Tag Archives: spiral

Acceptance

22 Jun

I wrote a post a while back about not needing to define myself with labels. I still feel labels are meaningless. They aren’t a definition of who we are, just a generic way to try to explain ourselves.

I also talked in that post about how I had never felt the need to try to define myself to my parents, particularly concerning my sexuality. This has been on my mind a lot as of late.

I was recently blessed to be part of a wedding of two dear friends I have made since moving to Arizona. These ladies are committed and beautiful human beings who I feel enhance my life more than I would have imagined. They are those friends you meet and become close almost instantaneously and know they are important practically from the start.

Sharing in their special day was exhilarating for many reasons. First, because we live in an age where it is becoming more acceptable for anyone who loves each other to express that love how they choose (Side note, the day before their wedding ceremony which was to be held in Wisconsin and then legalized later that week in Minnesota, Wisconsin passed a bill which would allow same-sex marriages to be legal in that state. Cool, right!). Second, because this particular wedding was so life affirming, and on a more personal level, I was genuinely happy for them with no taint of any other misgivings.

A week later, I was skyping with my parents for Fathers’ Day and they asked about my trip. They knew I had gone to a wedding, but they also knew I had gone with Michigan, and we had made a detour on the way back to go to Chicago. Knowing my parents, I focused less on the wedding and more on Michigan and the rest of the trip.

My mother, however, had other ideas. She did not ask about the wedding itself, but rather posed the question, “So, why did they feel the need to get married?” To which my response was, “Why did you and dad get married?” As you can imagine this is going nowhere good. Her response was, “Well, hunny, because your father and I were a boy and a girl.” “No, mom you did not get married because you were a boy and a girl, you got married because you loved each other and wanted to share that with your friends and family before God.”

And the spiral continued until we were yelling at each other.

I take what she says personally. She doesn’t know why, because she doesn’t know me. I don’t need her to know me to be happy, but this week I have been mulling over whether I haven’t told them I am not as straight as they think I am because of the reasons I have written previously, or because deep down I know that if I did, she would never accept me and arguments like this one would only get worse.

It is an odd feeling to know on some level your mother wouldn’t love you as much if she really knew who you were.

I am almost 27 years old, shouldn’t I have already gotten past this life crisis?

In truth, it is not just my sexuality they wouldn’t understand, it is all of it. In analyzing how we interact, it is because they don’t know me that we are allowed to continue as we do. I move farther and farther away to avoid dealing with it. The farther I am, the less they need to know. I wonder sometimes if they even know how clueless they are.

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Depression…what a bitch!

20 Apr

I hate to whine and make people listen to my problems. You know its bad when I can’t find an appropriate level of positivity to hold up a conversation. I have to admit that even I, with ability to always find the silver lining and snap myself out of a funk within a day or two, have hit a great big wall that’s making it hard to get out of bed.

Feeling that you are one heartbeat away from failing is a hard feeling to fight. You start at the top of this spiral where confidence is high and your determination is strong. Then with each road block your confidence and determination are slowly chipped away at. When one decreases the other falls with it. Then what fills up the space that is left is fear and hopelessness. Once the equilibrium is more fear/hopelessness than confidence/determination, its hard to get out of bed and do anything to help yourself out of the hole.

This my friends is depression at its finest. We all get there at some point in our lives, some more intensely than others, but if you’ve ever had a day it felt better to stay in bed with the blinds closed sleeping and having hours long marathons of tv shows you don’t even care about, than get up, take a shower, and do even the slightest thing to make the situation better, you know what I’m talking about.

I meant to start this post days ago, but instead wallowed, watched A LOT of netflix, and considered buying a plane ticket home. Of course the concept of living with my parents and abandoning all my things was enough of a deterrent, so now, days later, or like a week, I have almost come to terms with where I’m at and begun making a new plan.

How did I get here? Well it all started with the death of Skittles. Not having a car has made getting a job hard, which led me in an act of desperation to buy a car at a car auction with half of my remaining savings. The car is, and I’m being nice when I say this, a dirty whore bitch with more problems than I can even consider.

Hind sight is 20/20 and mine is crystal clear. I know exactly what I would do to not have ended up here, but none the less, here I am and I can either continue to wallow until I am left with no choices at all, or rebuild. Its still hard and I’m still struggling, and part of me wants to cry pretty much every second of the day, but life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you have to get off your privileged high horse and  take a very large bite of reality, knowing that in the end it will make you a better, stronger person.

Saying this out loud helps. I repeat it to myself constantly. There is always someone who has it worse off than you do. I am not in a good place necessarily, but I have all my basic needs met and still enough audacity to have some self-pity. I’m sure in the months to come it will continue to be hard and I’ll still have days that I want to swallow a handful of vicodin. However, I am blessed with a vast support group of friends and family, who, even from thousands of miles away for the most part, still manage to make me feel loved and reassured. THAT is what keeps me going, THAT is how I get out of bed everyday, and no matter how bad things get, I will forever be thankful for those people.

Side note: as I was writing this it reminded me of another blog I had read a while back. The entire things is great, she’s freaking hilarious, until the last post and I haven’t seen anything new since *sadface* Check it out – Adventures in Depression