Tag Archives: support group

Michigan

31 May

The hardest thing I do in my life is to accept I have control over nothing. Sometimes I get it spot on, let go, and find contentment. Then something changes, there is a shift in the status quo and my world is flipped in ways I couldn’t have predicted. It is then that I realize I didn’t actually accept my inability to shape my universe, I simply became comfortable with the direction things were going. Change is inevitable, changes you create yourself are necessary, but they also make you crazy.

I have mentioned once or twice one of those huge changes in life, a new piece to the puzzle which I can now see is shifting my world and making me second guess everything and myself in the process.

Eight months ago in October I started dating this amazing man who I fell for almost immediately. He is kind and generous and rocks my socks in bed. He doesn’t complain that I do my own thing and accepts my crazy, loving me not despite of it, but because of it. On paper he is exactly what I need and despite his flaws, of which I have found few, I have yet to come across anyone in real life that would be more perfect for me.

The problem, however, is that he lives in Michigan. How did that happen? Well by the powers of the internet of course! It is a long story, but short version is that we were both part of this online fitness support group. Out of the blue one day he started messaging me, one thing led to another and flirting turned to feelings which eventually lead to an actual visit. We started talking not long after I moved to Arizona and so the idea never even crossed my mind that this innocent dalliance would ever become more. My life was too unstable for any relationship, let along a long distance one, it was just supposed to be a fun distraction.

Then the distraction lasted all summer, my life became more stable, and my dalliance began to look more sincere. I was in love with him by the time we met in real life, I just hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. It took one weekend, one drunken night and a fight with his best friend for me to admit, crying at a bus stop, that I needed him. Miraculously, despite the tears running down my face, he said he wasn’t letting me go.

It hasn’t been easy. I am not one to be content with happy feelings for very long. I push, I scream, I run in the opposite direction. Which is exactly what I started doing after a few months. Each time it happens, however, he is right there telling me it is ok that I am scared, but he will keep chasing.

This may in fact be a highly romanticized version of reality, but you aren’t here for reality and this is close enough that I am ok seeing it this way.

I don’t always know what to do with all of this, and a part of me wants to run for the hills, end it now before it implodes in on itself. A bigger part of me can’t imagine being that cowardly. I wish I had a plan, I wish I knew it was going to end well for us, but there are only two options: happiness and misery. The misery is the part that scares me, it is a misery I have not allowed into my life for quite some time. Accepting its inevitability if I can’t solve this puzzle is something I am having a hard time doing. However, there is no going back and we can only accept the choices we make and have faith that we are strong enough to face whatever end the path brings.

What I do know for sure is that I haven’t wanted to fight this hard for many people in my lifetime and even fewer have wanted to fight with me.

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Depression…what a bitch!

20 Apr

I hate to whine and make people listen to my problems. You know its bad when I can’t find an appropriate level of positivity to hold up a conversation. I have to admit that even I, with ability to always find the silver lining and snap myself out of a funk within a day or two, have hit a great big wall that’s making it hard to get out of bed.

Feeling that you are one heartbeat away from failing is a hard feeling to fight. You start at the top of this spiral where confidence is high and your determination is strong. Then with each road block your confidence and determination are slowly chipped away at. When one decreases the other falls with it. Then what fills up the space that is left is fear and hopelessness. Once the equilibrium is more fear/hopelessness than confidence/determination, its hard to get out of bed and do anything to help yourself out of the hole.

This my friends is depression at its finest. We all get there at some point in our lives, some more intensely than others, but if you’ve ever had a day it felt better to stay in bed with the blinds closed sleeping and having hours long marathons of tv shows you don’t even care about, than get up, take a shower, and do even the slightest thing to make the situation better, you know what I’m talking about.

I meant to start this post days ago, but instead wallowed, watched A LOT of netflix, and considered buying a plane ticket home. Of course the concept of living with my parents and abandoning all my things was enough of a deterrent, so now, days later, or like a week, I have almost come to terms with where I’m at and begun making a new plan.

How did I get here? Well it all started with the death of Skittles. Not having a car has made getting a job hard, which led me in an act of desperation to buy a car at a car auction with half of my remaining savings. The car is, and I’m being nice when I say this, a dirty whore bitch with more problems than I can even consider.

Hind sight is 20/20 and mine is crystal clear. I know exactly what I would do to not have ended up here, but none the less, here I am and I can either continue to wallow until I am left with no choices at all, or rebuild. Its still hard and I’m still struggling, and part of me wants to cry pretty much every second of the day, but life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you have to get off your privileged high horse and  take a very large bite of reality, knowing that in the end it will make you a better, stronger person.

Saying this out loud helps. I repeat it to myself constantly. There is always someone who has it worse off than you do. I am not in a good place necessarily, but I have all my basic needs met and still enough audacity to have some self-pity. I’m sure in the months to come it will continue to be hard and I’ll still have days that I want to swallow a handful of vicodin. However, I am blessed with a vast support group of friends and family, who, even from thousands of miles away for the most part, still manage to make me feel loved and reassured. THAT is what keeps me going, THAT is how I get out of bed everyday, and no matter how bad things get, I will forever be thankful for those people.

Side note: as I was writing this it reminded me of another blog I had read a while back. The entire things is great, she’s freaking hilarious, until the last post and I haven’t seen anything new since *sadface* Check it out – Adventures in Depression