and Sloth. Before this summer it had never been more than a concept I didn’t understand and only nerds played. I stand by the fact that mostly its nerds that play (myself, being a closet nerd, included), but its not half bad. DON’T EVER VENTURE INTO THEIR WORLD, but playing the game is ok (I’d post a link to my friends one blog post I actually got to read to reinforce that point, but I only have it in am email).

PS this Alex Day kid is not only hilarious and adorable, but talented as well.

Laundry

25 Oct

October 23, 2011

Dear HB,

I was doing laundry tonight at my apartment, and realized the last time I had done it here and not at my parents’ house was with you. It seems an odd thing to bring you to mind, doing laundry, I didn’t even let you help, so I have to ask myself why it made me miss you so much. Laundry. I’m laughing at myself now, but I literally had to stop and take a deep breath. I wanted to call you, and just hear your voice, but its Sunday night and I’m pretty sure you are out of work, and even more sure that if you are, you are with her.

I know I can’t contact you directly, so I got the brilliant idea to write to you, and put it out into the universe, hoping that maybe, just maybe you’ll read this and realize you miss me too. I haven’t written letters I had no intentions of sending since Mr. Wrong and I broke up, so the fact I feel the need to do it again is worrisome. It makes me wonder why I ever needed to give you up. Not to say how I was feeling wasn’t valid, or that I was in love, or  even that the fact you were wasn’t terrifying, but all you were asking for (in theory) was time. Was my time really so precious I couldn’t give you a fraction of it?

Alas, this is where we are. You are with her and I am…dealing. I know the most likely scenario is that I will write you a dozen letters, you’ll never read them, and I will eventually move on, but I need to do it. I need to hope that you’ll stumble upon one of them and miss me enough to call, or that one day you will break up with her and I’ll have some sort of record to show you  I wasn’t lying when I told you I cared. I do miss you, and there’s not a day that goes by I don’t think of you. All I want is for you to be happy, however, and if that is a life without me, then so be it. I’ll come to accept that. For now, don’t judge me too much for almost driving up your street sometimes one my way to work, or for craning my neck to see if you are driving the Ford truck in front of me.

All the Best,

PR

Fences

17 Oct

I am so bad at beginnings.

Weeks ago I got this amazing idea to start a blog! Yeah ok. Where am I at in this venture? A few half done posts and a lot of procrastination. THAT should have been my major, considering what a pro I am.

Why are beginnings so difficult? What holds us back? I’ve thought a lot about that in my 24 years, well really maybe more the last 4 than the rest, but you can do a lot of thinking in 4 years. Is it because endings more often than not are more difficult than we want to face, in which case, it is just easier to simply not start in the first place? Maybe this doesn’t apply directly to a blog, but possibly we get so scared of the big beginnings that the little ones seem just as daunting.

I have also made the observation that beginnings become harder to begin the more time you let go by after an ending. (And here I will make a huge leap to a similar yet not so similar subject, don’t be alarmed) Four years ago there was an ending that exploded all over my then-present and future. Immediately following, my personal life went into a coma I wasn’t sure I would ever come out of. I managed to fulfill daily living functions, but life felt numb. As I am sure you have guessed, all this was due to a romance gone terribly awry. We’ll name him Mr. Wrong. Mr. Wrong was my Mr. Right for two years, two years I believed with all my heart would end with a proposal. Instead it ended with Mr. Irresistable and a hole in my heart the size of Texas.

After I managed to pull myself from the oblivion I call junior year second semester, I was determined to make up for lost time. There were lots of beginnings for the next three months. Tall beginnings, short beginnings, long beginnings, round beginnings, nameless beginnings…but that was all they were, beginnings. Beginnings without any middle or end are empty and simple. You could fill your whole life with them because there is no danger of bleeding out.

Beginnings without risk is what I needed that summer, but eventually, they weren’t enough. Texas was slowly getting smaller and I started to love beginnings that had a little danger to them. And for a long time those are the beginnings I craved. The first few times you really start getting to know a person, no expectations, no preconceived ideas, just the butterflies and rush of blood to the head. That would be all I wanted though, and once the feelings faded and it was time to get real, I’d get going.

Until 4 months ago.

Four months ago I was stubbornly single and grasping my independence with an iron fist. I did what I wanted when I wanted and the idea of commitment made me want to drink myself stupid. This code of honor is what held me back from what potentially could have been the love affair I wished Mr. Wrong could have been. The missing link that brought me from blindly, but determinedly running from any hint of the “c” word (commitment…get your mind out of the gutter), to breaking down the barbwire fence around my heart. Hunny Bunny (“HB” for short) was infatuated with me and wanted nothing more than to lay the world in my lap. He cared for me so intensely, so sincerely, that it was too much for my shrunken view of what I deserved, or even what I wanted.

It is a long story to be saved for another day, but HB is the reason I am searching for a new beginning. One worth the risk and full of adventure. The reason I want to get past the hollow beginnings I have made my trademark and find the middles full of intimacy and comfortability that only come with time and persistence.

Beginnings are necessary, but we can’t be scared of the endings, because what if, one day, there is a story without one?