Tag Archives: LP

Sexting with My Ex

21 May

In February, my partner of 2 1/2 years and I broke up. However, since we were still under a lease together, the two months that followed were possibly the most draining of our relationship. Living in the grey area was one of the hardest most confusing things I have ever done. I don’t know if it made the separation easier or harder now that all is said and done. I don’t know if I will ever know, but time gives clarity and I am still waiting and hoping for answers.

I have heard that one of the hardest things one can do is letting go of someone they still love. I didn’t know how hard until that February evening when Michigan told me he was no longer happy in Arizona and he was planning to move back home in April. I wanted to hate him, to be angry, but all I felt was blinding pain coursing through my veins. It had been so long since the last time I felt that way, I had almost forgot how entirely debilitating it could be. I am a stronger person now than I was the last time my heart was torn asunder, but no one is strong enough to withstand that kind of assault unaffected.

I know I acted the craziest I had acted since he knew me and I didn’t care. All walls were down and I was not above yelling at him one minute and begging him to stay the next. I drank a lot and cried even more and I made him watch it all. I would say I am sorry, but I am not. He was the man I loved and he was leaving me. He was not above it all, I knew it was tearing him apart to do it too. Love is a funny thing, even when you know it is not enough, it still feels like everything.

I felt like he had never really tried to make my home our home. Like I wasn’t enough to make him happy. Like all the things he had told me were lies that were now set alight. Of course some of those thoughts were overdramatized, but I think some of them had merit as well. He felt isolated and insecure which only amplified other issues we had. Of course it all makes logical sense now, but in the moment nerves were raw, exposed.

Our last few days were a roller coaster. Our last night was a passionate embrace. Our last morning was a waterfall of sorrow.

In the moment, I felt like that was the end of the story. In my heart of hearts I knew the healthy thing was to accept the failure of our hard won relationship and move on. At first I tried. We would text, but I would be vague and distant. I dated other people, tried to open my heart to options yet to be in my imagination.

Then, I let things slip. It was too hard to pretend I could fall out of love that quickly and move on to the next one. Especially knowing his feelings remained intact. We talked about more intimate things; we talked more often. We talked to end the day, and then we talked to feel something again.

LP one day observed that Michigan and I had returned to the state before things became difficult. Before he moved in, before our sex drives were incompatible, before we stopped communicating. I have no choice to agree, but I also know that things are different here at the end than they were at the beginning. We are different, and most importantly we aren’t together. In a way, I got what I had been asking for, freedom. The irony is that I no longer want it. It has been a month since I have seen him. I haven’t slept with anyone else despite the handful of dates I have been on. Maybe for some this is normal, for me this is incredible. This leads me to believe that what I actually wanted wasn’t what I was asking for.

I still keep analyzing all the things I could have done differently, but I wonder if it would have changed anything in the end. Sometimes what we want is impossible, and accepting that feels equally insurmountable. Sometimes fate just has other plans and we have to keep an open mind to see where we end up.

Strange Addictions

19 Jan

Starting last week LP and I decided we were going to do our own roomy challenge to get our health goals going and find motivation in each other. I have done health challenges before and they have definitely helped as it would seem I thrive on competition. This time around, we customized our own instead of finding some squat/plank/arm/etc. challenge off the interwebs or completing a DVD series meant to kick your butt. I have done both and although entertaining and masochistically enjoyable, this time we were both looking for something a little different.

The basics areas follows: we each picked a few goals, made sticker charts, and are competing to see who can have the most days completed. I am aiming to get more active so I am earning stickers based on active days. Anything from yoga, a little jog, or even just completing my FitBit step goal on particularly busy days earns me a sticker, I just want to get my butt off the couch and moving around in the world. I added a bonus element to my goals by giving up Netflix and Hulu, really tv in general, unless it is a social activity, for the four weeks we are doing the challenge or until I have earned 25 stickers.

10407619_807578389955_4969353443855347155_n

It is nice seeing the chart start filling up and the first week went swimmingly (as first weeks often do). There were a few little things we both promised to do together as well. Surprisingly the things I thought would be difficult are not, and the things I thought would be easy aren’t that easy.

First, we both gave up edible weaknesses. Mine as of late has been the pounds of chocolate laying around the house since before Christmas. I gorged myself on the remnants and it has been incredibly simply to avoid temptation since. That will probably change, but for now I am glad to be standing firm.

The second thing we omitted was alcohol. This one has posed more of a difficulty, but I expected it to. It is not a healthy coping skill, but one none the less and especially on hard days I like to end the day with a glass in my hand.

The final item we gave up was the scale. Personally my goal was not to change the number this machine showed me every morning necessarily, but change the way I behaved, what I focused on. This relinquishment, however, has been astonishingly difficult to live without.

Which got me to thinking about addiction and self image. Every morning I run through the same routine. I wake up. I relieve my bladder. I wash my hands. I step on the scale. Often what it tells me is a gauge to how my day will proceed. If it has barely altered then more or less I move on and forget. If it has decreased I am elated and the first thing I put on is a smile. If the number went up by a significant amount on the other hand, I get discouraged and angry. I think back to what I ingested the last couple days and beat up my psyche for being so weak and lazy. You would think I would stop doing it, or at least limit my usage, but no, every morning I feel off if I don’t check in with the little white box.

It is not a thing I would have considered an addiction until this challenge. Until forcing myself to stop looking. It is seriously the only thing I have considered altering the terms around. I negotiate with myself that maybe just once a week is ok, or a least at the halfway mark. It is ridiculous! I am eating well, I am exercising, and feel good, and yet it feels incomplete without knowing what the scale is going to tell me. I am infuriated with myself. Out of all the things I have considered being negative habits in my life, I would have never listed this among them, and I wonder how it could have escaped my notice.

I could go into a rant here about societal lessons that are ingrained into us, but I won’t. I am sure you have heard it all before.

I just wonder what else is there under the surface I have been hiding from myself. What have you been hiding in your own subconscious?

Year End Reflections

28 Dec

Reflections #Pinterest

 10 Highlights…

  1. Going to San Diego in August.

Not only was this my first time in California, putting my toes in the Pacific waters, but it was also a long needed roomie/bestie trip with LP. We had a total blast for four days and enjoyed some sun, sand, and shenanigans.

  1. Mom and Dad coming to visit in April.

So many things happened during the two weeks they were here. I failed at hosting my first holiday (see below), they met Michigan for the first time (only the second time they have met a significant other), and we went on a four day road trip to see Sedona, The Grand Canyon, and Vegas (their first, and probably last, time).

  1. Speaking of Michigan (the man), he was a huge part of my year as well.

All of his visits were definitely highlights and something that made this year bearable at times. From him coming in March when we went to a Cubs game and the Renaissance Fair, to spending out first holiday together over Thanksgiving, every one was special and left me wanting more. We also celebrated ONE WHOLE YEAR together in October, which still blows my mind.

  1. My visit to Michigan (the state) in January also falls under the highlights category.

Not only did I get to Michigan(theman)’s home and meet his family, but I got to check off a whole new state from places to see before I die.

  1. Rogers and The Viking’s Wedding.

This June occasion was momentous for a few reasons. First, two of my dear friends tied the knot and even asked me to be a part of their beautiful day. Second, I got to go on a mini road trip with Michigan including a ferry ride across Lake Michigan (this Michigan thing is getting very confusing, note to self, consider new nic name…other note to self, no nic names after places anymore). Third, I checked off two more states with a visit to Madison, Wisconsin for the wedding and Chicago, Illinois on the way home. Fourth, Chicago!

  1. Anytime I get to go to Vegas is always on my list.

This year I had the pleasure of going twice! The first time was in March when TOGA and gang went for a week. I drove up for a night and although not as amazing as I had hoped, still mention-worthy. The second was for my 27th birthday. I got to share a long weekend with friends and have a roller coaster of a time with all the ups and downs you have to expect when Vegas is part of the equation.

  1. I am grouping together two outings for number seven because the bonding element they have was that I was able to share them with The Viking and Rogers:

*Monument Tour in August (Seeing Paramore is always epic and seeing Fall Out Boy along with them….there are no words!)

*Arizona Cardinals v. Detroit Lions in November (Football, friends, stadium full of screaming fans….what is here no to love)

  1. I am devoting number 8 to two anniversaries that fell in the last year.

The first was one year in Arizona in March and the second was one year at The New Foundation in May. This has been the most intense adventure of my life so far, but every step has been worth it. Mistakes included, I have become a better person, and even though my job is not he best, it is a stepping stone to higher goals (one which I very soon hope to step off of).

  1. The Biggest Loser competition I orchestrated at work in June/July (and almost won).

A lot more commitment running the show than I thought, but definitely a fun time for my crazy organized side. It was a close race and I am proud to say I worked hard to push myself to be better.

  1. Last but not least, although it may seem minor, I got contacts again for the first time since high school which has allowed me to have much more comfort while riding my bike to work and going to yoga.

**I would like to make honorable mention of two other events, which did not quite make the top ten, but none-the-less are worth mentioning.

Saint Patrick’s Day – An eventful day after which I could not look at Thai Curry the same way again.

Home for Christmas – The only reason I am suspecting this did not bump one of the other contenders above is because as I am writing this list, it has not yet happened.

10 Disappointments…

(In no particular order)

  1. My second DUI.

Between the horrific jail experience, the financial insecurity, the hassle of having an interlock in my car, and the enormous time commitment this has required, it trumps any other failure I have had this year.

  1. Not getting the job as AYSF.

Liz recommended me, I felt more than qualified, but due to my license issue, it was not meant to be.

  1. Missing Riot Fest in Denver with Anarchy.

Such an amazing opportunity wasted again because of the DUI fallout (seeing a pattern yet?). Then to see pictures and hear stories when Anarchy got back, ugh!

  1. Not seeing the Patriots when they came to play the Chargers in San Diego.

No money, no ticket, and LP is in the habit of ditching me anyway.

  1. The fallout with TOGA.

He got into a relationship, I don’t understand, we haven’t talked since. I realize his is probably an unhealthy reaction on my part, but I am not ready to come to terms with it yet.

  1. Decline in relationship with LP.

Although I expect tensions to ease when we are no longer roommates, there are definite differences to our friendship, which are not all entirely fixable.

  1. Being unable to fly back East for an entire year.

And in the process missing out on some pretty big life events friends have been experiencing. Feeling homesick is not a fun feeling.

  1. Misusing a lot of my time.

Whether it was due to laziness, depression, exhaustion, etc. I was not the best at making use of my time wisely.

  1. Easter Dinner.

I wanted Easter to be this impressive affair where I cooked for my family and my boyfriend and everyone was impressed with my hosting skills. I left myself no time and we went out to dinner instead.

  1. Continuing to be church-less.

It is a need I have been feeling I need to fill again, but between work and social anxiety, it hasn’t happened yet.

3 Game Changers…

  1. DUI

I am sure you can see the pattern above. It had affected every aspect of my life.

  1. Switching to IOP

It has been a fun and skill-building experience, bringing me closer to a co-worker and providing me with a little more freedom at work.

  1. Building a relationship with Rogers and the Viking.

They have been supportive and fun, really adding my connection to Arizona and my life here. I really believe that if there was no other reason to have moved here, they would have been more than enough to make it worth while. I will be sad when they moved back to Minnesota.

3 Things I focused on…

  1. Michigan

He is dear to my heart and I have spent a lot of time cultivating a strong, healthy relationship.

  1. Work

Not always my favorite place to be, but useful in developing skills and getting out of debt.

  1. Yoga

Being healthy is an up and down battle for me, but yoga has given me a hobby that pushes me to want to make goals and actually reach them. It fuses the body control aspect I once found so addicting in dance and the strength-building benefits I have been trying to accomplish, plus a side of meditation. Mind, body, and soul working together.

3 Things I forgot…

  1. Applying for Grad School

As I am writing this, there is still time to squeak that in under the wire, but I have my doubts. There is always next year (she said once again).

  1. Figuring out a better solution for my student loan problem.

For years now I have been battling with Salliemae just to get them to give me some small relief from the debt I have collected. After hearing about a couple different programs I may be eligible for, I have still done little more than minor research around them.

  1. Therapy.

Several times this year I felt I had hi a wall. Being in mental health I am a huge advocate for reaching out for support from professionals when life becomes too overwhelming. I still struggle to take my own advice.

Reflection…

I can’t say this year has been easy, nor can I say I have always been happy, but that is life. This year was more difficult than others, but out of adversity comes strength. I regret things that have happened, they will continue to affect me for years to come. However, that is not what I want to focus on as the year closes out. I want to focus on the relationships that have been built on love and acceptance. The changes that have lead my family and I to come to new understandings of one another. Big goals for the future and new roads I have been lead down. Life will never be easy, and I am thankful to have things to look back on that brought light even to he darkest of places. Here is to a year full of challenges and overcoming them.

Halloweenie DIY

30 Oct

I would like to take a break from our regularly scheduled programming to do a quick Halloween costume look book (is that what you call it or only in the vlogging world? Whatever, I do what I want!)

This year after much deliberation I decided I would be a T-Rex because how adorable is that. Besides I was short on cash and over the slutty-“insert noun here” costume craze.

Step One: Make a head

Mask Mold Papermache ready

I got the idea from Pinterest, my recent obsession and go to DIY inspiration. First I made a mold out of cardboard then paper-mached (yeah that thing we used to do in kindergarten) over the mold to make something resembling a dino-head. Then forgot to take a picture before I painted it.

First paint layer Second pain layer

After construction, I painted it in a lighter green then sponge-brushed over it a darker green. Next came the eye which I used paint pens to create.

Brit and her Dino

To complete the process, I made an attempt at contouring with a brown color. I don’t now if the contouring was successful, but I definitely love the final product.

Step Two: Make Dino Shirt

Shirt Front Shirt Back

Keeping it simple, I purchased a dark green t-shirt and whipped out my scissors. Again, consulting Pinterest, I found a design I liked and looked “dino-y” then cut away (while watching Wayne’s World might I add). I think the back ended up looking a bit like a spine which was not planned but totes awesome.

On the front I just got a little silly and painted on the lettering with acrylic paint and a stencil I made myself.

Step Three: Photo-shoot with your bestie

Roar Owls make yummy snacks Being silly

If you can’t tell, LP decided to go as Britney Spears this year circa “Baby One More Time.”

Step Four: Party Time!

Party time

Two of my lovelies had a party last weekend so I was able to test drive this baby a week before the big day. I would say it was a smashing hit. Except I never did get around to making a tail…and I should probably still add teeth. YAY last minute!!

Chapter Something

5 Jun

The door opens and as LP enters, I can’t help but stare menacingly at her and take another sip, realizing that the drink in my hand, my third, is probably stronger than I intended.

“Hey, whatcha doing?”

“Michigan proposed today.”

LP stares at me astonished.

“I don’t know what is wrong with me. All I could do was stare and immediately felt like all I wanted to do was drink, curl up in a ball and listen to extremely loud indie music. Something is wrong with me. I mean shouldn’t I be overjoyed and telling all my friends? I just wanted to be happy, say yes and live my life with the guy I know I should be with. Then my brain kicked in and Mr. Wrong and HB flew in and took away my ability to speak. How do I explain that to Michigan, better yet how do I just get over myself and be less….stupid?”

This is a reoccurring fantasy I keep having. I am at the stage I have begun to wonder what I would do if Michigan proposed. I know I am no ready and in reality we aren’t there yet, but what will it take for me to be ready when we are there?

I heard a quote the other day that when we are living in the past we can’t live in the present…or something. Which is true, but what happens when a part of you feels like you need to make amends to your past before you can embrace what is next? Even more complex, what if making amends really isn’t an option and trying to do so may actually just make things worse?

When Michigan and I started, all I could see was him. The joyously bubbly feelings were overwhelming enough to forget. As the air has settled, I find it hard to think about a future with Michigan without remembering the regrets of my past. They may have been necessary for me to become the person I am and form the path I am on, but what about the casualties? Can I really just ignore them and accept them as building blocks I had no choice but to step on?

Not to mention recently a ghost from Michigan’s past reared its ugly head in the form of a Facebook message. His ex, whom I know very little about and have not pressured much to hear about, contacted me out of the blue to “warn” me about their history. I do not believe most of what she said, but it got me to thinking why we have never really discussed her if it was such a huge part of his life.

Then I remember I haven’t gone into detail about my exploits either and have no desire to whatsoever.

I don’t even know how to handle the dichotomy of wanting to share everything with him, and yet not everything. I would never lie if he asked, but I am not in a hurry to discuss the sordid details.

This is what happens when you avoid serious relationships like the plague and keep romance to the surface, you don’t know how to manage when it goes a little deeper.

The Wisdom of Youth

17 Mar

Every time he leaves it is a hard battle that I fight and for a few days I really hate the person I become. Moody, insensitive, noncomunicative…it’s like I am PMSing in overdrive.

I was at work a couple days after the last time he flew off into the night sky and trying to refocus my life by pouring the meager amount of energy I had into my kids. I was talking with two of the girls that tend to battle a lot with depression and one of them was telling me how she had been having a really good week because her friend was in town. This friend was slightly more than just a friend as they had been seeing each other before he had had to move away. Regardless of any residual feelings or lingering hopes, this boy had come into her life and reminded her what it was like to be happy at a time she was finding it hard to get out of bed each day. He was going to be leaving soon, however, and the realization had dawned on her that she liked being happy, she liked feeling excited about the day, and she liked not constantly being at war with herself. Her concern which we were discussing was that she wasn’t being happy for herself, her happiness was centered around the existence of another person, so the questioned that remained was,  “how do I find my happiness for myself?”

I tell this anecdote because it caused a revelation in myself as often conversations do with my teens. I learned this lesson once…and then again…and I’m sure more times after that. In my teenage years I was immobilized by my fears and sadness, but my 20’s brought the age of self-sufficiency in which I was confident and able to find happiness within myself and for myself. Somewhere along the way, however, perhaps I became to comfortable with the idea that I would always be able to separate myself from becoming co-dependent or stuck in a hole in which the only sunshine was another person.

I am by no means at that point, but in talking with this 15 year old girl, I realized I had been slipping and perhaps it was time to find some time to focus on my inner me…find my sunshine.

As fate would have it, that night the conversation continued, in a way, into an evening walk with LP. She knows me and knows my needs and as I was discussing my recent frustrations about the situation I have found myself in, she had some interesting insight. I had told Michigan the night before what I had been feeling about myself since his departure. He offered to give me space if I needed it and my response was, “I don’t know what I need, but I know it is not that.” Immediately I questioned that logic, and LP was the one to give a voice to why.

Michigan and I had just spent four glorious days together…non-stop, together all the time, for four days. Typically this would drive me insane (and to be honest it had started to by the end) because I am the girl that needs my me-time. I thrive on it. Him leaving should have signaled the beginning of that much needed space, but because the immediate physical distance became so great, I was still feeling the need for some sort of connection. I couldn’t make plans for next weekend then go on radio silence for two days because that is not an option for us. What I want is to sit in silence and be held, what I get is talking or nothing. See the pickle?

I still have yet to figure out the solution, but everything heals itself in time. Time will bring him closer or will end us. My hope is that time will bring clarity and understanding. There is a lesson I need to learn in this, and with luck I will learn it and everything will once again make sense. Right now I just have to find a way to be comfortable with the unknown.

Updates and Unicorns (spoiler, there are no unicorns)

13 Nov

I promised this weeks ago. It’s surprisingly hard to just sit down and talk about life.

Short version, since that’s really all I have time for, but I told myself I HAD to do this today:

Work is…all of the things. I love the kids, I love how easy most days are, I love the ever-changing days, but it’s burning me out. We have discovered I am a workaholic sometimes. I have worked over 80 hours in the last two weeks and although on the whole that is above the norm, it’s not that far above. The thing about this type of position is that not many people last long with the same agency. You always have your handful of vets, then the handful of 1-2 year-ers, the rest of the holes are filled by people who stay 5-8 months and peace out.

I’ve never held a job less than a year, but I just accepted an interview for this week somewhere else and I am ok with this. It was a step back professionally taking the job here and despite the raise I just got and the kids that I love, I need to at least get the momentum back.

In the health department, I finally found a diet I can stick to and have almost lost ten pounds! This excites me and hopefully is a good motivator to find a workout routine I can keep with consistently as well. I want my definition back! Heck maybe I’ll even hop back on the running kick and work back up to that 5K I never did.

The key is to never give up. No matter how far off the trail you wander, you can always find your way back and finish climbing that mountain. Use your resources!!

LP and I continue to have our ups and downs but I think we have finally found neutral ground. I’ve let go of some of the bitterness that was getting in the way and she is making more of an effort to communicate. It helps that we are doing the diet together even though she is so skinny…that bitch.

The biggest thing that has happened in recent months is that for the first time in 5 years and 9 months I find myself in a serious relationship.

WHOA! Let’s take a second and process that for two seconds.

Now its no fairy tale and its long distance (Michigan long distance), but it is a big deal. I drop the “L” word on a daily basis and fall asleep talking to him every night. I’ll write out the whole story at some point, but despite its imperfections and mountains that sometimes seem insurmountable, he is the first guy in a long time that makes me think maybe I won’t end up alone after all. Do people really get this many chances? Or were all the other ones just the lessons I needed to learn to get here? Is this one going to turn into a lesson?

Stopping THAT crazy train right there.

That’s about it and about all the time I have to devote to this at the moment. I would like to end with something witty, or inspirational, but my brain is a little fried so we’ll have to stick to something simple.

Poop!