Tag Archives: vulnerable

Tiny Little Voices

4 Jul

The last two weeks have been hard. I have felt vulnerable at best and worthless at worst. You wouldn’t think getting passed over for a promotion would do that to you, except that the insult was one in a string of many. Now this isn’t a post about how horrible my job is, although I could go on about that for ages, but about that tiny voice I really should listen to more often.

I call that voice God, but others may call it something else. Conscience. The universe. Reason. Tina Turner. Really to each his (or her) own.

I consider myself a spiritual person. I pray. I do yoga. I make an attempt at meditating. I like feeling connected to the world around me and spirituality is one way I achieve that. I grew up in the church and always found peace there. When I moved out of my parents’ place after college, I stopped going. Stopped as in not even the rare visit on holidays. I wouldn’t say my life has fallen apart because of it nor that I have stopped calling myself a Christian. However, I will say I consistently look back at that period of my life and miss the feeling of purpose I had. I was more fulfilled then than at ay other point of my life.

Now, back to the last two weeks. It seems that two thing coincided. My job became a sinkhole of despair and my relationship hit a giant fucking road block. They say bad things come in threes so I am waiting for one more big life failure like my parents dying on their way back from Canada or finding out I am pregnant…any day now. The first two, however, have been bad enough so I am ok if it is just a duo this time. My emotional health has been plummeting and I have had little motivation to fix it. Initially I was keeping up with little things like housework and my physical wellbeing, but even those are falling to the wayside.

How do all of these random ideas fit together, well let me tell you. Today Michigan went to the gym and I had no motivation to go to yoga so I was about to put on an episode (or 4) of the last season of Hart of Dixie when it occurred to me that I might find a more productive use of my time. I went to my book shelf to pick out one of the few self-help books I have purchased, and remembered I was in the middle of working through the Captivating companion journal/guide thing. I pulled out the book and the journal and plopped onto the couch. About halfway through, while tears were streaking my cheeks, a realization hit me that had I not listened to that tiny little voice I would not feel as good as I did in that moment.

I am not saying that I am all better and a miracle happened this morning, but sometimes that voice knows exactly what you need when you need it. What I needed this morning was that book and some self-analysis.

It happened earlier this week too. One night when I was full-on pity party and in bed before Michigan, I pulled out the Brene Brown book I keep on my bedside table. Her words were exactly what I needed to hear.

That voice is hard to hear sometimes through the cacophony that is our lives, but it is so so important to listen, to take time for ourselves; to find what we need and allow ourselves the time to be present and accepting of it. For me, this week, it has been books, but sometimes it is time with a friend, or making a detour for coffee, or just sitting in silence to find a snippet of peace. I don’t know what it is for you, but I encourage you to listen to it and take advantage of the things that make you feel connected to the world around you.

Where one story ends another begins

22 Oct

Dear HB,

It has been a while since I have written to you. I still think of you often, but lately it has been out of nostalgia for good times with old friends than anything else. I do miss you and hope you are well. It sounds like you are based on random facebook updates I find and the occasional mention you receive in conversation with the Wizard.

Tonight I have a reason to write you. I want to tell you some news! I have found someone. Maybe that is not something you want to hear because I am sure part of you still wishes me eternal misery for the hurt I inflicted, but I hope part of you can be happy as well.

I am changed drastically from the girl that broke your heart, and in large part that is because of the love and care you showed me when I truly was underserving of something so generously given. You showed me a door out of the bitter and secluded world I had built for myself, and I am sincerely sorry I could not go through it with you. With that said, I do believe everything happens for a reason.

You made me believe again in unconditional love and gave me the hope that someday I would be worthy of such a thing. My only hope is that out of the pain, you found something as well. I would like to think that our time together gave you the strength to go out into the world and really be vulnerable in a way you hadn’t been in years. That perhaps out of contention came courage to move forward.

That is what I would like to think anyway. The only proof I have of this, however, is your upcoming nuptials with your lovely fiance.

Perhaps that is my wishful thinking, but I still owe you a resounding thank you for the beauty you created in my life. If there is anyway I can ever repay you know that I would be willing and thrilled.  I fervently wish you the best, and even if our paths never cross again you will always be an irreplaceable piece of my history.

Your friend,
PR

Only Human

20 Nov

I started this adventure with all of you with the resolve to not share my musings with anyone I actually know. I wanted to be honest. Honest without restraint or care for what other people thought. My mind is a sordid place and sometimes I feel that not everyone in my life would understand it. I can be a bitch. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I play games and those games don’t always end well for the other people involved. I don’t make apologies for the things I have done, but that doesn’t mean I want certain people to know about them.

I broke this promise to myself months ago when I accidentally allowed the Sloth to see the URL one drunken night. I think I was so carefree with this because I knew he was the one person that would not judge me for one single word I wrote. I actually in the end was thankful someone else’s eyes were on it that knows me. We have discussed a post or two here or there and I always appreciate an outsider’s perspective on my universe.

Recently, I made the executive decision to allow someone else I hold dear access to this world that is purely my creation. LP is someone I hold dear to my heart and also is someone who regards me as I am and loves me none the less. I would trust her with my life, but trusting her with this was a decision that was difficult.

The question I pose now is why?

I pride myself on being honest and open with almost everyone. I don’t shy away from confrontation or compromise who I am for what someone else wants me to be. But there is a difference between living a life of openness with the world around you when asked to proffer information, and openly offering every piece of information to the world around you.

It’s natural to shade pieces of yourself and what you know to be true. It feels too exposed, makes you too vulnerable not to hold certain things close to yourself. We need certain things to be only for us to satisfy our human nature. Fight or flight in a way. We were born with it and its there to protect us.

In starting this, I wanted it to be an exploration of being entirely vulnerable. Open to criticism. So why does it feel harder when people know who are actually in the story? I think the answer is obvious. The faceless and nameless is easier than dealing with any repercussions to be had from revelations that may not have been openly available in the moment.

Yet, I claim that I am open and honest, so really it shouldn’t matter.

There inlies the irony my friends, as well as the lesson. None of us are free of secrets. Its natural and not anything to be ashamed of in the least. We are only human after all.