Tag Archives: respect

Valen-ME Day

14 Feb

It is no secret I think Valentine’s Day is a bullshit holiday. I correct myself, it should not even qualify as a holiday. It is simply another way for big business to drum up sheep to spend money. In case you are unaware, the reality behind the “holiday” is a bloody mess (see here if you don’t know what I am talking about).

I don’t often celebrate, significant other or no, because I don’t want to feed the corporate machine more than I already do. I would much rather show my love in 365 little ways than one big way once a year. That being said, it occurred to me this year that perhaps there is someone in my life the day could remind me deserves a little affection…myself.

Self care has been a big focus for me the last six months or so, and I suck at it. It is ten times easier to overwork my body, tear myself down, and ignore the needs of my heart then to spend time putting energy into showing myself the love, patience, and encouragement I pour out to others. In this, I know I am not alone. Many of us are so much better at practicing empathy and tolerance with others and so bad at treating ourselves with that same level of respect. We are our own biggest critics acting as judge, jury, and executioner for the smallest of charges.

This Valentine’s Day I am going to show myself the love I withhold all year. I am going to put energy into what makes ME happy and give myself permission to be selfish. Maybe I will buy myself flowers and chocolates, maybe I will spend the day ignoring my phone and taking a bath, maybe I will leave town and go on a day trip all by myself wherever I want. Who knows! The point is I can use this day for me and give he most important person in my life some attention and consideration. I can give myself the gift of accepting me for me.

Little Boys Playing Big Boy Games and Losing

6 Nov

As a woman I have never felt so disrespected in my life. This week has been a shit storm of disgusting, hateful, derogatory comments about sex, genitalia, and the use of women for the enjoyment of men….no, boys. I expect it to some extent, they are learning, but to this extreme, it has eaten at my heart and soul. No one, men, man or teen has the right or privilege to talk that way, no one. Yet I have been subjected to sit, listen, and put up with a string of commentation about my gender. Forced to keep my mouth shut because if I allowed the words I wished to say out of my mouth I would no longer be a desirable employee.

I lost it tonight on a young man who has the audacity to come into my program and discuss his male prowess in getting females into bed. If a woman, if any person, is giving you the gift of spending a night or even a moment with them, then the very LEAST you can do is give them the respect that action deserves. If you can’t even do that, you don’t deserve that gift from that person or any other. Your sexual partners are not locker room banter or a way to prove to your buddies that you are the god you think yourself to be. You are not a god, you are scum and should not for one second think otherwise.

No one is an object, whether they have slept with only you or with a hundred others. Notches on your belt don’t make you a more worthy person and they don’t make you worthy of love and affection. What DOES make you worthy of that precious event is when you are able to see it for what is is, and respect and worship the one allowing you into their most intimate spaces.

There are not enough showers to wash away the grime I feel coating every inch of my body. These are young boys and they shouldn’t already be so disenchanted with the world to treat it this way. The most unnerving thought I have is that they must have learned it somewhere. What role models do they have that they already believe the words coming out of their mouths and appropriate and acceptable? What state is our world in when from the very start, these boys are taught disrespect and fowl language are acceptable ways to address their counterparts?

To make it even worse, I have only discussed one small part of the bigger picture. Yes, their language about sex is concerning, but so is the language they use about sexual orientation and race. It is hateful language and I could preach for days about how wrong and misguided they are, but they aren’t going to change because it is coming from a 20-something white girl who in their mind doesn’t understand their generation or their communities.

I started by saying I was disgusted, but in reality maybe I am just sad.

Growing into Adulthood

17 Jul

We all wait for it. That blessed day when legally we can call ourselves adults and shed the yolk of having to listen to anyone about anything. We expect to immediately be considered equals to the rest of society and be able to command those who still reside below our status. We know that there are things that we are still deprived of, but often take liberties with them regardless. We are invincible.

It is not until a few years later, after a taste of the real world, possibly having to move back in with our parents (if we ever managed to move out) and overwhelmed by the new oppression of having to pay our own bills, do we begin to realize how very wrong we were.

I’ve gotten to a juncture in my life I know I’m not as wise as I once believed, but probably continue to believe myself wiser than I actually am.

There is one point I never completely figured out and continue, to this day, even in my mid-20s, to go back and forth over.

Let me utilize an anecdote to explain. This week I have been subbing in the school on the campus I work at. I am a behavioral health staff and generally work in the dorms, so returning to the educational environment has been interesting in its own right. I was leaving the building today after my last class and saying good bye to my supervisor as well as the school’s principal. My supervisor is only slightly older than myself and at this point I am comfortable using her first name while maintaining a respectful tone and vocabulary. I feel this is normal. Then I turned to the principal and her first name escaped my mouth (as I’m sure she would expect) and this overwhelming feeling of wrongness took immediate effect. Its been hours and clearly I am still considering the event since I’m here, feeling the need to expand and process.

Initially I wanted to blame it on the fact she is the principal and I was raised to use the utmost respect to those with authority. However, I realized that to some degree throughout the day, it had happened with other teachers I was working with. Changing classes, in the lunchroom, discussing the next period, etc. This could still be contributed to merely the school setting and perhaps I have some complex leftover from high school which I never resolved. Unfortunately, upon even further reflection, I must admit it happens often. Anyone outside of say a decade of my age, I automatically want to address as Ms./Mrs/Mr. so-and-so.

Perhaps with each passing generation this is less and less of an issue. Perhaps it isn’t even an issue with my generation and it is just leftover psychological static from my own personal life. Perhaps, but I think to some degree it is not just me.

I truly believe the root of it is that I have not fully grown into my adulthood yet. I still feel like a child playing dress up more often than I would like to admit. I feel as if I have been presented with a series of responsibilities and accepted them to make others happy without full commitment to my ability to assume them. I still feel a mixture of pride and surprise every time I manage to handle with grace something that is so completely “adult.”

Part of me never wants to encounter the day that this doesn’t happen. I like the idea I have managed to maintain some level of innocence from my childhood. I like that not all of me had embraced what society has defined as adultness because that means that I still have some growing up to do. And THAT means that I am not stuck this way, I can change, I must change, and I will change. I accept that with that change may come a breaking down of some of the things I enjoy about myself sometimes, but hopefully more of that change will be a reduction of the things I don’t, replacing them with more of the positive and uplifting.

It is an awkward feeling to know others see you as their equal (for the most part) but still feel that you aren’t quite deserving of that regard yet. Awkward, but encouraging. It gives you something to work towards, to strive for. It is a source of pride for the good things you have done and continue to do while creating a subconscious goal you want more than anything to achieve. Goals are what keep us going, keep us working, keep us accountable. They are one of the most important pieces to this crazy, convoluted puzzle.

Baby Daddy

26 Jun

Probably not!!….

…is the answer to the question “would this man make a good father?” for all the men I’ve slept with in the last, oh….6 months.

Sometimes ladies men look like little drops of heaven on the outside that you just want to eat up, but DO NOT BE FOOLED!

Take the time to look deeper. Who are they? What do they stand for?

If they can’t pass the “will they make a good daddy?” test then they don’t deserve access to your vagina. PERIOD!

We forget to respect ourselves and that affects us. But what happens when forgetting to respect ourselves leads to forgetting to respect the┬ápossibility┬áthat could result in a trist? It is hard to think on a bigger scale, but even utilizing all the proper protection, accidents can still happen and I don’t know about you, but I never want to be faced with the charge of explaining to mini-me how (s)he came into the world if daddy was a jerky one night stand.

As I have gotten older, this reality continues to hit me harder and harder with each passing day. I still make mistakes and have not-so-ideal encounters, but its on my mind and I’m working on a cure. I’ll let you know when I find one.