Tag Archives: selfish

Valen-ME Day

14 Feb

It is no secret I think Valentine’s Day is a bullshit holiday. I correct myself, it should not even qualify as a holiday. It is simply another way for big business to drum up sheep to spend money. In case you are unaware, the reality behind the “holiday” is a bloody mess (see here if you don’t know what I am talking about).

I don’t often celebrate, significant other or no, because I don’t want to feed the corporate machine more than I already do. I would much rather show my love in 365 little ways than one big way once a year. That being said, it occurred to me this year that perhaps there is someone in my life the day could remind me deserves a little affection…myself.

Self care has been a big focus for me the last six months or so, and I suck at it. It is ten times easier to overwork my body, tear myself down, and ignore the needs of my heart then to spend time putting energy into showing myself the love, patience, and encouragement I pour out to others. In this, I know I am not alone. Many of us are so much better at practicing empathy and tolerance with others and so bad at treating ourselves with that same level of respect. We are our own biggest critics acting as judge, jury, and executioner for the smallest of charges.

This Valentine’s Day I am going to show myself the love I withhold all year. I am going to put energy into what makes ME happy and give myself permission to be selfish. Maybe I will buy myself flowers and chocolates, maybe I will spend the day ignoring my phone and taking a bath, maybe I will leave town and go on a day trip all by myself wherever I want. Who knows! The point is I can use this day for me and give he most important person in my life some attention and consideration. I can give myself the gift of accepting me for me.

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The Inevitability of Existence

5 Jun

We all spend at least some time imagining how we are going to die. It’s a side effect of being human. We know it will inevitably occur, so we can’t help but be curious.

How?

When?

Why?

I used to say I wanted to die quietly in my sleep. Painless. Simple.

More recently, I got it in my head I wanted my death to be quick, but really cool. I wanted people to tell my story and be excited about it. I wanted people to think of my memory with a smile.

As of late, I’ve begun to wonder if I couldn’t die just knowing my existence simply did no harm. I doubt it…but one can hope. I am pretty selfish when all is said and done. I’m sure I’ve already left a scar the sizeof the Grand Canyon in my wake, but still, it’s something to aspire to.

In case you’re wondering, I just finished reading John Green’s “The Fault in our Stars.” Usually I abhor books about death and the Big”C,” books that by nature leave a hole in my heart. I like to read novels with warmth and a happy ending. I read to escape more often than not, not to embrace the harsh realities of a cold world. However, every once in a while, one comes along which I am thankful to have taken in because it leaves something else with me in place of the hole.

I had this really great thought earlier while I was reading and I wish I had written it down, but I wonder what kind of person I would be if I knew I was dying sooner rather than later. Would I be the optimistic, grateful-for-every-small-experience person? Or will I be bitter, resentful, and snappy? Maybe somewhere in the middle. I am pretty upbeat about just about everything, but I am also a realist, weak and tawdry. I do know for  fact that I would have a zero tolerance policy for sappy well wishers, pretending to make it about me but really making it about them.

One practical resolution I have gleaned, however, is not to feel bad about spending, for example, $600 on a plane ticket in a few weeks. I may not have cancer, but I do have a limited amount of sunrises. I would rather be a little irresponsible and spend my time and effort celebrating life with the people I care about, having experiences that make my life feel full, that not see tomorrow and regretting missed opportunities.

The point is that we do not now when our last good day will be so we owe it to the universe to participate and to give back what we have been gifted.

“‘Sometimes it seems the universe wants to be noticed.’ That’s what I believe. I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it – or my observation of it – is temporary?”

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

17 Feb

There are things in our lives that are out of our control and which we cannot change. When we encounter these things, we have three options.

  1. We can live in agony, obsessing over it, and believing we will simply have to remain miserable until the pain dulls.
  2. We can run away from it and mask it with other things that allow us to forget to some degree.
  3. We can accept it and find a way to incorporate it into our reality.

Obviously, not all of these are healthy. More often than not, however, we take the easy paths of misery or forgetfulness because adjusting our terms of how we encounter the world is an arduous process.

We are selfish beings. It is who we are and the sooner we can see that, the easier option number three is. Being selfish and only allowing ourselves to see the world through out specific lens, means that we have a difficult time accepting things that others see in a way we do not. More often than not, the situations that are beyond our control stem from someone else seeing something differently than we do.

In this instance, and the whole reason I am even on this tangent, is because of Toga. At some point I’m sure I will chronicle out whole stupid story, but for now the basic gist is that we are friends, I want more, and he does not.

It has been a long process; one that is still ever changing and adjusting, but maintaining our friendship when we are both on very distinctive pages in this has been, to say the least, complex. At the end of the day, it was and is a situation I have had to accept I cannot change and either walk away from or find a way to incorporate it into my life. There was a time, not too long ago (read “Does this mean I have to be an adult now??”), which I thought it would be easiest to walk away. I was wrong, although I can’t say that I have consistently been confident in that decision since.

It isn’t about consistency though. It is a moment-to-moment battle. It is a decision that has to be made again and again. But sitting here, watching him tinker with his newest car project for the last few hours, I can’t help but think it’s a battle I’ll continue to come out on the same side of. Sometimes a little heartache is good for us, makes us stronger, and it does get easier if they are worth having in your life. The biggest question is whether or not you can live with the choices you make.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Its Only TUESDAY!

27 Mar

I realized today its been a while since I posted and that is unacceptable!

I also realized that in just over a month I will be in Vegas with the love of my life (TOGA). Shortly after that adventure I will go to Phoenix to see LP. You know its going to be a good time when you get into a city on the day of prayer, leave on Nurses’ Day and get to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in the middle.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how things change. Life goes by in the blink of an eye. The people that you spend the majority of your time with one day, you barely speak to the next. Shit happens. Lately, I’m assuming because of my age, its been graduation, marriage, babies, moving, jobs…

I feel that I have gotten bitter and cynical because I keep putting in the effort, while everyone else moves on without me.

This has lead me to two conclusions…one, some people never gave a real shit in the first place, two, some people are even more selfish than I am.

I realize that these are both negative assumptions, and maybe its just life getting in the way, but I travel across the world to see the people I care about, and once I allow you into my life I care about you forever. People leave an imprint on my heart and I find it hard to just let that go.

I guess we’re all wired differently, I just wish I didn’t feel so disposable.

But enough with the negative, I choose to dwell on the positive, and soon enough I will get a chance to be with two of my favorite people in the whole world and that had made this Tuesday exciting and worthwhile. My advice of the day: keep the ones you care about close to your heart, because you ever know how much time you will get to have with them.