Tag Archives: self worth

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”

25 May

I always fall in love with the ones that break my heart.

This applies to every kind of relationship I have. I undeniably am more likely to care about you if you are someone that will hurt me.

I started thinking about this the other day when LP and I were amidst a huge blow out fight that left us on non com for over a week. I am convinced this phenomenon connects to my god complex. I want to fix people and I always always always believe the best about people until they give me a reason to believe otherwise.

In my friendships I am the one that gives my time, my energy, and my love while rarely receiving it equally back. I am a social worker because my heart doesn’t feel right unless I am working to better someone else’s life. My romantic relationships, or lack thereof, always end with me finding out the man I chose to pursue will never be able to meet me on equal ground.

In my early years I was so damaged and had so little self worth that I was grateful for any attention any other human being sent my way. I soaked in every hint of anything that could be construed as love because I didn’t know any better.

I have grown enormously sine then, but I still seem to attract the same genre of people, even if I have ceased to accept the same abuse I used to. Mixed in with that personal growth I suppose a harder shell developed. I don’t know how to change the recurring pattern, but I know how to make it hurt less. I think most of the time I convince myself that this means that I have changed how I interact with people, but if I look close enough, I know it has not.

How do you change a part of your life that more often than not seems almost entirely out of your control?

A Girl Worth Fighting For

14 Nov

I had a thoughtful moment in the shower this morning and wanted to get it out before I forgot because I think its important, if not for you or anyone else, for me.

Girls are always looking for that boy who will fight for them. Sometimes some of us, for a myriad of reasons, run away from something good just to see if they will chase after us. We need to be reassured that someone else finds us necessary in their life. For me it comes from the deep dark place that doesn’t always feel I am deserving of love.

More often than not in this day and age, men don’t chase. Women get older and settle because there is still that societal faux pas that we had not yet shed just yet.

That line of thought is going in a direction I don’t want to explore just yet, not why I started this so let me change tracks. Women complain that men have lost their gentlemanly qualities. Many (not all!) feel free to misuse us, objectify us, mistreat and ignore us. This slowly chips away at our self worth and confidence until we are hurt and crying and wondering how we got here.

Its a travesty. But who is really to blame? Men? I would argue that the majority of the blame is not on them anymore. Maybe in the dark ages before we had a voice, before we had rights unique to ourselves, but the suffrage movement began centuries ago. It may not have hit America until the 19th century, so maybe we have an excuse to be a little behind the rest of the world, but it has still been decades.

In my life I am blessed to have male friends who are able to love and respect me for who I am and what I bring to the table. In the past there have been some that have tried to use me for all the many reason you can use a woman, but they were quickly rebutted and either learned to have me as the friend I deserve to be, or were given a choice word and swift kick out of my life. Men are capable of treating women as they ought to be treated. It is US who allows them to believe we are objects, toys, or trash.

If a man walks up to us and asks us to become something we aren’t and don’t want to be, but we do it anyway because we feels its the only way he will love us, we tell him its ok. Read that again. We tell him, without uttering a word, that its ok.

I know why we do it. I am by no means innocent of this perpetration. However, it doesn’t make it ok. We know its not ok, we have the power to fix it, and men will adjust when we do, we simply have to find the strength within ourselves to believe we deserve it, we are worth it, we are worth fighting for.

One more track change but hopefully I’ll end up in the station I meant to end this journey in.

I started this new diet thing. I’m calling it a diet because that is what it is to me. I’m not big on dieting, I’d rather find ways to be healthy and maintain a healthy weight without radical life changes that can’t be sustained. Regardless, I fell into this one. Without going into details I am taking a hormone daily to boost my metabolism and some other stuff. The science is interesting and seems legit, but we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, I am not one of those girls that would seriously say I’m fat. I mean some days yes, when I’m feeling self conscience or bitter or just having a crappy day, but I’m a girl, it happens. On a day where I’m thinking logically and feeling up to my normal self, I would recognize that although I may wish to be a smaller pant size, I am comfortable in my skin and satisfied with my body. Yet, me, of all people, am taking a hormone to lose weight. How does this happen?

The same way women let men walk all over them. Because we walk all over ourselves first. I love those women who diet, but don’t call it a diet. They say they aren’t trying to lose weight they are just trying to be more healthy. Then a miracle happens – they lose weight! Or they give up after a week or so because nothing is happening. More power to her for convincing, not just everyone else of that, but herself as well. I sincerely hope those women can maintain that attitude forever, but its masking the underlying issues of self worth. See how I keep coming back to self worth? That is truly what it all boils down to, I’m convinced.

Ok I’m going to stop my ranting with this. We need to hold each other up. Men don’t get it (but that doesn’t mean you can’t do your part!). We need to stop calling each other sluts and whores and fat bitches and love one another so maybe one day all of us will be able to love ourselves (too touchy feely?). Side note, have you ever noticed the difference in what men call each other opposed to what women call each other? Men: Bro, Homie, Gangsta… Women: see above. Words speak volumes and we project what we feel about ourselves onto others. Just saying.

Lets boost the cheese up another notch shall we: