Tag Archives: healthy

Sexting with My Ex

21 May

In February, my partner of 2 1/2 years and I broke up. However, since we were still under a lease together, the two months that followed were possibly the most draining of our relationship. Living in the grey area was one of the hardest most confusing things I have ever done. I don’t know if it made the separation easier or harder now that all is said and done. I don’t know if I will ever know, but time gives clarity and I am still waiting and hoping for answers.

I have heard that one of the hardest things one can do is letting go of someone they still love. I didn’t know how hard until that February evening when Michigan told me he was no longer happy in Arizona and he was planning to move back home in April. I wanted to hate him, to be angry, but all I felt was blinding pain coursing through my veins. It had been so long since the last time I felt that way, I had almost forgot how entirely debilitating it could be. I am a stronger person now than I was the last time my heart was torn asunder, but no one is strong enough to withstand that kind of assault unaffected.

I know I acted the craziest I had acted since he knew me and I didn’t care. All walls were down and I was not above yelling at him one minute and begging him to stay the next. I drank a lot and cried even more and I made him watch it all. I would say I am sorry, but I am not. He was the man I loved and he was leaving me. He was not above it all, I knew it was tearing him apart to do it too. Love is a funny thing, even when you know it is not enough, it still feels like everything.

I felt like he had never really tried to make my home our home. Like I wasn’t enough to make him happy. Like all the things he had told me were lies that were now set alight. Of course some of those thoughts were overdramatized, but I think some of them had merit as well. He felt isolated and insecure which only amplified other issues we had. Of course it all makes logical sense now, but in the moment nerves were raw, exposed.

Our last few days were a roller coaster. Our last night was a passionate embrace. Our last morning was a waterfall of sorrow.

In the moment, I felt like that was the end of the story. In my heart of hearts I knew the healthy thing was to accept the failure of our hard won relationship and move on. At first I tried. We would text, but I would be vague and distant. I dated other people, tried to open my heart to options yet to be in my imagination.

Then, I let things slip. It was too hard to pretend I could fall out of love that quickly and move on to the next one. Especially knowing his feelings remained intact. We talked about more intimate things; we talked more often. We talked to end the day, and then we talked to feel something again.

LP one day observed that Michigan and I had returned to the state before things became difficult. Before he moved in, before our sex drives were incompatible, before we stopped communicating. I have no choice to agree, but I also know that things are different here at the end than they were at the beginning. We are different, and most importantly we aren’t together. In a way, I got what I had been asking for, freedom. The irony is that I no longer want it. It has been a month since I have seen him. I haven’t slept with anyone else despite the handful of dates I have been on. Maybe for some this is normal, for me this is incredible. This leads me to believe that what I actually wanted wasn’t what I was asking for.

I still keep analyzing all the things I could have done differently, but I wonder if it would have changed anything in the end. Sometimes what we want is impossible, and accepting that feels equally insurmountable. Sometimes fate just has other plans and we have to keep an open mind to see where we end up.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

17 Feb

There are things in our lives that are out of our control and which we cannot change. When we encounter these things, we have three options.

  1. We can live in agony, obsessing over it, and believing we will simply have to remain miserable until the pain dulls.
  2. We can run away from it and mask it with other things that allow us to forget to some degree.
  3. We can accept it and find a way to incorporate it into our reality.

Obviously, not all of these are healthy. More often than not, however, we take the easy paths of misery or forgetfulness because adjusting our terms of how we encounter the world is an arduous process.

We are selfish beings. It is who we are and the sooner we can see that, the easier option number three is. Being selfish and only allowing ourselves to see the world through out specific lens, means that we have a difficult time accepting things that others see in a way we do not. More often than not, the situations that are beyond our control stem from someone else seeing something differently than we do.

In this instance, and the whole reason I am even on this tangent, is because of Toga. At some point I’m sure I will chronicle out whole stupid story, but for now the basic gist is that we are friends, I want more, and he does not.

It has been a long process; one that is still ever changing and adjusting, but maintaining our friendship when we are both on very distinctive pages in this has been, to say the least, complex. At the end of the day, it was and is a situation I have had to accept I cannot change and either walk away from or find a way to incorporate it into my life. There was a time, not too long ago (read “Does this mean I have to be an adult now??”), which I thought it would be easiest to walk away. I was wrong, although I can’t say that I have consistently been confident in that decision since.

It isn’t about consistency though. It is a moment-to-moment battle. It is a decision that has to be made again and again. But sitting here, watching him tinker with his newest car project for the last few hours, I can’t help but think it’s a battle I’ll continue to come out on the same side of. Sometimes a little heartache is good for us, makes us stronger, and it does get easier if they are worth having in your life. The biggest question is whether or not you can live with the choices you make.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Resoluting

2 Jan

Happy New Years!!

As most of the population this time of year often brings about reflections on the previous year…which more often than not in recent years brings about reflections on my entire fucking lifespan. The question “how did I get here?” often resonates with me.

But I’m not here to talk about that tonight. Mostly because I’m doing my best not to think about it.

…awkward silence…QUICK say something funny!!

Poop

Now that we’re past that fork in the road, I want to share my resolutions for the year.

Every year up until last year I always made the same ones. Be less fat. Be more healthy. Talk to God more (WHAT! she’s a Christian!?!), figure out what I’m doing with my life….and so on. Typical bull shit, never going to get done because there is never a real plan attached to them, resolutions. Except that one year after college when I lost 50 pounds. Good year.

Last year I decided not to fall into the trap and instead made “goals” for 2012. Which turns out was just a more creative way of saying resolutions that I actually wrote out a plan for. I would tell you what they were, but by October the pretty paper I had them plotted out on was in the trash. I do remember I was going to drink less, work out more, and find a new job. Guess how much of that I accomplished and then managed to maintain as a lifestyle. Ch-yeah.

This year I am picking one very simple, very concise thing. I want to learn something new everyday. No limitations no guidelines and in fact I’m pretty sure I do that anyway.

Why? Because I can.

“But PR if you already do it then its not really a resolution.” Fuck you, doubter. Here’s the life change. I’m going to document it. No, not here necessarily, we all know how blog everyday for a week went…or rather didn’t. One little notebook, maybe some sharing, just to show some sort of progress. Maybe it will bring inspiration to higher goals, maybe it will be a reminder I’m not stuck in an endless abyss, maybe it will do nothing but be an annoying chore, but I won’t know until I try and that’s the damn point of a resolution right?

As a measure of good faith I am going to share my something new for today. It may be January 2nd and I may have already forgotten my new thing from yesterday, but hey, no one is perfect.