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Tucker Max Drunk

29 Oct

There are nights you expects to be full of shenanigans and know the next morning you are going to regret most of your decisions. I call them rock star nights – party hard, crash hard, try to remember where you left your wallet…and panties.

Then there are the nights you intend to be a quiet outing with a few friends, innocently believing you will have a drink or two then return home at a reasonable hour so  you can discreetly fall asleep watching Netflix. Only things do not go as planned and the next morning you are jolting awake, head screaming, trying to fit the pieces together.

I refer to this as Tucker Max drunk. I don’t think TM himself would necessarily categorize such an event as such himself, but as I never achieve this level intentionally, I find it my prerogative to create the category in my personal life.

One morning on a Thursday in July, I awoke after such a night. I was late for work, clothes were strewn all over my apartment, and my body was aching in every way possible. The memories came back in flashes, but to this day I cannot recollect what inspired me to pee in the sink. Yes, dear reader, walking out into the kitchen I discovered the unmistakeable odor of urine in my sink with no clear idea of what lead to that occurrence. I bleached the shit out of everything and resolved to not drink for a week.

How did this come to be? Well, let’s start a the beginning. I have Wednesdays off and from time to time I participate in a little day drinking while I take care of things around the house (bills, laundry, cleaning, yoga, yada yada). This particular Wednesday I had indulged, but not overly…until LP came home from work. She invited me to Toby Keith’s and that was the end of that.

Drinks ensued and at some point I lost track of how many and what I was doing. LP’s friend came with us and between the two of them they got me to ride the mechanical bull at the bar as I threw back more drinks than I should have been able to ingest.

By the time we got home I was ready to crash, but I am stubborn. For some reason that night I decided I needed to pee…but not in the toilet, in the kitchen sink.

I didn’t remember the next day, but instinct knew it was me.

It was the first in a series of incidents. The sink, the dish washer, my closet…for a handful of weeks, this was my pattern and amusement.

One questions one’s motives when one gets drunk enough to justify such behaviors. And then one read the Tucker Max autobiographies. I recommend them to anyone who feels their lives have hit the toilet because this man will make you feel better about ALL of your mistakes.

The Modern Gentleman

26 Oct

A lot of girls I know, really, probably most girls out there, get caught up in the idea of being swept off our feet by some prince charming. I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this before, and the improbability of it. This is as much our fault as the men.

I’m not going to go on another rampage about that. Instead I’m going to talk about a recent observation I’ve made.

Maybe Prince Charming and his white horse as we imagine them aren’t a likely reality, but what if he just morphed into something else and we just have to adjust our perspective a bit? We don’t live in the middle ages anymore. Women have achieved so many things and society has changed with us. That doesn’t mean that some tradition didn’t survive.

“Gentlemen” don’t walk around in top hats and morning coats. They don’t “court” the girls they wish to pursue with supervise visits and chaste kisses on the veranda. I would argue, however, that this doesn’t mean some men haven’t been able to take these ideas and adapt them to this new era.

Now that we no longer live in the world of Downton Abbey and Pride and Prejudice, what are the signs of a real gentleman? (In no particular order)

1.  Putting the seat down
2.  Making a fresh pot of coffee before you wake up
3.  Letting you pick the sappiest girly movie and not complaining
4.  Asking whether you want to be on top or on the bottom
5.  Sending you flowers after he knows he was an ass hole
6.  Trying something really corny just because it sounds romantic
7.  Making you a play list
8.  Picking up the take out
9.  Opening the door (an oldie but a goody)
10.  Not letting you insist on splitting the check (unless you really get stubborn about it)
11.  Getting up with you before work even if he can sleep in later than you
12.  Wearing your favorite shirt just because he knows you like it
13.  Doing the chore you reeeeeeally hate (cause its icky)
14.  Texting you to see how your day is going
15.  Making voice contact when possible in lieu of a text
16.  Just buying the damn tampons
17.  Bringing home your favorite candy (mmm Sweedish Fish)
18.  Making sure you know he’s alive when he’s been out drinking
19.  Loves his mother and treats her like a Queen
20.  and perhaps most importantly, telling you that he likes/loves/cares/admires you because he knows you need to hear it

Sometimes the party gets the best of you

8 Jul

Well I almost completed epic week of posting. Then came the hangover from hell and I lost my rhythm. I’ll finish the Arizona part of the story this week, promise (?). I was going to do it last weekend, but then Friday night came, got way too hammered and wanted to die for the next few days.

Did you know that technically every time you throw up from drinking you have alcohol poisoning? So I wonder what it means when you throw up on the sidewalk the next day while trying to merely survive your dog walking job…more than once. Not classy. Nor is a two day hang over. Hopefully, knowing this was my weekend earns my forgiveness for not finishing my attempt at completing something.

I may also do a Half Baked video tonight. It is Sunday after all and I didn’t even have drunken baking last week either since I felt so shitty. I’ll have to look through my pantry.

While I’m typing lets do other updates, mine as well make this productive:

Rugged Maniac Training is still going, but much less intense. The initial hurrah has died off a bit, but I’m still motivated to get this done. I’ve been watching videos to prepare for the obstacles, a few of us at work started a running group a couple days a week, and I’ve been doing Jillian Michaels videos to work on muscle conditioning. I’ve been pretty lazy the last couple weeks, but I’m determined to regain my focus now that the 4th is done and there are no other excuses until late August not to be healthy and bang this shit out.

Boys…oh boys. Nothing, I got nothing. I’ve been dating pretty regularly which is nice, but nothing is sticking. I have no complaints, I just wish my coupley friends would stop looking at me like I’m some charity case. Especially now that SMC and the Seaman are engaged. She is my best friend from college and he is a good friend from high school who I used to sleep with. Never saw that relationship ending up here, but now that it is I feel like its work to be happy for them, and they just keep talking like I’m going to be their new project. Their intentions are good, but they don’t get how patronizing they sound.

What else? Oh, remember when I had that mini break down about my life? Did I write about that? Well, I am officially moving to Arizona, probably in November. I need to save and plan and well, find a job, but I’m excited about it. I haven’t told many people, mostly because I don’t want to deal with the negativity that will come along with the announcement (I know for a fact a few people won’t exactly be happy about it), but I have a few months. I figure I’ll live in the dessert for a bit and that will be a nice little adventure then maybe England, or some tropical island for a while. I went to see “Savages” and it made me want to be a beach bum, possibly with dreadlocks.

Alright, it was nice catching up, but I have a pile of laundry calling my name.

Running Updates, Easter, and Deep Thoughts with PR

11 Apr

Day I already lost track – 5 miles – walk/run

I was admittedly a slacker since my last post. Friday was an off day so check mark on that one. Saturday was supposed to be 3-5 miles walking with 10 run/walk intervals (run 30 seconds, walk 1 minute) in the last mile. Well I definitely walked at least 3 miles, probably more, but I spread it throughout the day during dog walks and there was no running involved. I figured this was ok since it was only week one and Sunday was supposed to be an off day, but I walked at least 3 miles that day as well with the pups.

Yesterday was the start of week 2. I had resolved this to be serious week since I definitely needed to work off Easter intake.

PAUSE. On a side note, can we talk about how I’m 24 years old and my daddy (yes, I still call him daddy, which is also why the thought of calling any other man “daddy” disturbs me so much) still makes me an Easter basket every year. This year I had to work on Easter Sunday so I went home Friday afternoon and we had Easter dinner/family time early. No little brother though, haven’t heard from him in a while, I should probably give him a call. The next morning my dad and I went to breakfast as is per usual when I go home, usually the best part of my weekend 🙂

Saturday my afternoon dog walk cancelled so I ended up going shopping with the rents. They spoil me rotten, my mother never really got over her need to buy my love, and I think it has only gotten more intense since I moved out. Except now I think it is less her trying to buy my love, more her trying to still feel like my mom. I may need to convince her to come make me soup when I get my wisdom teeth out this week (yeah THAT will be an upcoming post almost definitely). She made me pick out new curtains for my room, which is nice since now people on the street can’t watch me change.

Plus awesome new running shorts (I knew there was a reason this was relevant!)

The Easter basket was waiting in the car when we left the store. My dad had snuck off and put it together while mom and I looked at curtains. Sneaky bastard!

I went home that day loaded with leftover, clean laundry, my new purchases, and a bunny staring at me from the passenger seat reminding how very loved I am. My family is awesome (something it was hard to see a few years ago so I like to remind myself on a regular basis).

Anyway, back to the training. With a sugar crash bogging down my brain, a severe lack of sleep because I’m dumb and don’t sleep, and pervasive weird feeling left over from spending Easter mostly alone, Monday was rough on the motivation. I came so close to succeeding, and then the sun went down and instead of running shoes, I put on sweatpants, grabbed the rest of my sweedish fish, and watched Battlestar Galactica for the rest of the night (finished season 2 though!!).

Today was a shit day and I came close to a repeat, only with vodka instead of fish, but I got home from work early, it was a beautiful day, and I needed to feel less fat. I put on those brand new, bright pink running shorts, and out the door I went, and was so glad for it. I did today what I was supposed to do yesterday, and it was wonderful. Sometimes I think I would seriously have committed suicide already if it weren’t for endorphins (joke!).

Best part about running on the commons earlier in the evening – eye candy.

Observation of the night: people don’t look at each other anymore. We walk past one another and avert our eyes, look at the street, check our phone, but why? I do it too, and I still don’t get it. No wonder we have all lost touch with our communities, our society as a whole. We let social media connect us to one another in staged theaters of our choosing, and yet feel embarrassment at the thought of even making the simple gesture of eye contact to let the world know we are aware of its existence. No wonder we feel so alone.

And on that depressing thought, I’m going to go pump up the jam, eat some dinner and fix the shitty internet connection so I might actually get to post this tonight.

**Didn’t fix the internet connection despite an hour of resetting, unplugging, and rewiring…but it somehow was miraculously back on this morning…stupid Comcast.

Sometimes I talk more than I type

6 Apr

Day 3 – rest day – boring

Day 4 – 4.5 miles – walking/running

Walk 1 mile
Run 3 minutes every half mile
Walk 0.5 miles

I thought I would try something new because I didn’t want to write, but it ended up taking longer than just sitting down and writing a post. I had fun though and expanded my skill set so I may do it again.

Watching that again, I realized how many “umm”s there were – annoying – I promise its mostly because I was tired.

Also, my roommates effectively think I am crazy because I was talking to my computer in the kitchen. Which B.T. Dubbs, I did in the kitchen NOT my room to avoid.

Sometimes the Big Guy Decides you aren’t Pushing Yourself Far Enough

3 Apr

Day 2 – 6 (and then some) miles – Biking

Today was hard to find motivation. (I know, I was asking myself the same question: already?!) I have a few theories about that, but they are too personal for a training log.

Regardless, on the schedule for today was a 3-5 mile walk. Walking gets boring when you are doing it alone, especially for 3-5 miles. I didn’t want to do it. I decided instead I would bike 4 miles. Well 4.5 is what I plotted out on my route mapper thingy.

I got home, debated over an outfit, but then figured I should eat. In the kitchen I almost decided to skip it and just eat and get into sweats. Instead I grabbed a piece of whole grain bread and told myself I would make my chicken breast when I got back. If I let the sun go down before I got out the door, all hope would be lost.

I changed, packed a bag, looked at my bike, changed my mind. Washed my face, slapped myself in the face, and found my underlying determination again. Tomorrow I could actually skip anyway so I needed to stop being a baby. Forget that the race is in September, Vegas is in a month and I need to tone!

With my short term goal in mind, I put my bag over my shoulders, grabbed my bike and out the door I went. By the time I was at the bottom of the stairs, I had compromised with myself and decided 3 miles would be more than enough and certainly quicker than 5.

I think God was laughing at this resolution and decided to push me harder than I would push myself. I got confused, pressured by traffic, and eventually semi lost. With burning muscles, sweat dampened bangs, and a surprisingly upbeat feeling (I blame the endorphines), I finally made my way home 45 minutes later.

I started dinner (which I am anxiously awaiting as I type), then decided to see how far I ended up going. Over 6 miles! Holy shit! I stared at the screen for a moment in amazement and distress. Let me pause here and point out my bike is a Huffy Cruiser with only one gear. Not exactly road adventuring compatible, and Salem is not exactly level. No wonder why my legs are more on fire than after an animated 5 hour toss in the sack.

Anyway, I have a feeling I am not exactly over pushing myself farther than I should. Tomorrow is an off day though and I am very much looking forward to using it as a night of extended stretching.

On an side note, today I officially registered me and my running mate!! No turning back now!

On a side side note, don’t get overly excited (or horrified) that I will actually be blogging after after training day. That’s a lot of days and eventually the excitement will wear off and sink to weekly, probably bi-weekly updates. Plus, I gotta keep throwing other deep thoughts by PR right?

“The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.”

2 Apr

Day 1 – 3.5 miles – walking/running

Its been a long time since I’ve decided to call myself a runner. A couple summers ago I got it in my head that I would run a marathon with a friend from work. It was going to be this huge event where we road tripped to Tennessee, ran the marathon and road tripped back. We gave ourselves over 6 months to train and make plans.

Lets put this into perspective. I had never run any significant distance outside of necessity, ever. Also, despite, a recent drastic adjustment in body type (yes, I was the chubby kid growing up), I was still not in ideal shape for intensive training. Add into the mix that I have a tendency to think I can handle more than my body can take and I often push way past my limits, I was shooting for the moon and then some with this plan.

I did, in fact, have a plan and it went pretty well for a while. Then a couple months in, the excitement of a new endeavor faded a bit and some days motivation was hard to come by. Soon after, my morning (and by mornings I mean I was working second shift and my morning started at 9 or 10) runs became more of a chore than an adventure. I could run 5 miles straight after 3ish months, but I resented the trees I passed everyday. I had hit my brick wall, as I so often do.

I was still determined, however, so I decided maybe I’d just run the half marathon. I could do a half marathon (said the girl who had never run even a measly 5K). It wasn’t long after that the whole thing fell apart. Mostly, I blamed moving to a new area, adjusting to a new job, being unsure of the new area, the need to get settled before I could reclaim any routine…but secretly I was happy for the excuse. Then came winter and all hope was lost.

The happy ending is that I have grown since then, and I have set my sights a tad lower. I have been exercising fairly consistently for over a year now and I have some better tools to aid me. I have chosen, not a marathon, but a 5K to work towards over the next 6 months approximately. Granted I set my sights on the Rugged Maniac, an obstacle adventure 5K developed by Navy Seals…but nothing can ever just be simple right?

It is now the first week in April, perfect timing to start a training regiment. The weather is beautiful and only bound to get better while easing me into the hot months of summer, and I doubt there will be snow to deter me from my course. Granted the hype is still in overdrive, and in a couple months I am bound to hit the slump that always comes, but I have spent a good amount of time planning a schedule and plotting courses that ensure to challenge, but are realistic.

Tonight was my first official training run and it felt amazing to be out again working towards a goal. I had intended to get up and go before work, but lets be realistic here. I’d rather run at 10:00 at night then get out of bed earlier than I need to. Unrealistic goal number 1 resolved.

I’m not pushing myself to run straight through right off the bat, that would be irresponsible. Instead I walked for half a mile then alternated running for 2 minutes and walking every half a mile until the last half at which point I walked the rest of the way home. That was the plan at least, I ran more than I intended because I got bored, and let my pride get the best of me. I used to run 5 miles right, I could totally do more than that!

Even this minor deference from the plan simply added to the exhilaration for the first 2.5 miles. Then I pushed past the line I needed to not cross. I convinced myself for another half mile it was simply the natural result of my exertion that made my muscles ache and my chest hurt. Then came the searing side cramp and the realization that maybe the lunch I ate at 2:00 that afternoon, 6 hours earlier, wasn’t enough to satiate my nutritional requirements. Walking back to my apartment, staring at the sidewalk, trying my hardest not to hurl, I realized unrealistic goal number 2.

My body has since recovered, and I have adjusted my mindset. After all that is what it is all about right? Making mistakes and learning better approaches for the next time.

The one thing I need more than anything is accountability and that is where writing comes in. Writing about it, feeling some responsibility to not let my future self down, and possibly a reader or two, makes it somehow feel real. Its not my little secret hiding in the corner where it won’t matter if I fail because no one knows about it. Its in the world. Its not just my journey, its not just the voice in my head with an expectation. Someone in the world will call me out when all I want to do is give up. I vow at the start, here and now to stick to the plan, to recognize my shortcomings, to not push harder than I can reasonably expect myself to endure, but to be adamant about pushing as far as I realistically can go. Go big or go home right? But try not to die in the process.

PrettyReckless out, stay tuned.