Only Human

I started this adventure with all of you with the resolve to not share my musings with anyone I actually know. I wanted to be honest. Honest without restraint or care for what other people thought. My mind is a sordid place and sometimes I feel that not everyone in my life would understand it. I can be a bitch. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I play games and those games don’t always end well for the other people involved. I don’t make apologies for the things I have done, but that doesn’t mean I want certain people to know about them.

I broke this promise to myself months ago when I accidentally allowed the Sloth to see the URL one drunken night. I think I was so carefree with this because I knew he was the one person that would not judge me for one single word I wrote. I actually in the end was thankful someone else’s eyes were on it that knows me. We have discussed a post or two here or there and I always appreciate an outsider’s perspective on my universe.

Recently, I made the executive decision to allow someone else I hold dear access to this world that is purely my creation. LP is someone I hold dear to my heart and also is someone who regards me as I am and loves me none the less. I would trust her with my life, but trusting her with this was a decision that was difficult.

The question I pose now is why?

I pride myself on being honest and open with almost everyone. I don’t shy away from confrontation or compromise who I am for what someone else wants me to be. But there is a difference between living a life of openness with the world around you when asked to proffer information, and openly offering every piece of information to the world around you.

It’s natural to shade pieces of yourself and what you know to be true. It feels too exposed, makes you too vulnerable not to hold certain things close to yourself. We need certain things to be only for us to satisfy our human nature. Fight or flight in a way. We were born with it and its there to protect us.

In starting this, I wanted it to be an exploration of being entirely vulnerable. Open to criticism. So why does it feel harder when people know who are actually in the story? I think the answer is obvious. The faceless and nameless is easier than dealing with any repercussions to be had from revelations that may not have been openly available in the moment.

Yet, I claim that I am open and honest, so really it shouldn’t matter.

There inlies the irony my friends, as well as the lesson. None of us are free of secrets. Its natural and not anything to be ashamed of in the least. We are only human after all.

A Girl Worth Fighting For

I had a thoughtful moment in the shower this morning and wanted to get it out before I forgot because I think its important, if not for you or anyone else, for me.

Girls are always looking for that boy who will fight for them. Sometimes some of us, for a myriad of reasons, run away from something good just to see if they will chase after us. We need to be reassured that someone else finds us necessary in their life. For me it comes from the deep dark place that doesn’t always feel I am deserving of love.

More often than not in this day and age, men don’t chase. Women get older and settle because there is still that societal faux pas that we had not yet shed just yet.

That line of thought is going in a direction I don’t want to explore just yet, not why I started this so let me change tracks. Women complain that men have lost their gentlemanly qualities. Many (not all!) feel free to misuse us, objectify us, mistreat and ignore us. This slowly chips away at our self worth and confidence until we are hurt and crying and wondering how we got here.

Its a travesty. But who is really to blame? Men? I would argue that the majority of the blame is not on them anymore. Maybe in the dark ages before we had a voice, before we had rights unique to ourselves, but the suffrage movement began centuries ago. It may not have hit America until the 19th century, so maybe we have an excuse to be a little behind the rest of the world, but it has still been decades.

In my life I am blessed to have male friends who are able to love and respect me for who I am and what I bring to the table. In the past there have been some that have tried to use me for all the many reason you can use a woman, but they were quickly rebutted and either learned to have me as the friend I deserve to be, or were given a choice word and swift kick out of my life. Men are capable of treating women as they ought to be treated. It is US who allows them to believe we are objects, toys, or trash.

If a man walks up to us and asks us to become something we aren’t and don’t want to be, but we do it anyway because we feels its the only way he will love us, we tell him its ok. Read that again. We tell him, without uttering a word, that its ok.

I know why we do it. I am by no means innocent of this perpetration. However, it doesn’t make it ok. We know its not ok, we have the power to fix it, and men will adjust when we do, we simply have to find the strength within ourselves to believe we deserve it, we are worth it, we are worth fighting for.

One more track change but hopefully I’ll end up in the station I meant to end this journey in.

I started this new diet thing. I’m calling it a diet because that is what it is to me. I’m not big on dieting, I’d rather find ways to be healthy and maintain a healthy weight without radical life changes that can’t be sustained. Regardless, I fell into this one. Without going into details I am taking a hormone daily to boost my metabolism and some other stuff. The science is interesting and seems legit, but we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, I am not one of those girls that would seriously say I’m fat. I mean some days yes, when I’m feeling self conscience or bitter or just having a crappy day, but I’m a girl, it happens. On a day where I’m thinking logically and feeling up to my normal self, I would recognize that although I may wish to be a smaller pant size, I am comfortable in my skin and satisfied with my body. Yet, me, of all people, am taking a hormone to lose weight. How does this happen?

The same way women let men walk all over them. Because we walk all over ourselves first. I love those women who diet, but don’t call it a diet. They say they aren’t trying to lose weight they are just trying to be more healthy. Then a miracle happens – they lose weight! Or they give up after a week or so because nothing is happening. More power to her for convincing, not just everyone else of that, but herself as well. I sincerely hope those women can maintain that attitude forever, but its masking the underlying issues of self worth. See how I keep coming back to self worth? That is truly what it all boils down to, I’m convinced.

Ok I’m going to stop my ranting with this. We need to hold each other up. Men don’t get it (but that doesn’t mean you can’t do your part!). We need to stop calling each other sluts and whores and fat bitches and love one another so maybe one day all of us will be able to love ourselves (too touchy feely?). Side note, have you ever noticed the difference in what men call each other opposed to what women call each other? Men: Bro, Homie, Gangsta… Women: see above. Words speak volumes and we project what we feel about ourselves onto others. Just saying.

Lets boost the cheese up another notch shall we: