Tag Archives: work

Thoughts from the Mad

10 Oct

A lot has happened recently. If one of my clients was complaining to me about this shit, I would say something along the lines of “life’s hard, get a helmet.” I can’t find my helmet.

Work is difficult to live with, and more difficult to leave.

My anxiety is overwhelming and destructive.

My relationships seem to be unravelling and I don’t know how to mend them.

There is just too much going on, the ship is sinking and I can’t fins my fucking bucket. Well, I found the one with the hole in it, but the water is coming in and the one without the hole would be really useful.

Every time I think about my blog, I think “gosh, I need to write more,” but how do I write more when it is so hard to think and/or be sane.

I have ideas and inspiration at all the most inconvenient moments. Then, by the time I find a pen or a keyboard, the inspiration had fizzled. Have you ever seen Jane the Virgin? She knows what I mean.

I was listening to Harry Potter and the Sacred Text podcast while walking my dog this evening (I have one of those now!), and inspiration smacked me on the back of the head, but it took me 45 minutes to get home. It went something along the lines of finding meaning in the simple moments. Finding fulfillment when it seems inconvenient.

In addition, I have been contemplating a move to the event planning field and taking a break from the social services where I was so committed to spending my life serving. I was unsure and in a moment it washed over me and I realized I felt selfish. My commitment was to service, to bettering the world, and now what? I want to make more money and be more at peace? How long until I hate that and then hate myself for leaving something that was at least karmically fulfilling?

So many thought, so little sobriety.

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Year End Reflections

28 Dec

Reflections #Pinterest

 10 Highlights…

  1. Going to San Diego in August.

Not only was this my first time in California, putting my toes in the Pacific waters, but it was also a long needed roomie/bestie trip with LP. We had a total blast for four days and enjoyed some sun, sand, and shenanigans.

  1. Mom and Dad coming to visit in April.

So many things happened during the two weeks they were here. I failed at hosting my first holiday (see below), they met Michigan for the first time (only the second time they have met a significant other), and we went on a four day road trip to see Sedona, The Grand Canyon, and Vegas (their first, and probably last, time).

  1. Speaking of Michigan (the man), he was a huge part of my year as well.

All of his visits were definitely highlights and something that made this year bearable at times. From him coming in March when we went to a Cubs game and the Renaissance Fair, to spending out first holiday together over Thanksgiving, every one was special and left me wanting more. We also celebrated ONE WHOLE YEAR together in October, which still blows my mind.

  1. My visit to Michigan (the state) in January also falls under the highlights category.

Not only did I get to Michigan(theman)’s home and meet his family, but I got to check off a whole new state from places to see before I die.

  1. Rogers and The Viking’s Wedding.

This June occasion was momentous for a few reasons. First, two of my dear friends tied the knot and even asked me to be a part of their beautiful day. Second, I got to go on a mini road trip with Michigan including a ferry ride across Lake Michigan (this Michigan thing is getting very confusing, note to self, consider new nic name…other note to self, no nic names after places anymore). Third, I checked off two more states with a visit to Madison, Wisconsin for the wedding and Chicago, Illinois on the way home. Fourth, Chicago!

  1. Anytime I get to go to Vegas is always on my list.

This year I had the pleasure of going twice! The first time was in March when TOGA and gang went for a week. I drove up for a night and although not as amazing as I had hoped, still mention-worthy. The second was for my 27th birthday. I got to share a long weekend with friends and have a roller coaster of a time with all the ups and downs you have to expect when Vegas is part of the equation.

  1. I am grouping together two outings for number seven because the bonding element they have was that I was able to share them with The Viking and Rogers:

*Monument Tour in August (Seeing Paramore is always epic and seeing Fall Out Boy along with them….there are no words!)

*Arizona Cardinals v. Detroit Lions in November (Football, friends, stadium full of screaming fans….what is here no to love)

  1. I am devoting number 8 to two anniversaries that fell in the last year.

The first was one year in Arizona in March and the second was one year at The New Foundation in May. This has been the most intense adventure of my life so far, but every step has been worth it. Mistakes included, I have become a better person, and even though my job is not he best, it is a stepping stone to higher goals (one which I very soon hope to step off of).

  1. The Biggest Loser competition I orchestrated at work in June/July (and almost won).

A lot more commitment running the show than I thought, but definitely a fun time for my crazy organized side. It was a close race and I am proud to say I worked hard to push myself to be better.

  1. Last but not least, although it may seem minor, I got contacts again for the first time since high school which has allowed me to have much more comfort while riding my bike to work and going to yoga.

**I would like to make honorable mention of two other events, which did not quite make the top ten, but none-the-less are worth mentioning.

Saint Patrick’s Day – An eventful day after which I could not look at Thai Curry the same way again.

Home for Christmas – The only reason I am suspecting this did not bump one of the other contenders above is because as I am writing this list, it has not yet happened.

10 Disappointments…

(In no particular order)

  1. My second DUI.

Between the horrific jail experience, the financial insecurity, the hassle of having an interlock in my car, and the enormous time commitment this has required, it trumps any other failure I have had this year.

  1. Not getting the job as AYSF.

Liz recommended me, I felt more than qualified, but due to my license issue, it was not meant to be.

  1. Missing Riot Fest in Denver with Anarchy.

Such an amazing opportunity wasted again because of the DUI fallout (seeing a pattern yet?). Then to see pictures and hear stories when Anarchy got back, ugh!

  1. Not seeing the Patriots when they came to play the Chargers in San Diego.

No money, no ticket, and LP is in the habit of ditching me anyway.

  1. The fallout with TOGA.

He got into a relationship, I don’t understand, we haven’t talked since. I realize his is probably an unhealthy reaction on my part, but I am not ready to come to terms with it yet.

  1. Decline in relationship with LP.

Although I expect tensions to ease when we are no longer roommates, there are definite differences to our friendship, which are not all entirely fixable.

  1. Being unable to fly back East for an entire year.

And in the process missing out on some pretty big life events friends have been experiencing. Feeling homesick is not a fun feeling.

  1. Misusing a lot of my time.

Whether it was due to laziness, depression, exhaustion, etc. I was not the best at making use of my time wisely.

  1. Easter Dinner.

I wanted Easter to be this impressive affair where I cooked for my family and my boyfriend and everyone was impressed with my hosting skills. I left myself no time and we went out to dinner instead.

  1. Continuing to be church-less.

It is a need I have been feeling I need to fill again, but between work and social anxiety, it hasn’t happened yet.

3 Game Changers…

  1. DUI

I am sure you can see the pattern above. It had affected every aspect of my life.

  1. Switching to IOP

It has been a fun and skill-building experience, bringing me closer to a co-worker and providing me with a little more freedom at work.

  1. Building a relationship with Rogers and the Viking.

They have been supportive and fun, really adding my connection to Arizona and my life here. I really believe that if there was no other reason to have moved here, they would have been more than enough to make it worth while. I will be sad when they moved back to Minnesota.

3 Things I focused on…

  1. Michigan

He is dear to my heart and I have spent a lot of time cultivating a strong, healthy relationship.

  1. Work

Not always my favorite place to be, but useful in developing skills and getting out of debt.

  1. Yoga

Being healthy is an up and down battle for me, but yoga has given me a hobby that pushes me to want to make goals and actually reach them. It fuses the body control aspect I once found so addicting in dance and the strength-building benefits I have been trying to accomplish, plus a side of meditation. Mind, body, and soul working together.

3 Things I forgot…

  1. Applying for Grad School

As I am writing this, there is still time to squeak that in under the wire, but I have my doubts. There is always next year (she said once again).

  1. Figuring out a better solution for my student loan problem.

For years now I have been battling with Salliemae just to get them to give me some small relief from the debt I have collected. After hearing about a couple different programs I may be eligible for, I have still done little more than minor research around them.

  1. Therapy.

Several times this year I felt I had hi a wall. Being in mental health I am a huge advocate for reaching out for support from professionals when life becomes too overwhelming. I still struggle to take my own advice.

Reflection…

I can’t say this year has been easy, nor can I say I have always been happy, but that is life. This year was more difficult than others, but out of adversity comes strength. I regret things that have happened, they will continue to affect me for years to come. However, that is not what I want to focus on as the year closes out. I want to focus on the relationships that have been built on love and acceptance. The changes that have lead my family and I to come to new understandings of one another. Big goals for the future and new roads I have been lead down. Life will never be easy, and I am thankful to have things to look back on that brought light even to he darkest of places. Here is to a year full of challenges and overcoming them.

Updates and Unicorns (spoiler, there are no unicorns)

13 Nov

I promised this weeks ago. It’s surprisingly hard to just sit down and talk about life.

Short version, since that’s really all I have time for, but I told myself I HAD to do this today:

Work is…all of the things. I love the kids, I love how easy most days are, I love the ever-changing days, but it’s burning me out. We have discovered I am a workaholic sometimes. I have worked over 80 hours in the last two weeks and although on the whole that is above the norm, it’s not that far above. The thing about this type of position is that not many people last long with the same agency. You always have your handful of vets, then the handful of 1-2 year-ers, the rest of the holes are filled by people who stay 5-8 months and peace out.

I’ve never held a job less than a year, but I just accepted an interview for this week somewhere else and I am ok with this. It was a step back professionally taking the job here and despite the raise I just got and the kids that I love, I need to at least get the momentum back.

In the health department, I finally found a diet I can stick to and have almost lost ten pounds! This excites me and hopefully is a good motivator to find a workout routine I can keep with consistently as well. I want my definition back! Heck maybe I’ll even hop back on the running kick and work back up to that 5K I never did.

The key is to never give up. No matter how far off the trail you wander, you can always find your way back and finish climbing that mountain. Use your resources!!

LP and I continue to have our ups and downs but I think we have finally found neutral ground. I’ve let go of some of the bitterness that was getting in the way and she is making more of an effort to communicate. It helps that we are doing the diet together even though she is so skinny…that bitch.

The biggest thing that has happened in recent months is that for the first time in 5 years and 9 months I find myself in a serious relationship.

WHOA! Let’s take a second and process that for two seconds.

Now its no fairy tale and its long distance (Michigan long distance), but it is a big deal. I drop the “L” word on a daily basis and fall asleep talking to him every night. I’ll write out the whole story at some point, but despite its imperfections and mountains that sometimes seem insurmountable, he is the first guy in a long time that makes me think maybe I won’t end up alone after all. Do people really get this many chances? Or were all the other ones just the lessons I needed to learn to get here? Is this one going to turn into a lesson?

Stopping THAT crazy train right there.

That’s about it and about all the time I have to devote to this at the moment. I would like to end with something witty, or inspirational, but my brain is a little fried so we’ll have to stick to something simple.

Poop!

hashtag white girl problems

11 Apr

PS  If you want to check out the slow carb diet or its founder Tim Ferris, I highly recommend it.