Tag Archives: human

The Inevitability of Existence

5 Jun

We all spend at least some time imagining how we are going to die. It’s a side effect of being human. We know it will inevitably occur, so we can’t help but be curious.

How?

When?

Why?

I used to say I wanted to die quietly in my sleep. Painless. Simple.

More recently, I got it in my head I wanted my death to be quick, but really cool. I wanted people to tell my story and be excited about it. I wanted people to think of my memory with a smile.

As of late, I’ve begun to wonder if I couldn’t die just knowing my existence simply did no harm. I doubt it…but one can hope. I am pretty selfish when all is said and done. I’m sure I’ve already left a scar the sizeof the Grand Canyon in my wake, but still, it’s something to aspire to.

In case you’re wondering, I just finished reading John Green’s “The Fault in our Stars.” Usually I abhor books about death and the Big”C,” books that by nature leave a hole in my heart. I like to read novels with warmth and a happy ending. I read to escape more often than not, not to embrace the harsh realities of a cold world. However, every once in a while, one comes along which I am thankful to have taken in because it leaves something else with me in place of the hole.

I had this really great thought earlier while I was reading and I wish I had written it down, but I wonder what kind of person I would be if I knew I was dying sooner rather than later. Would I be the optimistic, grateful-for-every-small-experience person? Or will I be bitter, resentful, and snappy? Maybe somewhere in the middle. I am pretty upbeat about just about everything, but I am also a realist, weak and tawdry. I do know for  fact that I would have a zero tolerance policy for sappy well wishers, pretending to make it about me but really making it about them.

One practical resolution I have gleaned, however, is not to feel bad about spending, for example, $600 on a plane ticket in a few weeks. I may not have cancer, but I do have a limited amount of sunrises. I would rather be a little irresponsible and spend my time and effort celebrating life with the people I care about, having experiences that make my life feel full, that not see tomorrow and regretting missed opportunities.

The point is that we do not now when our last good day will be so we owe it to the universe to participate and to give back what we have been gifted.

“‘Sometimes it seems the universe wants to be noticed.’ That’s what I believe. I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it – or my observation of it – is temporary?”

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NO!

9 Mar

Telling yourself no is probably one of the hardest things ever required of you in life. Food. Men. Alcohol. Drugs. Etc. All those things you just want and make you feel so good in the moment that just don’t have any benefits past the right now.

This is something I am constantly struggling with. I find this surprising because in general I am a pretty responsible person. Just sometimes, I forget that the goals I have are bigger than what is right in front of me. I like to feel good. I’m human. I am sure most of you can relate.

We are built to satisfy needs, its just who we are. When there is alcohol staring you in the face you think, “hey, tonight would be really fun to get kind of fucked up,” or, “I had a really hard day, it’d be nice to forget that for a little while,” and you get drunk. Who cares if you are purposefully killing brain cells or affecting the functioning of your liver. Its good RIGHT NOW.

Possibly a bigger weakness in my world is men. So many bad decisions are made when a cute, or lets be honest, kind of cute guy is there and willing to satisfy that carnal desire (ore often than not when alcohol is involved and everything seems like a good idea). Bad decisions galore.

Keeping end goals in mind is tough, end of story. Being healthy when you’re fifty. Having a steady boyfriend and not a world full of people that question your morals. Long term happiness is hard to really think about in the moment to moment decisions. BUT SO IMPORTANT!

Its a struggle, but everything worth while pretty much is. Accept this and I’m pretty sure life will reward you.

I’ll let you know when I figure out a master plan on exactly how this is accomplished.

In the mean time, well love yourself anyway and figure it out as you go.

Ok this got cheesy, off to finish that glass of wine 😉

Only Human

20 Nov

I started this adventure with all of you with the resolve to not share my musings with anyone I actually know. I wanted to be honest. Honest without restraint or care for what other people thought. My mind is a sordid place and sometimes I feel that not everyone in my life would understand it. I can be a bitch. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I play games and those games don’t always end well for the other people involved. I don’t make apologies for the things I have done, but that doesn’t mean I want certain people to know about them.

I broke this promise to myself months ago when I accidentally allowed the Sloth to see the URL one drunken night. I think I was so carefree with this because I knew he was the one person that would not judge me for one single word I wrote. I actually in the end was thankful someone else’s eyes were on it that knows me. We have discussed a post or two here or there and I always appreciate an outsider’s perspective on my universe.

Recently, I made the executive decision to allow someone else I hold dear access to this world that is purely my creation. LP is someone I hold dear to my heart and also is someone who regards me as I am and loves me none the less. I would trust her with my life, but trusting her with this was a decision that was difficult.

The question I pose now is why?

I pride myself on being honest and open with almost everyone. I don’t shy away from confrontation or compromise who I am for what someone else wants me to be. But there is a difference between living a life of openness with the world around you when asked to proffer information, and openly offering every piece of information to the world around you.

It’s natural to shade pieces of yourself and what you know to be true. It feels too exposed, makes you too vulnerable not to hold certain things close to yourself. We need certain things to be only for us to satisfy our human nature. Fight or flight in a way. We were born with it and its there to protect us.

In starting this, I wanted it to be an exploration of being entirely vulnerable. Open to criticism. So why does it feel harder when people know who are actually in the story? I think the answer is obvious. The faceless and nameless is easier than dealing with any repercussions to be had from revelations that may not have been openly available in the moment.

Yet, I claim that I am open and honest, so really it shouldn’t matter.

There inlies the irony my friends, as well as the lesson. None of us are free of secrets. Its natural and not anything to be ashamed of in the least. We are only human after all.