Tag Archives: invincible

Choices

24 Aug

Life is about choices. Where we go, how others perceive us, the paths we traverse, are all determined by the big choices, the small choices, and all the ones in between. Bad people make positive choices, good people make poor choices. Nothing is predetermined or predictable.

Three years ago I felt like my life was ending when I got a DUI. Time stopped and when the whole ordeal was over, I promised myself I would never find myself in that position again. Apparently promises we make to ourselves are worthless.

You almost never get caught the first time you slip up. The last few months have been scattered with time I should have known better. I got too comfortable, let my confidence convince me I was invincible again. I really should not have been surprised when I saw those blue lights flaring behind me again.

I made a choice, and again I am walking a path I could not imagine I would see. I felt above it all and can only theorize where I learned this carefree attitude from. My privileged upbringing, getting away with to many things up to this point, being American, take your pick. What I do know is that this is yet another turning point, an important one. I can either change, accepting my flaws and working hard to reverse them, or continue ruining things one after another.

Acceptance is the first step I hear. Accepting I am flawed, accepting I have a problem with self control, accepting my life is going to be very different in the coming months. This has been easier than I would have thought. I have not been feeling content with myself for a while. On the outside I have been for the most part put together and moving forward. My career, my apartment, my social life, all would look to be in working order. In general I am a positive person, confident and strong. However, in those quiet moments alone, shame, guilt, and dissatisfaction haunt my consciousness.

I am in this place now because I ignored the warning signs and dismissed the voice whispering in the back of my thoughts. I chose to keep pushing through the mud instead of finding a higher ground.

I am ready now to face the new dawn. It may have taken a giant screaming shove, but I am doing what I do best…planning. There is no going back, there is only accepting the present and preparing for the foreseeable future. It is terrifying, but I feel more capable than I did the first time. I am focused and know where I can draw support from. Family, friends, myself, but most importantly my faith.

This is my life at 26. Reliving mistakes and realizing I will never be done learning. I can’t afford to live in my comfort zone and ignore my own choices, vowing to do better next time but not actually changing anything. There is no next time, there is only now and every moment counts.

Growing into Adulthood

17 Jul

We all wait for it. That blessed day when legally we can call ourselves adults and shed the yolk of having to listen to anyone about anything. We expect to immediately be considered equals to the rest of society and be able to command those who still reside below our status. We know that there are things that we are still deprived of, but often take liberties with them regardless. We are invincible.

It is not until a few years later, after a taste of the real world, possibly having to move back in with our parents (if we ever managed to move out) and overwhelmed by the new oppression of having to pay our own bills, do we begin to realize how very wrong we were.

I’ve gotten to a juncture in my life I know I’m not as wise as I once believed, but probably continue to believe myself wiser than I actually am.

There is one point I never completely figured out and continue, to this day, even in my mid-20s, to go back and forth over.

Let me utilize an anecdote to explain. This week I have been subbing in the school on the campus I work at. I am a behavioral health staff and generally work in the dorms, so returning to the educational environment has been interesting in its own right. I was leaving the building today after my last class and saying good bye to my supervisor as well as the school’s principal. My supervisor is only slightly older than myself and at this point I am comfortable using her first name while maintaining a respectful tone and vocabulary. I feel this is normal. Then I turned to the principal and her first name escaped my mouth (as I’m sure she would expect) and this overwhelming feeling of wrongness took immediate effect. Its been hours and clearly I am still considering the event since I’m here, feeling the need to expand and process.

Initially I wanted to blame it on the fact she is the principal and I was raised to use the utmost respect to those with authority. However, I realized that to some degree throughout the day, it had happened with other teachers I was working with. Changing classes, in the lunchroom, discussing the next period, etc. This could still be contributed to merely the school setting and perhaps I have some complex leftover from high school which I never resolved. Unfortunately, upon even further reflection, I must admit it happens often. Anyone outside of say a decade of my age, I automatically want to address as Ms./Mrs/Mr. so-and-so.

Perhaps with each passing generation this is less and less of an issue. Perhaps it isn’t even an issue with my generation and it is just leftover psychological static from my own personal life. Perhaps, but I think to some degree it is not just me.

I truly believe the root of it is that I have not fully grown into my adulthood yet. I still feel like a child playing dress up more often than I would like to admit. I feel as if I have been presented with a series of responsibilities and accepted them to make others happy without full commitment to my ability to assume them. I still feel a mixture of pride and surprise every time I manage to handle with grace something that is so completely “adult.”

Part of me never wants to encounter the day that this doesn’t happen. I like the idea I have managed to maintain some level of innocence from my childhood. I like that not all of me had embraced what society has defined as adultness because that means that I still have some growing up to do. And THAT means that I am not stuck this way, I can change, I must change, and I will change. I accept that with that change may come a breaking down of some of the things I enjoy about myself sometimes, but hopefully more of that change will be a reduction of the things I don’t, replacing them with more of the positive and uplifting.

It is an awkward feeling to know others see you as their equal (for the most part) but still feel that you aren’t quite deserving of that regard yet. Awkward, but encouraging. It gives you something to work towards, to strive for. It is a source of pride for the good things you have done and continue to do while creating a subconscious goal you want more than anything to achieve. Goals are what keep us going, keep us working, keep us accountable. They are one of the most important pieces to this crazy, convoluted puzzle.