Tag Archives: heart

Where one story ends another begins

22 Oct

Dear HB,

It has been a while since I have written to you. I still think of you often, but lately it has been out of nostalgia for good times with old friends than anything else. I do miss you and hope you are well. It sounds like you are based on random facebook updates I find and the occasional mention you receive in conversation with the Wizard.

Tonight I have a reason to write you. I want to tell you some news! I have found someone. Maybe that is not something you want to hear because I am sure part of you still wishes me eternal misery for the hurt I inflicted, but I hope part of you can be happy as well.

I am changed drastically from the girl that broke your heart, and in large part that is because of the love and care you showed me when I truly was underserving of something so generously given. You showed me a door out of the bitter and secluded world I had built for myself, and I am sincerely sorry I could not go through it with you. With that said, I do believe everything happens for a reason.

You made me believe again in unconditional love and gave me the hope that someday I would be worthy of such a thing. My only hope is that out of the pain, you found something as well. I would like to think that our time together gave you the strength to go out into the world and really be vulnerable in a way you hadn’t been in years. That perhaps out of contention came courage to move forward.

That is what I would like to think anyway. The only proof I have of this, however, is your upcoming nuptials with your lovely fiance.

Perhaps that is my wishful thinking, but I still owe you a resounding thank you for the beauty you created in my life. If there is anyway I can ever repay you know that I would be willing and thrilled.  I fervently wish you the best, and even if our paths never cross again you will always be an irreplaceable piece of my history.

Your friend,
PR

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“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”

25 May

I always fall in love with the ones that break my heart.

This applies to every kind of relationship I have. I undeniably am more likely to care about you if you are someone that will hurt me.

I started thinking about this the other day when LP and I were amidst a huge blow out fight that left us on non com for over a week. I am convinced this phenomenon connects to my god complex. I want to fix people and I always always always believe the best about people until they give me a reason to believe otherwise.

In my friendships I am the one that gives my time, my energy, and my love while rarely receiving it equally back. I am a social worker because my heart doesn’t feel right unless I am working to better someone else’s life. My romantic relationships, or lack thereof, always end with me finding out the man I chose to pursue will never be able to meet me on equal ground.

In my early years I was so damaged and had so little self worth that I was grateful for any attention any other human being sent my way. I soaked in every hint of anything that could be construed as love because I didn’t know any better.

I have grown enormously sine then, but I still seem to attract the same genre of people, even if I have ceased to accept the same abuse I used to. Mixed in with that personal growth I suppose a harder shell developed. I don’t know how to change the recurring pattern, but I know how to make it hurt less. I think most of the time I convince myself that this means that I have changed how I interact with people, but if I look close enough, I know it has not.

How do you change a part of your life that more often than not seems almost entirely out of your control?

Home

26 Mar

What is a home?

If you Google it you get:

Noun
The place where one lives permanently, esp. as a member of a family or household.
Adjective
Of or relating to the place where one lives: “your home address”.
Adverb
To the place where one lives: “what time did he get home last night?”.
Verb
(of an animal) Return by instinct to its territory after leaving it: “geese homing to their summer nesting grounds”.
Synonyms
noun. house – residence – dwelling – abode – habitation
adjective. domestic – native
adverb. homewards – at home – indoors

Wikipedia will give a similar answer, but I am not the only one to contemplate the word’s meaning beyond a physical structure or area.

The saying goes that the home is where the heart is. What if you’re heart lives everywhere. Does that mean you are homeless? or schizophrenic? Then, what becomes of your body which can only remain in any one place at any one time?

Growing up, my family moved around a lot. My mother was never satisfied with the space we physically occupied. Never satisfied with the places that sheltered us. I never had one specific place to call my “home.” Perhaps that is why I wander so much, yet at the same time yearn to be grounded.

It perhaps is also why I struggle with that initial question so much. What is a home?

My home has always been where my family is. No matter where I go I always refer to where they are as my “home” (even if that changes often).

I also continuously end up calling the building where I sleep most often “home” as well. This can get very confusing in conversations I have with others who often find the need to ask “which home?”

To complicate things even further, although I would never verbally refer to either of these places as “home,” Gordon, where I found who I was, and Vermont, where I found who I was not, are both filed under the box in my heart as “home.”

The list could go on from there, but I think you get the point.

There is a line in a Something Corporate song that I love, “I met a girl who kept tattoos for homes that she had loved. If I were her I’d paint my body until all my skin was gone.” The song itself is fantastic, all about taking risks, seeing the world as an adventure and being a part of something bigger, at least that’s what I get out of it.

Its hard to leave the homes you love. Whether home means a place you’ve been your whole life, or the places your heart has found shelter. The more homes you have, the more full you feel, but the harder it is to look back, and sometimes to look forward.

LP and I went to Ikea yesterday. We bought a coffee table and while we were out I bought new sheets for my new bed along with some other random details that now are part of this home we’ve created. For now its complete, whole. She called it OUR home, and I agreed because that’s what it is. We live here together and form it into something that feels like we belong in it. Its a place to ground myself for awhile and I am blessed to share it with someone I love. I know I’ll have to leave it one day, and probably a piece of me will stay, always connected, but the memories will move with me me and I’ll always have this moment in time.

Ride the wave

20 May

I am so disappointed in myself!! I went to Las Vegas two weeks ago now and I have meant since the moment I got back to chronicle my adventures. I WILL SUCCEED IN THIS!!! But, not today.

Today, I wanted to write about my favorite topic to gripe about. Can you guess? I bet you can!

Mother fucking romance.

I have found that in my life possibility comes in waves. I either have no prospects whatsoever OR there are a minimum of three I have to choose between that just pop up out of nowhere all at once.

Of course when I have multiple prospects I consistently choose the wrong one thereby destroying any chance I had with the others and bringing on another dry spell.

I maintain that I ENJOY being single and carefree and am not purposefully seeking out a romantic relationship, but what girl in my position doesn’t like to play with fire when the opportunity presents itself?

I am currently in the midst of an onslaught of candidates and find myself in the same predicament I always do trying to balance all of them at once, hoping one doesn’t try to stake a claim before I am ready to make a decision thereby causing me to break his heart and tell him I’m just not ready for a commitment.

I can already see myself leaning towards the most unattainable option, and trying to pull myself back from the ledge.

Maybe I should make a list of pros and cons for each and decide in a logical fashion. BAHAHAHAHA…I think I just made myself pee a little.

I’m too irrational for that. I think my heart…or my vagina…has too much control over the outcome. Which probably means I’m screwed.

Window: currently I am facebook stalking the newest prospect while texting with the first about a drunken conversation we had about feelings last night all amidst planning date number two with number two.

Oh life…

PS  In case you were wondering, the Carpenter is not one two or three