Tag Archives: relationship

Tiny Little Voices

4 Jul

The last two weeks have been hard. I have felt vulnerable at best and worthless at worst. You wouldn’t think getting passed over for a promotion would do that to you, except that the insult was one in a string of many. Now this isn’t a post about how horrible my job is, although I could go on about that for ages, but about that tiny voice I really should listen to more often.

I call that voice God, but others may call it something else. Conscience. The universe. Reason. Tina Turner. Really to each his (or her) own.

I consider myself a spiritual person. I pray. I do yoga. I make an attempt at meditating. I like feeling connected to the world around me and spirituality is one way I achieve that. I grew up in the church and always found peace there. When I moved out of my parents’ place after college, I stopped going. Stopped as in not even the rare visit on holidays. I wouldn’t say my life has fallen apart because of it nor that I have stopped calling myself a Christian. However, I will say I consistently look back at that period of my life and miss the feeling of purpose I had. I was more fulfilled then than at ay other point of my life.

Now, back to the last two weeks. It seems that two thing coincided. My job became a sinkhole of despair and my relationship hit a giant fucking road block. They say bad things come in threes so I am waiting for one more big life failure like my parents dying on their way back from Canada or finding out I am pregnant…any day now. The first two, however, have been bad enough so I am ok if it is just a duo this time. My emotional health has been plummeting and I have had little motivation to fix it. Initially I was keeping up with little things like housework and my physical wellbeing, but even those are falling to the wayside.

How do all of these random ideas fit together, well let me tell you. Today Michigan went to the gym and I had no motivation to go to yoga so I was about to put on an episode (or 4) of the last season of Hart of Dixie when it occurred to me that I might find a more productive use of my time. I went to my book shelf to pick out one of the few self-help books I have purchased, and remembered I was in the middle of working through the Captivating companion journal/guide thing. I pulled out the book and the journal and plopped onto the couch. About halfway through, while tears were streaking my cheeks, a realization hit me that had I not listened to that tiny little voice I would not feel as good as I did in that moment.

I am not saying that I am all better and a miracle happened this morning, but sometimes that voice knows exactly what you need when you need it. What I needed this morning was that book and some self-analysis.

It happened earlier this week too. One night when I was full-on pity party and in bed before Michigan, I pulled out the Brene Brown book I keep on my bedside table. Her words were exactly what I needed to hear.

That voice is hard to hear sometimes through the cacophony that is our lives, but it is so so important to listen, to take time for ourselves; to find what we need and allow ourselves the time to be present and accepting of it. For me, this week, it has been books, but sometimes it is time with a friend, or making a detour for coffee, or just sitting in silence to find a snippet of peace. I don’t know what it is for you, but I encourage you to listen to it and take advantage of the things that make you feel connected to the world around you.

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Updates and Unicorns (spoiler, there are no unicorns)

13 Nov

I promised this weeks ago. It’s surprisingly hard to just sit down and talk about life.

Short version, since that’s really all I have time for, but I told myself I HAD to do this today:

Work is…all of the things. I love the kids, I love how easy most days are, I love the ever-changing days, but it’s burning me out. We have discovered I am a workaholic sometimes. I have worked over 80 hours in the last two weeks and although on the whole that is above the norm, it’s not that far above. The thing about this type of position is that not many people last long with the same agency. You always have your handful of vets, then the handful of 1-2 year-ers, the rest of the holes are filled by people who stay 5-8 months and peace out.

I’ve never held a job less than a year, but I just accepted an interview for this week somewhere else and I am ok with this. It was a step back professionally taking the job here and despite the raise I just got and the kids that I love, I need to at least get the momentum back.

In the health department, I finally found a diet I can stick to and have almost lost ten pounds! This excites me and hopefully is a good motivator to find a workout routine I can keep with consistently as well. I want my definition back! Heck maybe I’ll even hop back on the running kick and work back up to that 5K I never did.

The key is to never give up. No matter how far off the trail you wander, you can always find your way back and finish climbing that mountain. Use your resources!!

LP and I continue to have our ups and downs but I think we have finally found neutral ground. I’ve let go of some of the bitterness that was getting in the way and she is making more of an effort to communicate. It helps that we are doing the diet together even though she is so skinny…that bitch.

The biggest thing that has happened in recent months is that for the first time in 5 years and 9 months I find myself in a serious relationship.

WHOA! Let’s take a second and process that for two seconds.

Now its no fairy tale and its long distance (Michigan long distance), but it is a big deal. I drop the “L” word on a daily basis and fall asleep talking to him every night. I’ll write out the whole story at some point, but despite its imperfections and mountains that sometimes seem insurmountable, he is the first guy in a long time that makes me think maybe I won’t end up alone after all. Do people really get this many chances? Or were all the other ones just the lessons I needed to learn to get here? Is this one going to turn into a lesson?

Stopping THAT crazy train right there.

That’s about it and about all the time I have to devote to this at the moment. I would like to end with something witty, or inspirational, but my brain is a little fried so we’ll have to stick to something simple.

Poop!