Sexting with My Ex

In February, my partner of 2 1/2 years and I broke up. However, since we were still under a lease together, the two months that followed were possibly the most draining of our relationship. Living in the grey area was one of the hardest most confusing things I have ever done. I don’t know if it made the separation easier or harder now that all is said and done. I don’t know if I will ever know, but time gives clarity and I am still waiting and hoping for answers.

I have heard that one of the hardest things one can do is letting go of someone they still love. I didn’t know how hard until that February evening when Michigan told me he was no longer happy in Arizona and he was planning to move back home in April. I wanted to hate him, to be angry, but all I felt was blinding pain coursing through my veins. It had been so long since the last time I felt that way, I had almost forgot how entirely debilitating it could be. I am a stronger person now than I was the last time my heart was torn asunder, but no one is strong enough to withstand that kind of assault unaffected.

I know I acted the craziest I had acted since he knew me and I didn’t care. All walls were down and I was not above yelling at him one minute and begging him to stay the next. I drank a lot and cried even more and I made him watch it all. I would say I am sorry, but I am not. He was the man I loved and he was leaving me. He was not above it all, I knew it was tearing him apart to do it too. Love is a funny thing, even when you know it is not enough, it still feels like everything.

I felt like he had never really tried to make my home our home. Like I wasn’t enough to make him happy. Like all the things he had told me were lies that were now set alight. Of course some of those thoughts were overdramatized, but I think some of them had merit as well. He felt isolated and insecure which only amplified other issues we had. Of course it all makes logical sense now, but in the moment nerves were raw, exposed.

Our last few days were a roller coaster. Our last night was a passionate embrace. Our last morning was a waterfall of sorrow.

In the moment, I felt like that was the end of the story. In my heart of hearts I knew the healthy thing was to accept the failure of our hard won relationship and move on. At first I tried. We would text, but I would be vague and distant. I dated other people, tried to open my heart to options yet to be in my imagination.

Then, I let things slip. It was too hard to pretend I could fall out of love that quickly and move on to the next one. Especially knowing his feelings remained intact. We talked about more intimate things; we talked more often. We talked to end the day, and then we talked to feel something again.

LP one day observed that Michigan and I had returned to the state before things became difficult. Before he moved in, before our sex drives were incompatible, before we stopped communicating. I have no choice to agree, but I also know that things are different here at the end than they were at the beginning. We are different, and most importantly we aren’t together. In a way, I got what I had been asking for, freedom. The irony is that I no longer want it. It has been a month since I have seen him. I haven’t slept with anyone else despite the handful of dates I have been on. Maybe for some this is normal, for me this is incredible. This leads me to believe that what I actually wanted wasn’t what I was asking for.

I still keep analyzing all the things I could have done differently, but I wonder if it would have changed anything in the end. Sometimes what we want is impossible, and accepting that feels equally insurmountable. Sometimes fate just has other plans and we have to keep an open mind to see where we end up.

Tiny Little Voices

The last two weeks have been hard. I have felt vulnerable at best and worthless at worst. You wouldn’t think getting passed over for a promotion would do that to you, except that the insult was one in a string of many. Now this isn’t a post about how horrible my job is, although I could go on about that for ages, but about that tiny voice I really should listen to more often.

I call that voice God, but others may call it something else. Conscience. The universe. Reason. Tina Turner. Really to each his (or her) own.

I consider myself a spiritual person. I pray. I do yoga. I make an attempt at meditating. I like feeling connected to the world around me and spirituality is one way I achieve that. I grew up in the church and always found peace there. When I moved out of my parents’ place after college, I stopped going. Stopped as in not even the rare visit on holidays. I wouldn’t say my life has fallen apart because of it nor that I have stopped calling myself a Christian. However, I will say I consistently look back at that period of my life and miss the feeling of purpose I had. I was more fulfilled then than at ay other point of my life.

Now, back to the last two weeks. It seems that two thing coincided. My job became a sinkhole of despair and my relationship hit a giant fucking road block. They say bad things come in threes so I am waiting for one more big life failure like my parents dying on their way back from Canada or finding out I am pregnant…any day now. The first two, however, have been bad enough so I am ok if it is just a duo this time. My emotional health has been plummeting and I have had little motivation to fix it. Initially I was keeping up with little things like housework and my physical wellbeing, but even those are falling to the wayside.

How do all of these random ideas fit together, well let me tell you. Today Michigan went to the gym and I had no motivation to go to yoga so I was about to put on an episode (or 4) of the last season of Hart of Dixie when it occurred to me that I might find a more productive use of my time. I went to my book shelf to pick out one of the few self-help books I have purchased, and remembered I was in the middle of working through the Captivating companion journal/guide thing. I pulled out the book and the journal and plopped onto the couch. About halfway through, while tears were streaking my cheeks, a realization hit me that had I not listened to that tiny little voice I would not feel as good as I did in that moment.

I am not saying that I am all better and a miracle happened this morning, but sometimes that voice knows exactly what you need when you need it. What I needed this morning was that book and some self-analysis.

It happened earlier this week too. One night when I was full-on pity party and in bed before Michigan, I pulled out the Brene Brown book I keep on my bedside table. Her words were exactly what I needed to hear.

That voice is hard to hear sometimes through the cacophony that is our lives, but it is so so important to listen, to take time for ourselves; to find what we need and allow ourselves the time to be present and accepting of it. For me, this week, it has been books, but sometimes it is time with a friend, or making a detour for coffee, or just sitting in silence to find a snippet of peace. I don’t know what it is for you, but I encourage you to listen to it and take advantage of the things that make you feel connected to the world around you.

Cohabitation

For someone who has never lived with their significant other, it is a difficult transition at 27 years old to readjust. I mean that is almost three decades of patterns to shove someone into. Add in the OCD factor and commitment issues…the WTF moment was bound to come. It took 8 days, but the melt down came like cheese on a grilled sandwich…maybe a nice caprese. The first, was quick, however, compared to the one after that and then the one after that, and let’s not forget the one after that.

It has been two months now and there is a strange balance coming into view. Not always an easy one, but one that doesn’t have me wanting to cry myself to sleep every night wondering if I made the right choice. The situation is peculiar. Going from seeing each other for a few days every month or so to every single day ever. Cohabiting is hard, and we had the unfortunate situation in which it was a quick fix to a problem that would have destroyed us otherwise.

It has taken me so long to write this post, finally, after starting it several times, because words have been failing me. There are so many emotions roiling in my brain and I didn’t know how to phrase my tribulations without making it sound like a horror movie. I will say that the more I try to predict the next page, the less accurate I turn out to be, and I think that is what I was trying to do in earlier drafts, predict the future. I am by no means a fortune teller and I think I am finally coming to terms with that.

I love Michigan. That is first and foremost what I remind myself on a daily basis. Love, however, is adaptable, it changes with time and circumstance. Saying those words is easy, I have always known that which is why I avoided them so much during my lifetime. Meaning them, acting on them, despite every flaw, is a daily effort, a choice one must make again and again. Putting “I love you” to work takes strength, a strength I hoped I had, toyed with, but am still working to fully grasp. Living with someone is giving up some of your control, some of your will to an outside force that may or may not always be exactly what you want. Love is hard man.

There are problems I expected, planned for. Then there were the surprises that took me for a loop. I used to really honestly believe I was easy to be with, maybe not to live with, but I though I was an exceptional partner. No longer do I believe that. I respect him for putting up with my crazy, even if some of the things he attributes to my craziness are totally in the normal realm for me. I get angry and then get more angry he doesn’t understand why. We both suck at talking about the hard stuff and that is going to need some serious work. Sex for instance, sex has been such an issue, and that is definitely something that has never caused problems with us before. I have questioned who I am as a person because we weren’t doing it like rabbits. Why? I don’t know, well I have guesses, but that is probably something I should discuss with a therapist of some sort.

When all is said and done, I love coming home to him, even if the dishes are still a little dirty after he does them. I love falling asleep next to him, even if his sex drive doesn’t quite keep up with mine. I love sitting on the couch together, even if he will sit there while I unpack out whole house. I love going out on the town with him, even if he is addicted to his phone and doesn’t always turn it off in public. There are things I can’t live without, and things I am willing to live with. Balance and compromise. With some small break downs in the mix to teach me where my limits are and make me work on my communication skills.

Now that that is done, maybe I can actually get back on track with posting, I really suck at this goal this year guys.

Year End Reflections

 #Pinterest

 10 Highlights…

1. Going to San Diego in August.

Not only was this my first time in California, putting my toes in the Pacific waters, but it was also a long needed roomie/bestie trip with LP. We had a total blast for four days and enjoyed some sun, sand, and shenanigans.

2. Mom and Dad coming to visit in April.

So many things happened during the two weeks they were here. I failed at hosting my first holiday (see below), they met Michigan for the first time (only the second time they have met a significant other), and we went on a four day road trip to see Sedona, The Grand Canyon, and Vegas (their first, and probably last, time).

3. Speaking of Michigan (the man), he was a huge part of my year as well.

All of his visits were definitely highlights and something that made this year bearable at times. From him coming in March when we went to a Cubs game and the Renaissance Fair, to spending out first holiday together over Thanksgiving, every one was special and left me wanting more. We also celebrated ONE WHOLE YEAR together in October, which still blows my mind.

4. My visit to Michigan (the state) in January also falls under the highlights category.

Not only did I get to Michigan(theman)’s home and meet his family, but I got to check off a whole new state from places to see before I die.

5. Rogers and The Viking’s Wedding.

This June occasion was momentous for a few reasons. First, two of my dear friends tied the knot and even asked me to be a part of their beautiful day. Second, I got to go on a mini road trip with Michigan including a ferry ride across Lake Michigan (this Michigan thing is getting very confusing, note to self, consider new nic name…other note to self, no nic names after places anymore). Third, I checked off two more states with a visit to Madison, Wisconsin for the wedding and Chicago, Illinois on the way home. Fourth, Chicago!

6. Anytime I get to go to Vegas is always on my list.

This year I had the pleasure of going twice! The first time was in March when TOGA and gang went for a week. I drove up for a night and although not as amazing as I had hoped, still mention-worthy. The second was for my 27^th birthday. I got to share a long weekend with friends and have a roller coaster of a time with all the ups and downs you have to expect when Vegas is part of the equation.

7. I am grouping together two outings for number seven because the bonding element they have was that I was able to share them with The Viking and Rogers:

*Monument Tour in August (Seeing Paramore is always epic and seeing Fall Out Boy along with them….there are no words!)

*Arizona Cardinals v. Detroit Lions in November (Football, friends, stadium full of screaming fans….what is here no to love)

8. I am devoting number 8 to two anniversaries that fell in the last year.

The first was one year in Arizona in March and the second was one year at The New Foundation in May. This has been the most intense adventure of my life so far, but every step has been worth it. Mistakes included, I have become a better person, and even though my job is not he best, it is a stepping stone to higher goals (one which I very soon hope to step off of).

9. The Biggest Loser competition I orchestrated at work in June/July (and almost won).

A lot more commitment running the show than I thought, but definitely a fun time for my crazy organized side. It was a close race and I am proud to say I worked hard to push myself to be better.

10. Last but not least, although it may seem minor, I got contacts again for the first time since high school which has allowed me to have much more comfort while riding my bike to work and going to yoga.

**I would like to make honorable mention of two other events, which did not quite make the top ten, but none-the-less are worth mentioning.

Saint Patrick’s Day – An eventful day after which I could not look at Thai Curry the same way again.

Home for Christmas – The only reason I am suspecting this did not bump one of the other contenders above is because as I am writing this list, it has not yet happened.

10 Disappointments…

(In no particular order)

1. My second DUI.

Between the horrific jail experience, the financial insecurity, the hassle of having an interlock in my car, and the enormous time commitment this has required, it trumps any other failure I have had this year.

2. Not getting the job as AYSF.

Liz recommended me, I felt more than qualified, but due to my license issue, it was not meant to be.

3. Missing Riot Fest in Denver with Anarchy.

Such an amazing opportunity wasted again because of the DUI fallout (seeing a pattern yet?). Then to see pictures and hear stories when Anarchy got back, ugh!

4. Not seeing the Patriots when they came to play the Chargers in San Diego.

No money, no ticket, and LP is in the habit of ditching me anyway.

5. The fallout with TOGA.

He got into a relationship, I don’t understand, we haven’t talked since. I realize his is probably an unhealthy reaction on my part, but I am not ready to come to terms with it yet.

6. Decline in relationship with LP.

Although I expect tensions to ease when we are no longer roommates, there are definite differences to our friendship, which are not all entirely fixable.

7. Being unable to fly back East for an entire year.

And in the process missing out on some pretty big life events friends have been experiencing. Feeling homesick is not a fun feeling.

8. Misusing a lot of my time.

Whether it was due to laziness, depression, exhaustion, etc. I was not the best at making use of my time wisely.

9. Easter Dinner.

I wanted Easter to be this impressive affair where I cooked for my family and my boyfriend and everyone was impressed with my hosting skills. I left myself no time and we went out to dinner instead.

10. Continuing to be church-less.

It is a need I have been feeling I need to fill again, but between work and social anxiety, it hasn’t happened yet.

3 Game Changers…

1. DUI

I am sure you can see the pattern above. It had affected every aspect of my life.

2. Switching to IOP

It has been a fun and skill-building experience, bringing me closer to a co-worker and providing me with a little more freedom at work.

3. Building a relationship with Rogers and the Viking.

They have been supportive and fun, really adding my connection to Arizona and my life here. I really believe that if there was no other reason to have moved here, they would have been more than enough to make it worth while. I will be sad when they moved back to Minnesota.

3 Things I focused on…

1. Michigan

He is dear to my heart and I have spent a lot of time cultivating a strong, healthy relationship.

2. Work

Not always my favorite place to be, but useful in developing skills and getting out of debt.

3. Yoga

Being healthy is an up and down battle for me, but yoga has given me a hobby that pushes me to want to make goals and actually reach them. It fuses the body control aspect I once found so addicting in dance and the strength-building benefits I have been trying to accomplish, plus a side of meditation. Mind, body, and soul working together.

3 Things I forgot…

1. Applying for Grad School

As I am writing this, there is still time to squeak that in under the wire, but I have my doubts. There is always next year (she said once again).

2. Figuring out a better solution for my student loan problem.

For years now I have been battling with Salliemae just to get them to give me some small relief from the debt I have collected. After hearing about a couple different programs I may be eligible for, I have still done little more than minor research around them.

3. Therapy.

Several times this year I felt I had hi a wall. Being in mental health I am a huge advocate for reaching out for support from professionals when life becomes too overwhelming. I still struggle to take my own advice.

Reflection…

I can’t say this year has been easy, nor can I say I have always been happy, but that is life. This year was more difficult than others, but out of adversity comes strength. I regret things that have happened, they will continue to affect me for years to come. However, that is not what I want to focus on as the year closes out. I want to focus on the relationships that have been built on love and acceptance. The changes that have lead my family and I to come to new understandings of one another. Big goals for the future and new roads I have been lead down. Life will never be easy, and I am thankful to have things to look back on that brought light even to he darkest of places. Here is to a year full of challenges and overcoming them.

Shame and Gifting

When I was in elementary school I had a birthday party. It was one of those parties you invite all the kids from your class, even though you really only wanted to invite three of them, and then parents come too for some reason or another (probably to gloat about how they are such great parents for organizing socialization for their child). I was an awkward child. Although I was aware of social norms and painfully tried to be a polite little girl, I did not always succeed at abiding by said norms or being very polite. It was time to open gifts and, as was the case at these parties (whose goal I really do believe was to make the socially awkward children even more awkward), everyone gathered around to watch me ooh and ahh at the unwrapping.
It amazes me how vividly I remember this moment. I have no idea what the gift ended up being or who it was from, but as I peeled back the fragile paper and reveled the contents I was immediately repulsed at the sight. Without a second thought I blurted out “I don’t even like [fill in the blank]!” As it turns out, the giver of said gift had only used the box from something else to encase what the actual gift ended up being. I was mortified and thoroughly scolded by my mother for my outburst.
To this day, no matter how horrid the gift, I smile and give copious amounts of thanks. However, sometimes, the gift is expensive and I know I will never use it or if I do I will do so grudgingly. I feel guilt for not informing the person they wasted their money, but shame for not being more grateful they even thought of me.
This year for Christmas Michigan sent me a Keurig coffee maker. I HATE Keurigs. The cups are wasteful, the machines are a pain in the ass to clean, and you can only make one cup at a time. What if I have guests over? What if I want to have an all night Harry Potter marathon with multiple cups of that Ethiopian blend? It is an impractical waste of space.
I stupidly Skyped with him to open the thing and he knew immediately I was under-whelmed. I blamed it on sleep deprivation from too much overtime (which was indeed a true thing) and ended the call quickly. However, it sits by my bed staring at me, the guilt and shame driving me to close to tears.
I am in turmoil. I don’t know what to do. He is supposed to be moving in with me and I can’t tell him I hate a coffeemaker? Who gives a coffeemaker as a Christmas present to their girlfriend? Why can’t he be like a normal person and just buy me the boxed book set I very clearly stated I wanted and probably would have cost less! I would have even been happy with the French Press I said I wanted to replace my old coffeemaker with. Presents are about getting people things they wouldn’t or couldn’t buy for themselves…a Keurig?
This is such a silly thing to be having such a huge existential crisis over.

Unwinding Disilussion

The more I let go of my past, the more I realize how tightly I have been holding on to things that I should have left behind long ago. The harsh side effect of this is that I have not been fully embracing the future my current path is leading me towards. There is a vast difference between missing things and trying to build on crumbling foundations.

TOGA has a girlfriend. She is someone I know…and do not respect. More importantly, she is not me. After spending half an hour on the floor crying one of those body-racking cries the night I found out, it was obvious I have yet to let go of the future I had hoped for with him. All of this despite the one year anniversary on the horizon with Michigan.

Whoever says you can’t love two people at once is full of crap. I love Michigan in a very life-consuming way. I want to share my entire being with him in a way I haven’t wanted to share it with anyone in a very long time. There is nothing uncomfortable about our relationship and we accept each other where we are at completely. I love TOGA too. My love for him is lasting and stagnant. I love him with a yearning for something that will never be. Furthermore, I have been unable to accept the impossibility of the situation.

It is time to start seeing it and letting it take hold. I have yet to decide if doing so will mean extricating him from my life entirely or finding a way to heal before allowing the relationship to continue. It is very clear that regardless of the solution, it is unfair to Michigan and unfair to myself to make no change whatsoever.

Letting go is hard, but what comes next can be so much better if the heart is allowed some room to breathe.

That Small Feeling You Get When Life Grows Too Big

This week I have felt smaller than small. Which is ironic because over the weekend I felt like a GIANT. Oh how far the mighty fall.

Sunday was my birthday. I am firmly in the downward swing of my 20s – 27, UGH. It isn’t the number so much, just the feeling that I haven’t grown up as much as I should have by now.

I went to Vegas for the weekend with my recently married lady friends and Michigan. It was a blast…with the usual bumps. I drove out Friday morning with the girls and we picked Michigan up from the airport. We couldn’t check in right away but the strip was calling anyway!

With a good buzz on a couple hours later and some sights seen, we checked in, got settled, and played some cards in the hotel. After a few rounds and a few more drinks, we went out for some more exploring. However, my patience was low and my libido was high (3 months does a number on you), so it wasn’t long before we separated and had some alone fun.

Fully satisfied and post-shower we were back out on the town…because that’s what you do in Vegas. We hit up Liasons, danced, talked…drank. Memory gets a little blurry around the time we left, but apparently I got a little grumpy. Best guess is because Michigan wouldn’t dance with me, but it could have been any other number of minor, perceived insults. Does it matter?

The hangover, needless to say, was harsh. I stayed in bed until almost one in the afternoon. I did manage to get up when the girls got back from the pool and consumed copious amounts of water with a splash of a few painkillers. Just in time for the brunch buffet! This was either the best idea ever or the worst, but either way it was yummy. I do regret not feeling well enough to partake in free mimosas though, I love mimosas. Vegas is about over indulgence and clearly thus far I was succeeding.

Since we hadn’t done any gambling yet, that is what came next. I lost 20 bucks in the slots and watched Michigan lose some money at the blackjack tables. No one was winning so naps sounded like a better idea (yes, I could sleep more). Feeling more alive, the second round of gambling proved more lucrative…for everyone but me…who was up 40 bucks at one point then lost it all…self control issues. I do enjoy the free drinks that come around when you are spending money though.

Afterwards we did the silly tourist thing, took some pictures, saw the Bellagio water show, all the fun things before changing and heading to this outdoor club near our hotel. I wore my tiara out since it was my birthday night. This turned into over indulgent bartenders giving me and my companions awesome free shots, and sometimes just pouring them into my mouth and the mouth of whoever was up there with me. That and they kept getting on top of the bar and pouring them into everyone’s mouths, it was like, why even buy anything? We ALL danced that night, I think Michigan was making an effort because it was an issue the night before and has been more than once previously. It was a live band even which I love!

I was not nearly as drunk as I was the previous night, but I still got a little weird after the girls left to utilize the empty hotel room. The drama started when Michigan and I finally left and I wanted to walk, but Michigan didn’t. I clearly do what I want so we walked. I don’t remember why, but he had my wallet and when I realized this, I asked for it back…aaaand he wouldn’t give it to me. Angry, I walked faster. Eventually he gave it to me, but the damage was done. I probably kept the fumes going for about a mile, but then I realized it was going to take forever to walk back, so we crossed the street at the mall and sat down.

Michigan, in an attempt to salvage the night, asked if I remembered what I had asked for for my birthday. I had asked for a timeline for when he was going to move so I could plan and stop freaking out that it was never going to happen and I was wasting my time. I was certain that it would be no later than early December, I could have sworn that we had mentioned this before. When he told me late January, maybe you can begin to imagine why my hopes were crushed. I hugged my knees into myself and buried my face in them as the tears welled up and spilled over.

When I finally got the tears to stop, I looked up, said, “I don’t know if I can wait until January,” and walked away.

Back at the hotel, I did the very adult thing of locking myself in the bathroom to lie on the floor until Maria came in and convinced me to go to bed. The cool tile just felt so nice.

Sunday I woke up feeling physically fine, but with a killer emotional hangover.

After we checked out, we still had a lovely day. It was my birthday! We had lunch at Planet Hollywood which I felt very proud to remember how to find. We took a ride on the ferris wheel and saw the entire strip, I recommend going at night though, it mostly just looks like desert in the day time. Then we had cupcakes at Sprinkles. I just couldn’t get rid of my little black cloud (insert Winnie the Pooh song).

I wanted him to fix it…or maybe just show me he was feeling as much hurt as I was. I hated (hate) that this is where we are at, five month of never enough.

To top it off, my parents didn’t call. LP wasn’t there, again. The car ride ahead seemed miserable. Even though I didn’t even want to look at him, I still didn’t want to say good bye to Michigan. Nothing felt in sync. Social obligation was the only thing staving off the inevitable break down.

I did eventually talk to Michigan about how much it sucked and he tried hard to sympathize, maybe even cheer me up, but I was firmly in my funk. A funk that stuck with me. The following week shrunk my spirit even further. All of the things acting together to microwave my positivity, optimism, and any motivation.

Yada, yada, yada, stop complaining. This is just where I am at right now. 27 and feeling utterly lost.

I have been reading Hannah Hart’s book and it has been a little shining light, not life changing or anything, just a good reminder that life sucks before it gets better. It helps that I have a major crush or her. But, srsly, I recommend it to all twenty-somethings.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

Chapter Something

The door opens and as LP enters, I can’t help but stare menacingly at her and take another sip, realizing that the drink in my hand, my third, is probably stronger than I intended.

“Hey, whatcha doing?”

“Michigan proposed today.”

LP stares at me astonished.

“I don’t know what is wrong with me. All I could do was stare and immediately felt like all I wanted to do was drink, curl up in a ball and listen to extremely loud indie music. Something is wrong with me. I mean shouldn’t I be overjoyed and telling all my friends? I just wanted to be happy, say yes and live my life with the guy I know I should be with. Then my brain kicked in and Mr. Wrong and HB flew in and took away my ability to speak. How do I explain that to Michigan, better yet how do I just get over myself and be less….stupid?”

This is a reoccurring fantasy I keep having. I am at the stage I have begun to wonder what I would do if Michigan proposed. I know I am no ready and in reality we aren’t there yet, but what will it take for me to be ready when we are there?

I heard a quote the other day that when we are living in the past we can’t live in the present…or something. Which is true, but what happens when a part of you feels like you need to make amends to your past before you can embrace what is next? Even more complex, what if making amends really isn’t an option and trying to do so may actually just make things worse?

When Michigan and I started, all I could see was him. The joyously bubbly feelings were overwhelming enough to forget. As the air has settled, I find it hard to think about a future with Michigan without remembering the regrets of my past. They may have been necessary for me to become the person I am and form the path I am on, but what about the casualties? Can I really just ignore them and accept them as building blocks I had no choice but to step on?

Not to mention recently a ghost from Michigan’s past reared its ugly head in the form of a Facebook message. His ex, whom I know very little about and have not pressured much to hear about, contacted me out of the blue to “warn” me about their history. I do not believe most of what she said, but it got me to thinking why we have never really discussed her if it was such a huge part of his life.

Then I remember I haven’t gone into detail about my exploits either and have no desire to whatsoever.

I don’t even know how to handle the dichotomy of wanting to share everything with him, and yet not everything. I would never lie if he asked, but I am not in a hurry to discuss the sordid details.

This is what happens when you avoid serious relationships like the plague and keep romance to the surface, you don’t know how to manage when it goes a little deeper.

Michigan

The hardest thing I do in my life is to accept I have control over nothing. Sometimes I get it spot on, let go, and find contentment. Then something changes, there is a shift in the status quo and my world is flipped in ways I couldn’t have predicted. It is then that I realize I didn’t actually accept my inability to shape my universe, I simply became comfortable with the direction things were going. Change is inevitable, changes you create yourself are necessary, but they also make you crazy.

I have mentioned once or twice one of those huge changes in life, a new piece to the puzzle which I can now see is shifting my world and making me second guess everything and myself in the process.

Eight months ago in October I started dating this amazing man who I fell for almost immediately. He is kind and generous and rocks my socks in bed. He doesn’t complain that I do my own thing and accepts my crazy, loving me not despite of it, but because of it. On paper he is exactly what I need and despite his flaws, of which I have found few, I have yet to come across anyone in real life that would be more perfect for me.

The problem, however, is that he lives in Michigan. How did that happen? Well by the powers of the internet of course! It is a long story, but short version is that we were both part of this online fitness support group. Out of the blue one day he started messaging me, one thing led to another and flirting turned to feelings which eventually lead to an actual visit. We started talking not long after I moved to Arizona and so the idea never even crossed my mind that this innocent dalliance would ever become more. My life was too unstable for any relationship, let along a long distance one, it was just supposed to be a fun distraction.

Then the distraction lasted all summer, my life became more stable, and my dalliance began to look more sincere. I was in love with him by the time we met in real life, I just hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. It took one weekend, one drunken night and a fight with his best friend for me to admit, crying at a bus stop, that I needed him. Miraculously, despite the tears running down my face, he said he wasn’t letting me go.

It hasn’t been easy. I am not one to be content with happy feelings for very long. I push, I scream, I run in the opposite direction. Which is exactly what I started doing after a few months. Each time it happens, however, he is right there telling me it is ok that I am scared, but he will keep chasing.

This may in fact be a highly romanticized version of reality, but you aren’t here for reality and this is close enough that I am ok seeing it this way.

I don’t always know what to do with all of this, and a part of me wants to run for the hills, end it now before it implodes in on itself. A bigger part of me can’t imagine being that cowardly. I wish I had a plan, I wish I knew it was going to end well for us, but there are only two options: happiness and misery. The misery is the part that scares me, it is a misery I have not allowed into my life for quite some time. Accepting its inevitability if I can’t solve this puzzle is something I am having a hard time doing. However, there is no going back and we can only accept the choices we make and have faith that we are strong enough to face whatever end the path brings.

What I do know for sure is that I haven’t wanted to fight this hard for many people in my lifetime and even fewer have wanted to fight with me.

Landmark Reflections

I am a little late in doing this, but the beginning of the month was my one year anniversary in moving to Arizona. I wanted to reflect now that things are mostly stable and I have a handful of experience.

Things I still miss:

• My family
• Friends which slowly seem to be losing touch
• Boston nights (especially Saint Pattie’s Day)
• The subway
• Living in Salem, a city full of history
• Dog walking believe it or not (I keep stalking their Facebook page to check up on some of the pups)
• Knowing how to get around without thinking
• The ocean
• Wider range of job opportunities

Things I would not trade for anything:

• Finally having an adult apartment
• Michigan
• Pool season practically year-round
• Sunshine sunshine sunshine
• Minimal precipitation
• Logical city design so even when I do get lost it is not that hard to figure it out
• Living with my best friend
• New friends
• New adventures and new places to explore

Life changes whether you want it to or not, that is not up to us. I may miss a lot of things and my heart may ache some days, but the likelihood is that that would have happened eventually. We can either be a passive traveler, letting the winds shift us from one place to the next, or we can take an active role and set sail (caution: cheesy metaphor). Either way, we move forward and I would rather have some say in where I end up, I am stubborn like that.