Tag Archives: stress

Every Blessing Comes with a set of Curses

7 May

You know the saying. Hindsight is 20/20. That’s all well and good except that most days I wish I could see the future as well as I can see the past. Not even the details, just the vague outline. But that’s what its all about right? Not knowing. Jumping into the abyss day after day and hoping you come out the other side with no major injuries. I mean, in reality, sometimes even the past takes some time to come into focus. It could be months, years, even decades before it all makes sense.

This is starting to sound decidedly negative-y which was not my intention in the least. I guess I’m just feeling reflective…or something.

Really I wanted to share some big news. As of this week, I am officially employed! (Jumps up and down in a very cheerleader type fashion) Not almost employed like before when I got all excited, but for real employed and starting on Monday. Clearly I have mixed feelings about it. It would be out of the norm for me to just simply be satisfied, let’s be honest. I am thankful to have a job again, something to do with my days, and an actual income. I am excited to start catching up on bills and start the arduous process of rebuilding my savings account. I am ecstatic to stop being anxious about failing in this great endeavor and having to return home with my head hung in shame. Seriously, probably would have become a hermit if that had happened for at least 6 months.

However, I can’t help but not be as excited as I could be. Reality did not meet expectation in the end and part of me is severely disappointed. I feel like I’m taking a huge step back. I guess starting over means starting from scratch, but I was kind of hoping I could start everything else over and still maintain the progress I had built in my career path. Perhaps that was too much to ask for.

The job is in a residential facility for teen coping with mental health and substance abuse. I’ve done this before so I know I can do it again, but I left originally for a reason. Its a lot of stress, a shit schedule, and the pay cut is significant. It IS in my field so its going to pay off in the end, but the question is how long the waiting will take.

I put a six month time stamp on it. I will work my ass off and focus on the positive until then. After I put in the time (and get financially stable again) then I can kick it into high gear and find something I actually want and can feel passionate about again. Not to say that I’ll entirely stop looking for six months or that if something works out that is better for me then I won’t take it, I just refuse to stress over it until then.

In other news, TOGA is all done fixing the bitch whore and soon she will be sold and a little extra cash will be coming my way.

In other boy news, add another one to the list. LP and I have been getting to know our new downstairs neighbors. There’s three guys, all single, but one of them, Jack-of-all-trades, and I have been spending a lot of time together. It started a couple weeks ago. LP had been out, I was partying with people at the complex, when she came home there were more people that came with her…one of those nights. As the night quieted down, LP, one of the Parasites, and I were outside on our porch-esque area having a conversation when we heard the guys downstairs. LP being LP said something and one thing lead to another before we were all outside their apartment making introductions and chatting. Jack is a talker to say the least and has some pretty amazing stories to tell and if you have caught on about LP much, she can get pretty social herself. Personally I was commenting where I had an input, but mostly just enjoying the atmosphere.

The one thing I do remember talking about was my situation which at the time was still jobless and getting short on the financial side. Jack has a few projects he’s working on and said in a mostly off-hand way that he might be able to help me out. It was a nice thing to say, but I didn’t put much stock into it, I mean I had JUST met him. However, a few days later, there he was outside his apartment again when I came home in the afternoon from some distraction, and asked me if I had a second to talk. We went into his apartment, he told me about this project he’s been working on, and details about how I could get involved. Since then, I’ve been helping out where I can, less for the money, more because his personality makes it so hard to say no. Jack is very open and make you feel comfortable just by how he holds himself. Sometimes we hang out and work on something for his business, sometimes we just hang out, but I always lose track of time. I’m not getting all girly here, just stating facts.

Regardless of what happens with Jack, or with the job, or anything else that is in the development stages, I finally feel a bit more at peace and that is a nice feeling. The temperature is on the rise and so am I. New adventures await.

PS Happy Cinco de Mayo…meant to stick that story in here, but got a little carried away. Suffice it to say, it did not go as expected…aka I was convinced I could stay sober then ended up in bed (FULLY CLOTHED!) with two guys.

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The Marriage of Moving

26 Jan

Moving is like getting married. Before the proposal you get confused, so many questions run through your mind over and over. Is this the right time? Am I choosing the right one? Should I wait for something better? Am I financially stable enough? What about my family? My friends? And so many others. Then its time, THE question is asked and there is no other answer to give, but yes or no.

You hover somewhere between panic and the thrilling sense of adventure, nerves tingling, head buzzing with all the things you have spent way too much time contemplating in a haze of deliberation. It feels like it takes an eternity, but in reality, the answer escapes you in a flash, based on a culmination of heart and logic. Yes. As soon as the word bursts into the universe you are overcome with relief. The decision is made; you can relax for a moment, take a deep breath.

All of a sudden all of your concerns seem trite. You wonder why you ever doubted because everything just feels so right. You are overcome with joy and excitement. The world is bright and something inside you sings in anticipation.

Then come the baby steps in the planning process. Each one inching you closer to the reality of your decision coming to fruition. Each one bringing its own reminders of the worries you set aside. At first you are still jubilant, but eventually, as with everything else in life, everything begins to even out, come to a balance again.

As the days pass and plans continue to be set in motion, the uncertainties bubble and brew insecurity. It’s terrifying, too terrifying for words. Change always is. The bigger the change, the more times you seriously consider jumping the train. Every time you are on the edge, however, you look ahead and you look behind. You look behind to remind yourself why you ended up here, all of the choices that have brought you to this moment. You look ahead to remember all the wonderful things that this decision will bring. You step back from the edge and decide yet again that you will not remain stagnant; you will not choose to live a mediocre life.

The day arrives and all the stress you have somehow managed to maintain at a manageable level washes over you in waves. You aren’t thinking about your decision, only all the things that could go wrong to ruin your perfect moment. You surround yourself with friends and family to keep your head on straight and convince you it’s going to be ok. The day passes, you don’t explode, and whether or not its perfect, the moment comes and you enter a new phase of your life.

Now, I’ve never gotten married, but I have watched a lot of marriages happen. It is the closest thing I have seen to the process I go through every time I make a giant life decision. I have recently made one of those GLDs and I’m still somewhere in the beginning phases. I’ve said yes, and plans have begun to take form, but its still in the unreal charm of exhilaration. I’m terrified, but it’s only a low hum in some corner of my mind for now.

This Boston girl is moving to the desert, Arizona to be precise. It’s the most extreme thing I’ve done probably ever and it’s already very bittersweet. I’m going to miss so many people and whenever I dwell too long the tears swell. My family and my supports are here, but life isn’t meant to be lived in a comfortable bubble. I will not be the girl who has never lived outside of New England. I want adventure in the great wide somewhere (yes, I’ve been channeling Belle for a few days now) and I refuse to allow myself to say no to an opportunity I’ll always wish I had taken. Leaving may be hard, but staying would be harder.

Besides, I could not have asked for a more exciting living situation. How many times in my life will I get the chance to live with my best friend? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am moving in with LP. If I’m honest with myself, I know it very well could end in disaster, but I think we have both decided to make sure it doesn’t. We’re all adults here after all.

More details on that adventure to come, for now I’ll leave you with the anticipation.