Tag Archives: hurt

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”

25 May

I always fall in love with the ones that break my heart.

This applies to every kind of relationship I have. I undeniably am more likely to care about you if you are someone that will hurt me.

I started thinking about this the other day when LP and I were amidst a huge blow out fight that left us on non com for over a week. I am convinced this phenomenon connects to my god complex. I want to fix people and I always always always believe the best about people until they give me a reason to believe otherwise.

In my friendships I am the one that gives my time, my energy, and my love while rarely receiving it equally back. I am a social worker because my heart doesn’t feel right unless I am working to better someone else’s life. My romantic relationships, or lack thereof, always end with me finding out the man I chose to pursue will never be able to meet me on equal ground.

In my early years I was so damaged and had so little self worth that I was grateful for any attention any other human being sent my way. I soaked in every hint of anything that could be construed as love because I didn’t know any better.

I have grown enormously sine then, but I still seem to attract the same genre of people, even if I have ceased to accept the same abuse I used to. Mixed in with that personal growth I suppose a harder shell developed. I don’t know how to change the recurring pattern, but I know how to make it hurt less. I think most of the time I convince myself that this means that I have changed how I interact with people, but if I look close enough, I know it has not.

How do you change a part of your life that more often than not seems almost entirely out of your control?