Tag Archives: TUP

Sometimes you just need to shut up and enjoy it

4 Dec

This can be said about so many things.

I think when I wrote this idea down it was specifically intended to be about Tup. A bitter soliloquy on the ending of what was obviously something never meant to be and just a delusional dream. However, now that I have found it again, I am thinking I need to write it on a poster and post it somewhere I’ll see it everyday.

I don’t know about you, but I spend so much of my life thinking about the future. What is it going to look like? Where am I going to be? Who am I going to be spending my time with? And on and on and on. Its exhausting sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong. A life without some semblance of a plan is a useless waste of existence, but sometimes we have to buckle down and accept that the things we want are going to take time. Staying at a job that is less than ideal to build your resume. Being single for a while in order to learn new things about yourself and reconnect to the person you want to be. Living with your parents to build up that savings account so you might actually get to live somewhere decent (thank God I’m past that one!). All semi-torturous things that we wish we could change, but maybe in the moment are more beneficial to endure than to escape.

We’re all big kids now. We should be past thinking that life is just going to be all sunshine and rainbows. I am wholeheartedly an advocate for making every second exciting and everyday an adventure, but I am also realistic and recognize that that’s impossible. Nor would I really honestly want every moment to be happy and boistrus. How can we truly appreciate the great moments if we don’t know what the other end of the scale is like? If everything is the same, nothing is special.

Today was a day I was questioning everything. Wondering what I am really doing. A conversation with LP and  few glasses of wine later, I am much more content than I was this morning. Nothing has changed. I am not any different. I just know that eventually I’ll get to where I want to be. I am putting in my time and counting my pennies, tedious tasks, but necessary for an even greater next step.

Just wanted to share and hopefully encourage. XOXO

“No sensible man ever engages, unprepared, in a fencing match of words with a woman” -W. Collins

16 Oct

I rarely have met my match when it comes to being stubborn. Although I would more often call it “passion,” that is not how it is always perceived (or even intended). In those rare moments when it appears I am giving up on an argument, more often than not I’m bored or simply no longer interested in the conversation. There are rare exceptions, however, in which I can’t stop the argument of my own free will. My opponent simply has me enthralled and I must press my point until I am understood to be right. I guess I am pretty stubborn.

I think I get it from my mother. No, I definitely get it from my mother.

Apparently TUP is one of those people. Its something in the wording that just feeds my desired, no my NEED to be accepted as the victor. Usually our back-and-forth is over menial things with no real impression on reality.

I think tonight was the first time that wasn’t the case. It doesn’t even matter what it was about, but we had a legit fight. Over something dumb. This is not odd, people fight, but I loved it. Dare I say it was arousing. I mean seriously, I wanted to have intense hate sex, argue some more and do it again.

This has never happened before.

Suffice it to say it was a burst of intensity I wasn’t prepared for. In the end, I don’t even think there was a victor, just two people with different viewpoints who had no choice but to accept the other wasn’t going to change.

I had a point to this I swear…before I got distracted by the hate sex comment. Now I’m all discombobulated. I’m sure that’s why you’re still reading this in fact, to see if I talk more about the hate sex. I’m not going to. I’m going to stop typing entirely I think. Really, if we thought about it, it reality it wouldn’t be that exciting anyway, considering.

#willgetthereeventually

Flowers are stupid and monogamy is confusing

9 Oct

I don’t know at what point flowers became the thing to give a girl on a date, but the idea is morbid and needs to be exterminated. What do you expect from me?

Guy: “Hey baby, here’s some flowers”

Girl: “Ermehgerd! They are so pretty and smell so pretty and make you look so pretty!! Must suck your dick now!!!”

…No

Really, its an insulting and morbid concept. It assumes the relationship is based on a cliche and sexist formality and is fleeting at best. Boy who have given me flowers in the past have almost across the board been insincere, uncreative, and hoping my simple female mind would be impressed by such a “gentlemanly” gesture.

Ok ok maybe I’m being a bit bitter about the whole thing and speaking from my own personal perspective (duh, my blog here). I don’t judge girl that much who enjoy getting pretty colored weeds that die within a week of receiving them. However, the concept confounds me. Chocolate, ok, yum. Even jewelry, although frivolous, has some purpose in existing. Flowers have no practical usefulness at all.

I know that I am not of the norm here, but I would much rather if an individual feels the need to impress me or woo me or whatever, bring a gift which is going to serve a purpose in my life.

With that said, yesterday I had quite a lovely date with TUP in Mystic, CT, and he brought me wine. Not just any wine, Riesling because he remembered it was my favorite. You best believe that boy got in my pants.

Speaking of, while I’m actually writing a post, TUP also decided to end the evening on a confusingly annoying note. Being as unexperienced as he is, I’m not entirely surprised, but it still took me by surprise a little.

We were having a great little spontaneous date which ended humorously sexy in my backseat, and then he drops this bomb on me. Not a bomb, that was an exaggeration, really it was meant to be a simple inquiry, but nothing in my life is apparently simple.

He in a very round about way asked me if I was sleeping/fooling around with anyone else. Of course I was! I don’t do monogamy very well, and although I would probably at least consider the concept when the time arose, a few facts are very evident to me. 1. despite how adorable and well meaning TUP is, he was a virgin when I met him and needs to build up to being able to satisfy me the way I need him to, 2. he lives quite far and its difficult for us to physically connect on a regular basis, 3. he has mentioned more than once he doesn’t want to label the relationship at this point and I have agreed entirely. I avoided the question, which of course he picked up on, and I eventually gave a vague answer.

He maintained that he didn’t want to define the parameters of our arrangement, but was clear he would not be trying to sleep with anyone else. Which I find ridiculous. I don’t think that after 28 years of virginity he is all of a sudden going to become some voracious sex-amal. I wouldn’t care if he did, but saying it out loud puts an expectation on me. I DO have a voracious sexual appetite, which at some point he might be able to fulfill, but at this moment the fact of the matter is, he cannot. It understandable, there is a certain amount of pleasure I get from the student-teacher relationship that naturally formed, but he’s sexually young and inexperienced, period.

Why can’t I tell him everything else without telling him the things he doesn’t want to know? Why do guys insist in claiming territory and getting upset when they find out the women in their lives might have needs they can’t fulfill? It would be one thing if we had been clear from the beginning, but we weren’t. How can one of the things I love about him the most, his innocence, be one of the most annoying things about moving forward?

Have I gotten in too deep?

The fact of the matter is that at the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I’m moving across the country within the year and nothing and no one is going to keep me here. Really, the appropriate thing to do would be to tell him that’s the plan and save us both a lot of trouble. But I like him. I like not having to edit myself, or put on a show, or try to fit a mold. He doesn’t care. He sees me, and he doesn’t care I have some cracks. That is a rare and unique thing. I just worry that when he sees all the shit underneath that has built up over the years, he’ll be just like all the rest.

On that positive note! My groupon good came in today and he entire Harry Potter series on DVD is waiting for me. Although I might wait to start that adventure and read a few more chapters of Fifty Shade of Grey.

The Unemployed Philosopher

22 Sep

This is more a story about one of those guys that sneaks up on you and morphs into something entirely unexpected before you really have much of a chance to realize what’s happening. The Unemployed Philosopher is one of those guys no body “gets.” You’ve met them, a little odd, kind of douchy, aloof. If you are a girl like me you take one glance and want to punch them just so you don’t have to hear their voice, but you assume such an action would just bring on another long-winded conversation around the human race’s need to inflict pain on one another to feel powerful and dominant, yada yada. TUP is one of those…until you get to know him. Which probably explains why at 27 he was still a virgin, but we’ll get back to that.

TUP and my friend the Seaman from high school (you know, the one getting married to SMC) have known each other since elementary school. He was always a name I had heard here and there so I knew he existed, but we had never met. Until last year. That is when SMC wanted me to help her throw a surprise party for the Seaman’s 27th birthday. We planned it for a couple weeks and she asked me if I knew him. I told her the tale, which wasn’t much, and she took it from there. The day of the party she gave him my number since she was going to be with the Seaman prior to the surprise and we were all meeting at Dave and Busters. The texts prior and the party that night further convinced me he was just what I expected him to be, but I did think his brother was rather adorable (that’s important-ish later).

Months go by and nothing of note to this particular story occur. Well, other than he Seaman and SMC getting engaged. I guess that’s kind of a big deal. Especially since SMC’s psycho mother decides to throw an engagement party. The bridal party was invited and as I was asked to be a bridesmaid and TUP asked to be a groomsman, we both attended. TUP also brought his brother interestingly enough, and despite my attempts to flirt discreetly I was apparently not as undercover as I suspected I was.

Facebook being the great connector to people you wouldn’t otherwise speak with, created a little circle of connections around the upcoming nuptials. About a week after the party, I was feeding my addiction to the website, and TUP messaged me rather unexpectedly. He started by calling me out on flirting with his brother and this led to an extended conversation into the wee hours of the morning. I thought little of it, but I felt after this that perhaps I had misjudged his character. We had a lot in common and this was surprising to me. I also discovered his tendency to be more than a little honest, he didn’t seem to hide much and I respected that.

There were a few more conversations similar to that one which led me to believe his motives were not entirely based on developing a purely social relationship, and then he told me he wanted to sleep with me and my suspicions were confirmed. Surprisingly for me by that point I wasn’t opposed to the idea.

Enter my birthday.

Every year it turns into a week long extravaganza during which I roam from town to town celebrating with all my different circles of friends. This year when I was making plans with my friends back home, one of my priorities was including TUP. He ended up joining a few of us on a bar hop in Providence. Alcohol, good friends, and ending the night in a dark and dingy club created a feeling of euphoria, as it often does, and he and I ended up wandering the streets on our own in search of pizza (which we never found).

It wasn’t until sitting on the stairs under a flickering street light when he told me he’d never been with a woman that I decided he was my newest project. I liked him, I had admitted that to myself, and the addition of having that unique aspect of power and control sealed the deal. It helped that I found the ease with which I could make him uncomfortable amusing. Straddling his lap, between kisses, I told him all the things I would teach him and I could feel his excitement building.

Sidebar. Recounting this now, I realize how much it resembles a harlequin romance novel. Oops.

We went back to the car and found an empty lot off the beaten path. Under the stars (yes we went outside, the hood of his car seemed more interesting than the back seat), we kissed and disrobed, and I realized just how much work I had committed to, but it was fun and felt a tiny bit dangerous. Before we could actually engage in the big finale, however, TUP noticed another car had pulled into the lot and after hastily replacing out clothing, we jumped back into the car. I had a big laugh, he was not as amused and didn’t get quite the same rush, but he was a trooper. He brought me back to my car and we said good night.

I went to Arizona for the rest of the week (post to come) and so it was another week until any plans could be made to make good on my newest life goal.

I got back on the following Monday and invited him over for some Monday night football. Living in RI and being unemployed (don’t judge), this was not the simplest of tasks, but he managed to find a way and despite the traffic, survived the trip. The night was, eventful, more for him than for me. He was a virgin, I didn’t expect much, and we had some fun. It was simple. Very by the book, but I liked that we could laugh and joke around about the awkwardness for him and the challenges presented for me. It was refreshing to not have to be “on” and in the game since I was literally the best he’d ever had.

The next morning was just as easy and simple. We went for another round, took showers, I made breakfast, we went for a walk around Salem since he’d never been and we just talked. One of his friends texted him at some point to ask how it went, and he let me respond which I found amusing as well.

After he left I really felt that there was a connection. I wanted more time with him. I wanted to make something out of the raw materials he presented. We shared an honesty, a need to remove ourselves from the pressure society puts on us to be in a mold. I believed there was a mutual respect and understanding in the personality aspects we both held that often reflected negatively with other people. It was promising and then some.

Its been a couple weeks since that moment. I haven’t seen him and our conversations are not nearly as intriguing and insightful more often than not. Reality has set in. He’s unemployed, far away, and difficult to be spontaneous with. Even if I were to put aside the fact he’s never had a girlfriend and doesn’t react the way I expect to my womanly snares, it seems I am falling into my regular pattern after the bubblies of a new possibility die down. It is interesting how every time I truly believe I won’t find a reason to end up here, and every time I’m not all that surprised that I do.

Who knows, maybe he’ll surprise me. He was a big enough deal to feel the need to write this. Maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe I really am being realistic. Only time will tell.