Tag Archives: TOGA

Tethered Hearts

21 May

Friendship, a good, solid friendship, isn’t really about knowing the everyday tiny details of someone else’s life. Tiny details are windows, means to an end, a way of comprehending perspective and filling conversation. They are added bonuses to knowing someone; they create a path to becoming friends; and the more details someone feels comfortable sharing, the more comfortable you know they feel with you. Once the friendship is formed, however, I don’t believe details are necessarily necessary.

A friendship, a long-lasting, soul-expanding, feels-the-same-no-matter-how-much-time-goes-by friendship, is built on so much more than tiny snipets of work stories and social circle drama. That kind of friendship comes from connection, from seeing inside someone special who changes you and makes you want to be better, and them feeling the same about you. This kind of friendship touches you profoundly and ties two hearts together beyond time and space (insert Doctor Who parody here).

I have been lucky enough to find a few of these connections throughout my existence, each coming to me at times I needed them and staying with me despite all the turns and pitfalls that have defined them.

Monica was the first. She was unexpected because she found me when I felt unloveable and unwanted. I have talked about the person I was when I was younger-quiet, anxiety-ridden, lonely. She was the opposite (at least that is how I saw her). She was loud, boisterous, social, and unafraid, all the things I wished I could be. I met her in my church youth group and it didn’t take long for us to become inseparable. She helped me break down my shell I had been living in so that when I left for college I could finally shed it fully and leave the infinitesimal, insecure girl I had been in the past and eventually become the woman I am today. College was hard on us, however. We ended up going to different schools not that far away and it was hard finding a balance between our relationship and the new life I was creating. College changes people and that was true for both of us. It was hard to be who we had been in high school.

Miraculously, we held on and although after college wasn’t much easier and we fought a lot, there remains this tether that connects us to one another. Within the last year, for example, she sent me a message saying she didn’t want to be my friend anymore because it was so hard with me being so far away. A few months later she found me again. Time changes us and makes it hard, but you can’t not be friends with someone who shares a piece of who you are.

The second friend I want to talk about is TOGA. Unrequited love turned sour currently defines us I suppose, but before the bad, was a good, very good friendship. I met him when I was dating Mr. Wrong and despite the ugly ending to that relationship with his best friend, we managed to get closer instead of ceasing to exist. He was my escape, my exploration of thinking beyond my bubble of comfortability, my haven when shit got hard. He was always up for a fun adventure or to sit on the couch and watch mind-numbing television (Jersey Shore anybody). We were each other’s sanity and insanity and everything in between. Then things got weird and I couldn’t just be his friend anymore. I wish I had handled things differently, but I didn’t. Now, we are each dating other people and it is hard finding an “us” again that makes sense. Despite all this he still feels like home.

Finally, there is the newest addition to the bunch. Rogers. Rogers was the cool coworker when I started my job in Arizona. She was someone I wished I could get to know, but my residual shy-ness wouldn’t let me make the first move. I don’t entirely remember how it started, but I do know it was all her. She invited me over for the first time, she figured out our mutual love of football, she was the outgoing, talkative one that created the prepossessing thing that emerged. Less than a year, that is what took to become something I have a hard time living without. In that time I have seen her get married, reunite with her father, and move across the country to Wisconsin. I now know that love can grow quickly and sneak up on you, but it follows you and digs in. I think my friendship with Rogers is so strong because of all the others that have come before, taught me what mistakes to avoid and where to shore up and build on. We talk less now that she moved, I hear less of her details, but we still share what is bothering us, what is making us happy, and which emotions we are feeling on any given day. I can’t wait to visit to get a more extensive picture of how she is living now, but it is not entirely necessary.

Before she moved we got tattoos to commemorate the time we have had thus far…

tat

I don’t have a picture of hers, but it’s not as awesome lol.

There are others I considered mentioning in this post, because clearly there are others with echos in my life. SMC who was like a sister in college, but who I can’t see a future with right now. Sloth who is complicated in his own right. Wizard and RSCowboy who are just always around when I need them. Anarchy is in the infancy of being something great. Then, of course, Lucky Penny who has inspired and challenged me to live a life that is more than what I ever expected it could be. I love them all, but all their stories will just have to be saved for another day.

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Year End Reflections

28 Dec

Reflections #Pinterest

 10 Highlights…

  1. Going to San Diego in August.

Not only was this my first time in California, putting my toes in the Pacific waters, but it was also a long needed roomie/bestie trip with LP. We had a total blast for four days and enjoyed some sun, sand, and shenanigans.

  1. Mom and Dad coming to visit in April.

So many things happened during the two weeks they were here. I failed at hosting my first holiday (see below), they met Michigan for the first time (only the second time they have met a significant other), and we went on a four day road trip to see Sedona, The Grand Canyon, and Vegas (their first, and probably last, time).

  1. Speaking of Michigan (the man), he was a huge part of my year as well.

All of his visits were definitely highlights and something that made this year bearable at times. From him coming in March when we went to a Cubs game and the Renaissance Fair, to spending out first holiday together over Thanksgiving, every one was special and left me wanting more. We also celebrated ONE WHOLE YEAR together in October, which still blows my mind.

  1. My visit to Michigan (the state) in January also falls under the highlights category.

Not only did I get to Michigan(theman)’s home and meet his family, but I got to check off a whole new state from places to see before I die.

  1. Rogers and The Viking’s Wedding.

This June occasion was momentous for a few reasons. First, two of my dear friends tied the knot and even asked me to be a part of their beautiful day. Second, I got to go on a mini road trip with Michigan including a ferry ride across Lake Michigan (this Michigan thing is getting very confusing, note to self, consider new nic name…other note to self, no nic names after places anymore). Third, I checked off two more states with a visit to Madison, Wisconsin for the wedding and Chicago, Illinois on the way home. Fourth, Chicago!

  1. Anytime I get to go to Vegas is always on my list.

This year I had the pleasure of going twice! The first time was in March when TOGA and gang went for a week. I drove up for a night and although not as amazing as I had hoped, still mention-worthy. The second was for my 27th birthday. I got to share a long weekend with friends and have a roller coaster of a time with all the ups and downs you have to expect when Vegas is part of the equation.

  1. I am grouping together two outings for number seven because the bonding element they have was that I was able to share them with The Viking and Rogers:

*Monument Tour in August (Seeing Paramore is always epic and seeing Fall Out Boy along with them….there are no words!)

*Arizona Cardinals v. Detroit Lions in November (Football, friends, stadium full of screaming fans….what is here no to love)

  1. I am devoting number 8 to two anniversaries that fell in the last year.

The first was one year in Arizona in March and the second was one year at The New Foundation in May. This has been the most intense adventure of my life so far, but every step has been worth it. Mistakes included, I have become a better person, and even though my job is not he best, it is a stepping stone to higher goals (one which I very soon hope to step off of).

  1. The Biggest Loser competition I orchestrated at work in June/July (and almost won).

A lot more commitment running the show than I thought, but definitely a fun time for my crazy organized side. It was a close race and I am proud to say I worked hard to push myself to be better.

  1. Last but not least, although it may seem minor, I got contacts again for the first time since high school which has allowed me to have much more comfort while riding my bike to work and going to yoga.

**I would like to make honorable mention of two other events, which did not quite make the top ten, but none-the-less are worth mentioning.

Saint Patrick’s Day – An eventful day after which I could not look at Thai Curry the same way again.

Home for Christmas – The only reason I am suspecting this did not bump one of the other contenders above is because as I am writing this list, it has not yet happened.

10 Disappointments…

(In no particular order)

  1. My second DUI.

Between the horrific jail experience, the financial insecurity, the hassle of having an interlock in my car, and the enormous time commitment this has required, it trumps any other failure I have had this year.

  1. Not getting the job as AYSF.

Liz recommended me, I felt more than qualified, but due to my license issue, it was not meant to be.

  1. Missing Riot Fest in Denver with Anarchy.

Such an amazing opportunity wasted again because of the DUI fallout (seeing a pattern yet?). Then to see pictures and hear stories when Anarchy got back, ugh!

  1. Not seeing the Patriots when they came to play the Chargers in San Diego.

No money, no ticket, and LP is in the habit of ditching me anyway.

  1. The fallout with TOGA.

He got into a relationship, I don’t understand, we haven’t talked since. I realize his is probably an unhealthy reaction on my part, but I am not ready to come to terms with it yet.

  1. Decline in relationship with LP.

Although I expect tensions to ease when we are no longer roommates, there are definite differences to our friendship, which are not all entirely fixable.

  1. Being unable to fly back East for an entire year.

And in the process missing out on some pretty big life events friends have been experiencing. Feeling homesick is not a fun feeling.

  1. Misusing a lot of my time.

Whether it was due to laziness, depression, exhaustion, etc. I was not the best at making use of my time wisely.

  1. Easter Dinner.

I wanted Easter to be this impressive affair where I cooked for my family and my boyfriend and everyone was impressed with my hosting skills. I left myself no time and we went out to dinner instead.

  1. Continuing to be church-less.

It is a need I have been feeling I need to fill again, but between work and social anxiety, it hasn’t happened yet.

3 Game Changers…

  1. DUI

I am sure you can see the pattern above. It had affected every aspect of my life.

  1. Switching to IOP

It has been a fun and skill-building experience, bringing me closer to a co-worker and providing me with a little more freedom at work.

  1. Building a relationship with Rogers and the Viking.

They have been supportive and fun, really adding my connection to Arizona and my life here. I really believe that if there was no other reason to have moved here, they would have been more than enough to make it worth while. I will be sad when they moved back to Minnesota.

3 Things I focused on…

  1. Michigan

He is dear to my heart and I have spent a lot of time cultivating a strong, healthy relationship.

  1. Work

Not always my favorite place to be, but useful in developing skills and getting out of debt.

  1. Yoga

Being healthy is an up and down battle for me, but yoga has given me a hobby that pushes me to want to make goals and actually reach them. It fuses the body control aspect I once found so addicting in dance and the strength-building benefits I have been trying to accomplish, plus a side of meditation. Mind, body, and soul working together.

3 Things I forgot…

  1. Applying for Grad School

As I am writing this, there is still time to squeak that in under the wire, but I have my doubts. There is always next year (she said once again).

  1. Figuring out a better solution for my student loan problem.

For years now I have been battling with Salliemae just to get them to give me some small relief from the debt I have collected. After hearing about a couple different programs I may be eligible for, I have still done little more than minor research around them.

  1. Therapy.

Several times this year I felt I had hi a wall. Being in mental health I am a huge advocate for reaching out for support from professionals when life becomes too overwhelming. I still struggle to take my own advice.

Reflection…

I can’t say this year has been easy, nor can I say I have always been happy, but that is life. This year was more difficult than others, but out of adversity comes strength. I regret things that have happened, they will continue to affect me for years to come. However, that is not what I want to focus on as the year closes out. I want to focus on the relationships that have been built on love and acceptance. The changes that have lead my family and I to come to new understandings of one another. Big goals for the future and new roads I have been lead down. Life will never be easy, and I am thankful to have things to look back on that brought light even to he darkest of places. Here is to a year full of challenges and overcoming them.

Unwinding Disilussion

3 Oct

The more I let go of my past, the more I realize how tightly I have been holding on to things that I should have left behind long ago. The harsh side effect of this is that I have not been fully embracing the future my current path is leading me towards. There is a vast difference between missing things and trying to build on crumbling foundations.

TOGA has a girlfriend. She is someone I know…and do not respect. More importantly, she is not me. After spending half an hour on the floor crying one of those body-racking cries the night I found out, it was obvious I have yet to let go of the future I had hoped for with him. All of this despite the one year anniversary on the horizon with Michigan.

Whoever says you can’t love two people at once is full of crap. I love Michigan in a very life-consuming way. I want to share my entire being with him in a way I haven’t wanted to share it with anyone in a very long time. There is nothing uncomfortable about our relationship and we accept each other where we are at completely. I love TOGA too. My love for him is lasting and stagnant. I love him with a yearning for something that will never be. Furthermore, I have been unable to accept the impossibility of the situation.

It is time to start seeing it and letting it take hold. I have yet to decide if doing so will mean extricating him from my life entirely or finding a way to heal before allowing the relationship to continue. It is very clear that regardless of the solution, it is unfair to Michigan and unfair to myself to make no change whatsoever.

Letting go is hard, but what comes next can be so much better if the heart is allowed some room to breathe.

Brunette Bitches

23 Oct

***This was legitimately written a couple years ago, one of my first drunk tirades actually (AAAWWWWW). I never finished it because I passed out and could never find the appropriate level of rage again. I don’t remember the context, but I do remember the girl and I still hate her to this day despite TOGA continuing to insist on maintaining his friendship with her.***

In general I consider myself somewhat of a drunk bitch. Tonight I am caught up in the phenomenon that is me and the people I chose to surround myself with. In general, I feel as though I eventually figure it out, but I always end up attracting the annoying individuals in the process. Maybe its me.

I’m talking about Furburger right now (and she has earned her name through Toga and the like…I don’t think even I could stoop to give her a name so low).

If you can’t tell I’m drunk…and in the northern country. I miss it up here, but instead of getting al sappy and reminiscent, I’m going to get bitchy and judgmental.

Every Blessing Comes with a set of Curses

7 May

You know the saying. Hindsight is 20/20. That’s all well and good except that most days I wish I could see the future as well as I can see the past. Not even the details, just the vague outline. But that’s what its all about right? Not knowing. Jumping into the abyss day after day and hoping you come out the other side with no major injuries. I mean, in reality, sometimes even the past takes some time to come into focus. It could be months, years, even decades before it all makes sense.

This is starting to sound decidedly negative-y which was not my intention in the least. I guess I’m just feeling reflective…or something.

Really I wanted to share some big news. As of this week, I am officially employed! (Jumps up and down in a very cheerleader type fashion) Not almost employed like before when I got all excited, but for real employed and starting on Monday. Clearly I have mixed feelings about it. It would be out of the norm for me to just simply be satisfied, let’s be honest. I am thankful to have a job again, something to do with my days, and an actual income. I am excited to start catching up on bills and start the arduous process of rebuilding my savings account. I am ecstatic to stop being anxious about failing in this great endeavor and having to return home with my head hung in shame. Seriously, probably would have become a hermit if that had happened for at least 6 months.

However, I can’t help but not be as excited as I could be. Reality did not meet expectation in the end and part of me is severely disappointed. I feel like I’m taking a huge step back. I guess starting over means starting from scratch, but I was kind of hoping I could start everything else over and still maintain the progress I had built in my career path. Perhaps that was too much to ask for.

The job is in a residential facility for teen coping with mental health and substance abuse. I’ve done this before so I know I can do it again, but I left originally for a reason. Its a lot of stress, a shit schedule, and the pay cut is significant. It IS in my field so its going to pay off in the end, but the question is how long the waiting will take.

I put a six month time stamp on it. I will work my ass off and focus on the positive until then. After I put in the time (and get financially stable again) then I can kick it into high gear and find something I actually want and can feel passionate about again. Not to say that I’ll entirely stop looking for six months or that if something works out that is better for me then I won’t take it, I just refuse to stress over it until then.

In other news, TOGA is all done fixing the bitch whore and soon she will be sold and a little extra cash will be coming my way.

In other boy news, add another one to the list. LP and I have been getting to know our new downstairs neighbors. There’s three guys, all single, but one of them, Jack-of-all-trades, and I have been spending a lot of time together. It started a couple weeks ago. LP had been out, I was partying with people at the complex, when she came home there were more people that came with her…one of those nights. As the night quieted down, LP, one of the Parasites, and I were outside on our porch-esque area having a conversation when we heard the guys downstairs. LP being LP said something and one thing lead to another before we were all outside their apartment making introductions and chatting. Jack is a talker to say the least and has some pretty amazing stories to tell and if you have caught on about LP much, she can get pretty social herself. Personally I was commenting where I had an input, but mostly just enjoying the atmosphere.

The one thing I do remember talking about was my situation which at the time was still jobless and getting short on the financial side. Jack has a few projects he’s working on and said in a mostly off-hand way that he might be able to help me out. It was a nice thing to say, but I didn’t put much stock into it, I mean I had JUST met him. However, a few days later, there he was outside his apartment again when I came home in the afternoon from some distraction, and asked me if I had a second to talk. We went into his apartment, he told me about this project he’s been working on, and details about how I could get involved. Since then, I’ve been helping out where I can, less for the money, more because his personality makes it so hard to say no. Jack is very open and make you feel comfortable just by how he holds himself. Sometimes we hang out and work on something for his business, sometimes we just hang out, but I always lose track of time. I’m not getting all girly here, just stating facts.

Regardless of what happens with Jack, or with the job, or anything else that is in the development stages, I finally feel a bit more at peace and that is a nice feeling. The temperature is on the rise and so am I. New adventures await.

PS Happy Cinco de Mayo…meant to stick that story in here, but got a little carried away. Suffice it to say, it did not go as expected…aka I was convinced I could stay sober then ended up in bed (FULLY CLOTHED!) with two guys.

He’s Just Not That Into You

11 Apr

I no longer understand men. Or maybe I never did and I’ve just been bragging that I had them cornered for too long.

Out of all the things I thought I have learned over the years, I am constantly being proven wrong, over and over again. I don’t “love” easily, but I “like” quickly. I am a sucker for attention and I want my happily ever after so badly that sometimes I see it where it doesn’t exist.

That has never kept me from trying.

I was watching “He’s Just Not That Insto You” again for the thousandth time tonight while talking to not only Toga, but the Hipster too. My feelings toward both are complicated and strange and…well so many things except for simple.

Its at moments like this I wish I could see the future. Maybe not even the whole future, just the vague idea of what the future might be. Then at least I’d have a road map, however crude it might be. I wouldn’t pine for the men that I know I’ll never have and ignore the ones that might actually be worth my time.

No tea leaves, no horoscopes, no trying to invent truth serum or use the force to extract information. That shit’s exhausting.

PS the Hipster really just wasn’t that into me…but he liked the head so he kept coming back. Fucking hipsters

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

17 Feb

There are things in our lives that are out of our control and which we cannot change. When we encounter these things, we have three options.

  1. We can live in agony, obsessing over it, and believing we will simply have to remain miserable until the pain dulls.
  2. We can run away from it and mask it with other things that allow us to forget to some degree.
  3. We can accept it and find a way to incorporate it into our reality.

Obviously, not all of these are healthy. More often than not, however, we take the easy paths of misery or forgetfulness because adjusting our terms of how we encounter the world is an arduous process.

We are selfish beings. It is who we are and the sooner we can see that, the easier option number three is. Being selfish and only allowing ourselves to see the world through out specific lens, means that we have a difficult time accepting things that others see in a way we do not. More often than not, the situations that are beyond our control stem from someone else seeing something differently than we do.

In this instance, and the whole reason I am even on this tangent, is because of Toga. At some point I’m sure I will chronicle out whole stupid story, but for now the basic gist is that we are friends, I want more, and he does not.

It has been a long process; one that is still ever changing and adjusting, but maintaining our friendship when we are both on very distinctive pages in this has been, to say the least, complex. At the end of the day, it was and is a situation I have had to accept I cannot change and either walk away from or find a way to incorporate it into my life. There was a time, not too long ago (read “Does this mean I have to be an adult now??”), which I thought it would be easiest to walk away. I was wrong, although I can’t say that I have consistently been confident in that decision since.

It isn’t about consistency though. It is a moment-to-moment battle. It is a decision that has to be made again and again. But sitting here, watching him tinker with his newest car project for the last few hours, I can’t help but think it’s a battle I’ll continue to come out on the same side of. Sometimes a little heartache is good for us, makes us stronger, and it does get easier if they are worth having in your life. The biggest question is whether or not you can live with the choices you make.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire